finally...

the great preparation...

oh please let me out....

the forest...

if i was to say that i am not at all stressed about anything regarding this newest little baby in my life then i would be most likely only fooling myself...
the truth is that four kids 5 and under is like looking at a forest in the dark. some times when i look at all the facts i am totally creeped out...dark shadows make monsters out of tree branches...
but the forest in the daytime is fun...well, fun if you're prepared with food, water, trails to follow, and hospitals nearby in case you fall and break your leg.
all of the same applies to raising children. i think. i'm no expert but i am just trying to convince myself that the scary nighttime forest will show itself to be an adventurous daytime forest soon.

scary night time forest thoughts

1. this baby is not going to be as easy as oliver jack and carefree about naptimes, getting pulled around like a living doll, or just an overall jovial disposition.
2. the clinginess that harper has started displaying since learning of this baby is here to stay.
3. the clinginess that harper has started displaying since learning of this baby is not here to stay.
4. we will not figure out a working sleeping arrangement in our 3 bedroom house to accommodate the sleep to which i have grown accustomed.
5. the fact that almost all episodes of supernanny include families with 4 kids.
6. i have only just now started to keep my house clean since oliver jack's birth.
7. the pool with a newborn, an ever adventurous and fearless 1 year old, a passionate 3 year old, and a bossy 5 year old does not sound relaxing.

day time exciting adventurous forest thoughts

1. "i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" phil 4:13
2. "sons are a heritage of the Lord, children a reward from him" psalm 127:3
3. harper and calvary are so excited that they can hardly wait. everything revolves around how long it will be until she arrives.
4. she is an answered prayer in every way already...so how could she not possibly "fit"?
5. now oliver jack will not be bored once harper goes back to school and calvary starts pre-k.
6. now i will not be bored once harper and calvary start school.
7. we will not have to worry about wondering what to do with any extra money we should happen to come across.
8. tax deduction!

the lists are pretty even right now, but i am certain that once i get a bit more prepared...get a crib, paint a nursery, find a nursery, buy some baby girl clothes, and get fat...the exciting list will start to grow and the scary list will fade away to more pressing matters (fingers crossed)

board games...

i've never been a big board game player.
my mother blames the lack of self-control and fierce competitive edge of my brothers (mainly me).
i blame the fact that i think they are boring.
however, in spite of the fact that i have a natural disdain for board games...especially long drawn out games...we have taken to playing the game of life on saturdays when oliver jack goes down for his morning nap.
harper and calvary LOVE to play and i have decided if a parent wants to learn where the kids' heads are, playing a game like life can be a great indicator...
for instance:
1. harper is in it to win. even though i have tried to tell her that life is not about winning she is constantly assessing everyone else's piles of money or car loads of peg people. i can tell her that no one really wins, but she knows...someone wins...and it's going to be her.
2. calvary is clueless. he gleefully throws his money at anyone and the only thing that matters to him is having a car load of peg children.
3. kyle and i have been a horrible (wonderful) influence on our children when it comes to the subject of children. when asked if she wants to take the family path or continue on the regular path harper enthusiastically chooses the family path...after kyle informs her that her car is almost full she responds, "well, i have room for one more."
calvary lived in the smallest house with the most meager of means and by all accounts was "losing" the game of life, yet he was so happy because he had the most kids...
4. i am secretly proud when my children choose family over money.
5. harper always ends up suing everyone.
6. if the game of life foreshadows anything it is that harper will have it all, calvary will be incredibly happy, and kyle and i will modestly retire happy and healthy at countryside acres.

oh, and if anyone is really counting...i won both saturdays.

calvary's friend moves away...

3 year old relationships make me laugh because they are so silly. at times, calvary and owen would fight over the best trains, sand toys, and volume levels. at other times, they would play side by side building the biggest train or being silly for hours.
owen and his family recently moved across the state and as the impending day approached i felt increasingly sad for him. i knew that he did not really understand the logistics of a friend moving away, but i knew.
so now, every time we go to buy candy as a treat and calvary insists on buying one for owen too i have to say, "remember, owen moved away..."
or when he sees a train show coming on tv (owen loves trains) and calvary excitedly says, "we need to let owen see that!" i simply nod my head...
at least once a week he tells me that he loves owen.
the good thing about all of this is that he can no longer brag to harper that he went to owen's house to play while she was subjected to the "torture" of kindergarten (i think he'll realize one day who was really missing out in the ongoing battle between kindergarten and staying home with mommy).
the bad part is that both calvary and i miss hanging out with our friends. it didn't matter to owen or calvary if one was having a bad day--because they could just be theirselves.
and that is why i miss owen's mom. our tuesday mornings were a nice refuge from the craziness of the week...
now all calvary and i have is each other...gulp.

i think these children need more than money...

i wish (if only i could truly say how much) that i could wrap my arms around the children of haiti and protect them from the hurt of the world and the people that view this earthquake not as a tragedy but as as an opportunity.

http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=7146444702673274214

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wirestory?id=9616654&page=3

http://randybohlender.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/not-all-answers-are-created-equal/

jack in the box...

to my first born...

every pregnancy brings me back to you. i remember taking that test alone in the hall bathroom of my dorm. i remember praying that it would not be positive. i remember crying; i remember crying all night. i mourned the loss of the life that i had. and with every subsequent pregnancy i remember with guilt how i welcomed the gift that you are. i remember how i cringed to let anyone know that you were coming. i was embarrassed of you. i knew that no one would be happy that you were coming. i was not happy that you were coming.

and as i celebrate the knowledge of this baby and joyfully announce her arrival to the world, i am hit with the guilt that i did not do that for you. i let my shame overshadow the miracle that you are.

the pregnancy went forward; i viewed it as a burden. as the days drew closer to your arrival i anticipated your birth. i was happier...but not happy enough.

once you were born it was like you carried the weight of my burden on your tiny shoulders. such a serious child. even now, silver hairs shine amongst the brown making evident to me that you have carried far more than most children should.

as the days melted into weeks i fell more in love with you and realized more and more what a gift you are. the shame i had changed. it is the shame i still carry. the shame of not realizing then what i know now.

you are a gift. a gift that changed my life in the best ways. a gift that gave me a chance to forfeit my selfishness and realize the beauty the gift of a child is. i wish i was stronger for you then, but each day i watch as the seriousness of your infancy transforms into the silliness of girlhood and i pray with all of my heart that you know how thankful i am for you.

when i hug your tiny body or look into your beautiful eyes i am ashamed that i was once ashamed to be pregnant with you. your mother has always been your student. learning everyday that life is precious. i pray that i can teach you the value of life over the shame of personal choices.

you are gift.

i love you. i adore you.

mommy

new year, new baby...

oliver jack's shirt relays a story that we have long been keeping secret. on friday, kyle and i went to our 18 week anatomy ultrasound...that's right...18 weeks! we have known since the beginning of october that this baby was going to be the next, and final (breathe all those who worry of our economic well being), installment to the murray clan. i thought it might be fun to wait as long as we possibly could to break the news because, let's face it, the punch line loses umph after a while. i would have never thought that we would be able to make it this long! instead of gaining weight over the first and into the second trimester i managed to lose...never happened before...in fact, as my body and i continued to keep this secret i began to question whether or not i was even pregnant. i had ultrasound pictures and dopplar heartbeat evidence to prove otherwise, but it did my heart good to be able to finally embrace everyone into this experience! finally, it's real!

we did not tell harper or calvary about the baby because in calvary's own words they, "are not very good at keeping secrets." so, needless to say, friday was an exciting time.

harper is thrilled to have yet another baby to take care of. when calvary was asked on saturday if he was excited about the baby he responded, "this one is for harper; oliver jack was for me."

funny. i'm nice like that. i have babies for my babies.

as if it was not exciting enough to break the news to our family that we were a carbon footprint nightmare, we were also able to tell them that this baby is A GIRL! i prayed and prayed that we would have a girl, but i kept trying to remind myself that i could not be disappointed if i found out otherwise...i was convinced that she was a girl because my pregnancy with her has been so much like my pregnancy with harper, but i tried to convince myself that it was a boy so i would not be disappointed--terrible i know---but true. even when the technician told me that the baby floating around inside of me was a girl, i would hardly let myself believe it. so today, i've shopped online for everything from strollers and car seats to dresses and hair clips. what an exciting venture!

so, again...yes, this was planned. yes, we know what causes it (or at least we have narrowed it down to a few things). and yes, we can afford it---or at least we believe that God will provide just as He always has.

in lieu of baby gifts, christmas gifts, birthday gifts, st. patrick's day gifts, flag day gifts, or gifts for any other holidays we will be accepting loaves of bread and gallons of milk. undoubtedly there will be illnesses among the disease infested bodies of these cuties, so we will understand if no one wants to visit. just leave the bread and milk on the door step. :)

guess what...

i guess they're born that way...

calvary: mommy the wheel fell off of my dump truck.

me: well, let me finish cleaning off this table and i will help you fix it.

calvary: don't you don't know how to do it...

me: i can figure it out...why do you think i couldn't figure it out?

calvary: cause you're not a man.

christmas #4...

(the drive was a bit too much after so much excitement so we enlisted the help of the children)

(oliver jack found my stash of jelly beans while harper, calvary, and kyle were buying treats in the gas station...he liked the black ones the best)

(harper and merriwether opening presents together...awww)

(jacob likes to give my sons guns...or shooters as calvary calls them...as if my home was not exciting enough :) they love them...)

(the toy jet to be painted...one of calvary's favorite gifts...he painted an (almost) exact replica of the jet on the box the very next day)

we staggered in the door at 9:00 pm on christmas night and geared up for the next day's journey to north east georgia. both of the big kids crashed immediately, so i knew they were exhausted. kyle and i washed clothes and organized the last of the gifts and headed off to bed ourselves. at 6:30 am we woke and packed the car and headed to chick-fil-a for a quick breakfast. the drive was probably one of my favorites we have had in a while. the views out the window were so diverting and the kids were sweet as punch. we arrived at the dillard house and the whole place smelled like real food and a wood burning fire...nothing feels more like christmas than that. jacob's whole family invited us all to come along and i always feel so blessed to know that God has the power to reconcile even the most difficult of situations. probably one of my favorite gifts of the season is knowing that harper has one family. after one of the best meals i have had in a while (minus the fatigued outbursts of my oldest sons) we headed to another room for desserts, gifts, and quality time. poor calvary (well, maybe poor the rest of us) was just so done with all the hoopla. after a while, we started a movie for him and he just vegged out in front of the tv. we had a great time and headed out about 5:00.

the next day we promised the kids we would skip church and let them play with their gifts---sacrilege---thank you Jesus for coming to save us and sharing your birthday with us. i just thought that we could all use the time before kyle headed back for work to recuperate from all the excitement. calvary was so happy to be home and settled that he was the sweetest child i had ever met. it was at that point that i realized that my little boy is a precious, settled home body. he loves the comfort of the expected and normal. as wonderful as presents and family and friends are, he just wants to be in his living room with his mom, dad, sister, and brother and enjoy the day. i love that about him. i adore that little boy...and we finally painted that jet.

christmas #3...

by the time we made it to my parents' house we had already started to see the exhausted side of calvary. oliver jack and harper were still handling all the festivities with realitive grace, but calvary has a little more difficult time processing so much excitment; he is only 3 after all.

we enjoyed ourselves as always. i always enjoy being around my mom and dad. we laugh hard and the time goes too fast...

christmas # 2...

(harper found baby Jesus!)

(sleepy boy)

(the infamous doll that pees and poops---a treasured gift by the little mommy)
(oliver jack loves a ball.)
(exchanging hugs after exchanging gifts)

(calvary's tool set)

christmas eve and christmas morning are such special times for me because it is the time that i get to focus full attention on this family with which God has blessed me. i have carried on the tradition (a favorite of mine) from my family of opening a present containing new christmas pajamas. i just love finding pajamas for them and watching them put on their new duds for the special night. we also started using this time to give the kids their books. i have learned, through experience, that the attention and painstaking manner in which we pick books for the kids each holiday is lost once those children catch one glimpse of something plastic and battery operated. i trust that one day these books will have much more value. :)

rhett and julie came over, which has also become a tradition that i love so much. its nice to spend time with these friends that are much more than that during this special time of celebration. margo and harper even had matching pajamas...and as expected, margo gave oliver jack his fair share of christmas love.

once the kids were tucked into bed we knew not to expect a silent night. we have pumped their heads full of so much mystery and excitement that there was no way they were going to sleep.

i feel so conflicted about the whole santa claus lie. i have not actually brought myself to the point of telling the kids with my own mouth that santa claus is real and comes down the chimney and eats cookies and brings gifts...but i have done nothing to counter the lie.

at times harper has asked me questions like, "is rudolph real?" and i answer by saying, "i am sure there is a real rudolph somewhere." wimp.

whenever i talk about santa claus i tell the kids about the legend of the man that made gifts and carried them to needy children.

but, i still facilitate the lie. we leave cookies. we hang stockings. and we neither confirm nor deny the existence of santa. i am worse then the straight up liars. i am a fence rider. oh well.

however, all this mystery and unanswered questions do not leave children settled for a long winter's night. we knew this. but, it took far longer than we were prepared for.

after about 2 hours post tucking, kyle decided it was time to intervene. he stood up and went off to the kids' room to see what all the ruckus was about.

at this point i heard, "CALVARY! TAKE OFF THAT TUTU AND GET INTO BED!"

i couldn't help but to laugh and picture calvary prancing around the room in the new tutu that my friend traci had made harper.

after that incident, harper and calvary finally drifted off to sleep and we were able to perpetuate the lie.

the night was smooth. i thought every noise was children. perhaps i was more excited than they were?

calvary and harper came into our room around 7:30 and they were telling us about full stockings and things that looked like toys in the dark.

at this point i reminded the children that before they could open any gifts we had to find baby Jesus from my nativity scene and place him in the stable. the thought is that we can at least remember Jesus before we start opening up all these presents. it was fun to watch the kids hung for Jesus (which i had hidden weeks before in the 25th day on my advent calendar). after a few hints, harper guessed the location and Jesus was placed among the wise men and shepards.

as the kids were searching for Jesus, kyle went to wake oliver jack up. it took him a while to warm up to the idea of all this shouting and excitement, but of course he took his cue from big brother and sister and was in the middle of it all.

it was such a nice morning and the kids played and i even napped a little...it doesn't get much better than that.