this week has been strangely emotional because i have been given the opportunity to make a Will. i guess "opportunity" is a strange word, but i do know that providing for my children now is no less important than providing for my children in case i am not here to provide. i have been in a strange mood and thinking quite a bit. strangely enough, every time i get deep in thought kyle thinks i am sad or depressed. i haven't been sad or depressed, only struggling to wrap my mind around the thoughts that are far too large for lawyers, life, and IRAs.
around our house we usually deal with lighter issues like sibling rivalry, respecting authority, and pudding cups. we even try to make cleaning more than just cleaning. for instance, cinderella saturday is the little name we have given to saturdays where we spend the day cleaning...we usually like to follow this day up with getting cleaned up ourselves and going out for dinner. we do not adhere to this tradition vehemently, but it does make cleaning sound a little more alluring to a 3 year old when it is named after a favorite disney princess...
today has been a cinderella saturday that will likely pour over into a cinderella sunday. instead of getting dolled up for dinner we will get dolled up for church! harper and i will be going to the Gaston School of the Arts production of Peter Pan this evening. several of my students are participating in the program and peter pan is actually played by one of my 10th grade girls! i am excited to see them in action and perhaps even more excited to see little harper's face when she sees the characters come to life. peter pan is the first disney movie that we owned and it was harper's favorite for quite a while. it will be nice to enjoy a night out with my little girl and get a little lighter entertainment...
the past few weeks have been a little stressed and for a lack of any better expression my thoughts have been focused on the macabre. the shockingly numbing effect of death is that even though people die every day, every second of every day, i have still managed to still feel somewhat immune. of course i have been saddened and grieved over the loss of people close to me, but for the most part the deaths i have experienced have been understandable. however, in the past months i have experienced more sickness and death in ways that i can never understand. having to face the deaths and illnesses of people close to me have made me face my own. ever since harper was born i cannot recall a day that i have not prayed for the salvation of my children. i clearly remember holding her one day when she was only 18 days old and realizing how completely out of my hands all of this parenting stuff was/is. i thought about how remarkably beautiful he orchestrated her protection and provision inspite of my own blundering. and i realized, that i could provide every feeding, every outfit, as much love as my heart could pour out, and yet i cannot orchestrate her life. i do not know how many hairs my son has on his head. i do not know my daughter's thoughts. i do not know the choices they will make. all of these unknowns left me feeling out of control; all of the love i could possibly imagine having has materialized into little teeny beings walking around outside of my body.
everyday i watch my heart walk around.
i have to trust God to protect and provide for my children because i know that no one will love them more than i will and yet i also know that there are things that i cannot provide. i cannot give my children salvation. acknowledging my own mortality has made me even more aware of how much i want my children to know Jesus. this past week at school was Spiritual Emphasis week. the speakers spoke on defending our faith and developing a christian world view. the more they spoke of the depravity of the world, the more desperate i clung to Jesus as the hope for my children in a world that cannot be changed from pumpkin to carriage.
i pray daily for my children; and sometimes i feel as if my prayers are selfish, but i pray that God sees past my selfish desire to see my children saved and sees my heart of wanting to share the joy of Jesus to a sick and dying world. the reality is that Jesus is the greatest and most wonderful thing i could ever give my children. he is the greatest inheritance that i could ever share...if there was a way to write that in a Will i surely would.
around our house we usually deal with lighter issues like sibling rivalry, respecting authority, and pudding cups. we even try to make cleaning more than just cleaning. for instance, cinderella saturday is the little name we have given to saturdays where we spend the day cleaning...we usually like to follow this day up with getting cleaned up ourselves and going out for dinner. we do not adhere to this tradition vehemently, but it does make cleaning sound a little more alluring to a 3 year old when it is named after a favorite disney princess...
today has been a cinderella saturday that will likely pour over into a cinderella sunday. instead of getting dolled up for dinner we will get dolled up for church! harper and i will be going to the Gaston School of the Arts production of Peter Pan this evening. several of my students are participating in the program and peter pan is actually played by one of my 10th grade girls! i am excited to see them in action and perhaps even more excited to see little harper's face when she sees the characters come to life. peter pan is the first disney movie that we owned and it was harper's favorite for quite a while. it will be nice to enjoy a night out with my little girl and get a little lighter entertainment...
the past few weeks have been a little stressed and for a lack of any better expression my thoughts have been focused on the macabre. the shockingly numbing effect of death is that even though people die every day, every second of every day, i have still managed to still feel somewhat immune. of course i have been saddened and grieved over the loss of people close to me, but for the most part the deaths i have experienced have been understandable. however, in the past months i have experienced more sickness and death in ways that i can never understand. having to face the deaths and illnesses of people close to me have made me face my own. ever since harper was born i cannot recall a day that i have not prayed for the salvation of my children. i clearly remember holding her one day when she was only 18 days old and realizing how completely out of my hands all of this parenting stuff was/is. i thought about how remarkably beautiful he orchestrated her protection and provision inspite of my own blundering. and i realized, that i could provide every feeding, every outfit, as much love as my heart could pour out, and yet i cannot orchestrate her life. i do not know how many hairs my son has on his head. i do not know my daughter's thoughts. i do not know the choices they will make. all of these unknowns left me feeling out of control; all of the love i could possibly imagine having has materialized into little teeny beings walking around outside of my body.
everyday i watch my heart walk around.
i have to trust God to protect and provide for my children because i know that no one will love them more than i will and yet i also know that there are things that i cannot provide. i cannot give my children salvation. acknowledging my own mortality has made me even more aware of how much i want my children to know Jesus. this past week at school was Spiritual Emphasis week. the speakers spoke on defending our faith and developing a christian world view. the more they spoke of the depravity of the world, the more desperate i clung to Jesus as the hope for my children in a world that cannot be changed from pumpkin to carriage.
i pray daily for my children; and sometimes i feel as if my prayers are selfish, but i pray that God sees past my selfish desire to see my children saved and sees my heart of wanting to share the joy of Jesus to a sick and dying world. the reality is that Jesus is the greatest and most wonderful thing i could ever give my children. he is the greatest inheritance that i could ever share...if there was a way to write that in a Will i surely would.
1 comment:
I love reading your blog, Cassie. Every post you write is filled with such heart felt passion!
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