growing...

this year has been quite a year.  between feeling helpless because the well-being of our oldest son felt threatened and between feeling helpless because of financial hardships caused by so many things but mostly the expenses related to having a child with special needs we have really felt the pressure of the vice of life.
every hardship has tested my faith in a new (and not exciting) way.  in the beginning i felt like i was simply trying to put my "faith" face on and scare the fear out of myself.  hoping that my faith would sustain me...not in whom my faith rested...but my actual faith.  i turned my faith into an idol.  weird.
i am still trying to figure that one out but it kind of reminds me of a person keeping a rabbit's foot in their pocket, searching for 4 leaf clovers, or putting a horse's shoe over the doorway.  my faith became all of these things for me.  i guess i will put faith in quotation marks from here on out when i write about it in reference to this situation because it wasn't real faith at all..."faith" was a clover.  the cross was belittled to nothing more than a trinket of superstition.  i hoped that my "faith" would keep me from any more hardship...that my "faith" would hold me afloat...or that if i could just have enough "faith" then i would lead a long a trouble free life.
when i re-think the days of calvary's evaluation and, specifically, the day we chose to medicate him i realize just how weak my true faith had been.  i just let the storm blow me away.
i am so grateful for being surrounded by people that ushered me right back to Jesus. i have learned so much through the faith lives of others....i have watched people weather times that are far tougher than my own storms with far more grace and what i have learned the most from my own experience and the experience of observation of others is that without true faith that God is in control of our lives we will not have the strength to weather many storms.
"for we walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"for the things which are seen are temporal and the things which are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:18.
in the midst of these trials this year two wonderful realizations have come into my life and into my heart of which i am quite certain i would have never experienced if it had not been such a challenging path:
1. my husband and i are undoubtedly suited for each other and i am unbelievably grateful for him and his heart.
2. the realization of what true faith is...i have learned what an act of discipline it is to choose faith over fear. not because my faith is bigger than my fear but because my God, in whom i have faith, is bigger than my fear.
with these two lessons i believe God has been shaping my husband and i to be prepared for anything...
i am learning what it means to trust Him with what i love most in this world; i am learning to trust God's provision...
the strange part is that when we began to see a light at the end of our tunnel i started to fear leaving the comfort of His shadow. i felt like a baby bird reluctant to leave the nest...i was worried that the character traits that have been refined over the past years would be lost once i no longer "needed" them. but, once again, dear friends reminded me that it is for such a time as this that we have gained our tools...2 Timothy 3:14-17 "but as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from who you have learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
the trials in our lives are not meant to keep us held down or held back but meant to "fully equip" us for the work that is ahead...allowing myself to be afraid of stepping out in faith reminds me of the Israelites longing for the slavery of Egypt instead of suffering in the dessert and trusting that God had a plan for their time in that dessert. i know it is silly of them to choose slavery and i think how crazy they were not to trust God...yet, at every step i see more and more how very much parallel my experience is at the microcosmic level...
i am thankful for His patience with me because i am such a slow learner.
i know that i have so much more growth ahead and that is both exciting and terrifying; growth is not always easy (as evidenced by these past two years) but i would rather be growing in The Lord rather hiding in my fear or resting in my ignorance...

"...I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin" (Psalm 84:10)

after all, this life is truly such a sweet gift...

monday's musings...

...'cause i forgot on friday.
things i am loving about this week:

1. washing produce when i get home from the grocery store and putting it in the refrigerator or nice little reusable storage containers.  i don't know why...it just make me happy.
2. kyle and the kids working to fold the mountain of laundry i have been avoiding all week.
3. harper and merriwether exchanging letters in the mail.
4. getting to have a lunch with my sister-in-law during the week. 
5. my kids having someone praise their behavior...i wish people understood what a boost it is for their character and motivation it is for them to hear positive feedback.  i asked the lady if she would repeat what she said to me to the kids because i make them take responsibility for their poor choices and i only think it is right if they get to take responsibility for their good ones as well...
6. sarah's bridal shower...loved having a chance to celebrate the upcoming wedding of this awesome couple as well as feeling so grateful to be where we are with this awesome family....such a testimony of God's faithfulness and i am always humbled by it.
7. little harper.  she is just so amazing.  smart, funny, compassionate, and generous....i see a million ways throughout the week.
8. hearing myself say things that i should never have to say such as, "harper, please do not eat out of the trashcan."  "why are you scratching your tongue?" "it is time for bed; not for riding your brother like a horse!" "please don't play with that lizard's eye ball."  
9. lecturing my kids and suddenly having flashbacks to lectures with my father...he always had a way of saying things that were just too funny and made us laugh and all the while he was being serious.  kyle just looks at me and tries not to laugh and then the kids just lose it...
10. our church offering a gluten free option for communion...what a gift it is to be a part of the body of Christ that recognizes the needs of that body! we have several people within our church that are gluten free and our church has taken steps and then even further steps to make sure that my husband, my son, and all of our fellow gluten free people can partake in this sacrament...beautiful.
11. hope.  hope for my brother...freedom.  i am holding fast to the beautiful testimony that is being written in his life!
12. finding out that old and distant, but still very much loved, are having their very first baby!  (this made my day beth lake!) so very happy for you both!
13. talking openly with calvary about asperger's.  i want him to understand what it is and how he is affected by it-- both the limitations and the areas where he will excel-- my prayer is that in understanding how he is neuro-different will be empowering and freeing...
14. oliver jack picking out candy for each of the kids with kyle...he even knew that he couldn't get calvary sour punch straws because they were not gluten free before kyle even could check!  he pays such attention to his siblings...
15. finley mirroring.  she is copying the people around her more and more and it is hilarious to see her perception of each of us.
16. re-usable k-cups...good grief it is expensive to have coffee with a keurig! 
17. writing.  sometimes i feel like i struggle with communicating my heart to people...i can be silly or i can be serious but i have a hard time accepting a compliment or transitioning a conversation to matters that are personal to my heart.  writing is liberating for me.  i can write how i feel and utilize the transparency that i crave instead of hiding behind silliness or behind mothering.  i can be real. 
18. my wednesday afternoon runs with dalila!  it has been so awesome developing a friendship with her and i am so grateful for knowing her :)
19. mr. levi's sweet gift of a bird house and bird feeder for our back yard.  he really does love us....way way way deep down. 
20. focusing on the little moments that make this life so precious...

friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1.  Having Bible with the kids...I love watching them think outside of themselves.
2.  Running &; exercising...I have been wanting/needing to get back into working out but I have made so many excuses and I never have time but I really do feel SO much better when I work out. I am not doing anything impressive...just enough to get moving during the winter slow months.
3.  Great Samaritan Methodist doing the Run for God program. It is definitely nice to have some accountability...I would without doubt still be hoping to work out if it wasn't for the shame I would have quitting :)
4. Finley playing at the park instead of chasing me wanting to be held...
5. Playing football with the kids.
6.  Looking out my window and seeing Calvary and Oliver Jack huddled up "like real football players" and playing football together.
7.  Appreciating the beauty of seeing my boys playing together.
8.  Harper really enjoying division. Math is not her strong suit and she although she does well since it doesn't come naturally she usually fights me more on her work...but she has been really enjoying it.
9. My kids in pajamas that actually match. They are all about picking out their own pajamas and it drives me crazy when the tops and bottoms do not match but it is a little like Christmas when they come down wearing pjs that match.
10.  Harper taking such care of Finley.  She loves to take care of her...sometimes I have to ask her to hold back so I can have a part of her care-taking :)
11. My new haircut.  Kimberly cut off so much and it was so exciting to have such a change and feel refreshed...although I have many moments where I do still miss my long hair.
12. My mom and dad coming up for a visit.  
13. They brought a baby they were watching and Finley said, "Thank you for bringing our new baby.  I love him!"  If it was that easy I am sure we would have at least 5 or six more.
14. The women at our church.  I have been so excited to be a part of such a group of people who are so open, loving, and genuinely interested in being a part of each other's lives.  It has been a gift.  
15. Watching Oliver Jack walk over and sweetly hug Calvary...and Calvary not push him away.  
16. Oliver Jack's sweetness.  This boy just loves people.  He has his moments and when he is angry his go to defense is to withhold his sweetness...but even that shows me just how much he values kind words and snuggles.  
17. Making hot tea for Harper in the morning while we do her school work.  Everyone else is usually either watching Finley's show for the day or playing so it is nice to give her something that makes her feel a bit big to comfort one of the not so positive sides of being big.  
18. I wrote "Yay!" on one of Calvary's papers for school and he asked me if I could "write 'yay' in Spanish instead..."  I love that my kids are interested in another language and grateful that they are being raised to understand that it is a privilege to speak two languages and not a disservice.  
19. Kyle's support.  I have been so busy lately and I feel like we have not been able to spend as much time together but he never grumbles or complains when I have to leave after dinner or meet someone on the weekend during the day.  It helps me understand how he feels leaving us each day and it helps me to be a bit more sensitive to that.
20. Nights when the kids go straight to sleep without coming down 7 million times to kiss us, get cups of water, tell us that so-in-so is talking too loud, show us what a bear looks like wearing glasses, or inform us that Oliver Jack is giving Finley horsey rides...
21. ...but then again...I kind of love those times too.