Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was strange for me this year...

We are living this life that is completely opposite to everything I pursued and thought to be thankful for in years past.

We gave up the security of our little home on Baird Rd.

We are giving up the security of our income.

We are anticipating and preparing to leave the security of our home country.

In the past, my Thanksgivings were spent thanking God for the provision of these gifts and blessings,  and it made me feel almost ungrateful to know that we are seemingly throwing these gifts to the side. Yet, I have never felt so blessed and so thankful.

We are not pursuing these blessings, yet we have not once gone without a roof for our heads or food for our table.  

We are giving up the security of a set income, yet so many generous people have stepped up and given ensuring that we can do the work that God has called us to do.

My worldview is all topsy turvy and I find myself already struggling with a bit of "culture shock". I oftentimes feel confused as I process why everything feels so different.  But this Thanksgiving I just felt, well, thankful.  Thankfulness often puts us in a place of humility.  We have to admit that we have need beyond our capability to provide and then, on top of that admission, we then have to put aside our pride enough to accept the gift of the need provided.  I have never felt more vulnerable in my thankfulness.  We are completely opposite of the American concept of the self-made man and it feels weird and different but embracing this new concept of the grace made man has awakened in me the ability to see myself for what I am: a person completely reliant on God.

I love that song that says, 

"You give life, You are love

You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only."

And that is exactly what I have understood on a new level this year; it is His breath in my lungs.  With that knowledge, how could I not give everything to Him?

Nothing I have has been mine based on merit...most certainly not...and this short, very protected, experience of reliance on others and God has impacted me deep to core of my soul.  

How much more accountable am I to a gift than I am to something I feel I have earned?!  I want my mom and dad and Kyle's mom and dad to truly feel appreciated for all they have sacrificed to allow us to live in their homes.  I am quite literally incapable of expressing the emotions I feel whenever we see a new donation that comes in to our ROOM account.  It is beautiful and yet this is the accountability I should feel for every breath that I release from my lungs. I am learning that all of this is part of the process of serving God fully.  

We have been praying to have clarity about what it is exactly we will be doing in Costa Rica.  Partly for ourselves and partly so we can have more satisfying answers for people when they ask.  I believe that God gave us the most beautiful picture of what we will be doing through a ministry that my parents got us involved with recently.  My parents have been going downtown with a group from their town to distribute basic needs to the homeless.  Kyle, the kids, and I collected things to distribute and went with them.  Over the times we went, one man spoke with Kyle.  Kyle was worried about him because the temperatures were to be so cold that night so he went to get what he needed.  This man couldn't, and still can't, understand why Kyle would help him.  Kyle told him that he was the only person that spoke with him...seems simple...ask, and it is given.  This is the instruction we are given in the Bible.  Jesus is relational.  During those three years of ministry, he worked through relationships.  He is the same today.  

This is the picture God gave us for what we will be doing in Costa Rica. 

We will tend to His flock.  We will love people through relationships and prayerfully meet their needs as God provides.  Of course resources are necessary to make this possible.  But resources alone do not solve a problem.  What has affected this man and Kyle and I so much is knowing that God cares for us individually to the point where someone would seek us out and meet our needs.  

None of this is possible on any one person's abilities.  It is a beautiful circle of relationships and generosity.  We are accountable and thankful for the generosity of our sponsors in ways that we never could be if we were solely supporting ourselves and then, through relationships and generosity, these little ones will know that they are loved by God.  So through all of this, God has shown me that my life is about emptying.  

His breath is in my lungs...and I am not asked to hold it.

His love is is in my heart...and I am not asked to keep it for myself.

My house was given to me for me to open.

My life was given to me for me to lay down. 

My world view led me to believe that because God loves me individually, I am blessed.  This year, I realized that because God loves me, and you, and you, and you, and you individually He has equipped us with the ability and privilege of relying on Him and others to meet needs.

Thanksgiving is not about what I have; it is about what I am giving.

Lately...

I tentatively start this because I don't want things to sound worse than they are.  Because things are not bad.  Most days, I am baffled by how well things are going.  I would have never dreamed two years ago that my son that could not even bring himself to sleep in a different room in our house would be able to float between two houses with ease.  My parents and Kyle's parents have been so gracious. Everyone has been so supportive.

The problem, I have realized, is me.

I love to enjoy my kids.  I love to play and do special activities with them.  But....and this is a sad "but" for me...

I do not work well under stress.

I do not like to be busy.

Life with four children is full and busy and distracting...and in order for me to not feel overwhelmed I need simplicity.

I have been frustrated because I have felt very distracted.  I feel like I am finishing school...preparing meals...trying, and failing, to keep the kids quiet while the baby my mom keeps sleeps...and that is it.

My frustration with my distraction has lead me to pray for stillness of my Spirit. Kyle also received an email from a friend that encouraged us to not become distracted from our "pursuit of holiness"...& while I am not linking motherhood synonymously with holiness I am acknowledging that my distraction in my role as a mother is a symptom of my distraction from pursuing holiness and stillness with God.

It is stressful to expect perfection from my kids when we are living with people that have generously opened their home to us...even though these people are our parents and our children's grandparents and have so much grace for us all, I just want this to be a positive experience for us all.  I have realized, that I almost expect it to be like we aren't even here at all...not exactly realistic when it comes to bringing a family of six into any home.  

The result of all this distraction and frustration has resulted in a laundry list of issues but it all can basically boil down to a mom with less patience and grace.  

Once again, I am in a place where I realize that I have been looking for the culprit all the while the source is far closer than I initially expected.

I have been entrusted with this sphere of influence...these children and my husband...and I have needed to realize that it is time for some grace...

So, although the plan was to push through Thanksgiving break in order to continue on the path to finish school before we leave, I have decided that we are in dire need of a break.   

We are simply going to bask in the gift of family.  Relish in the beauty of this small picture of God's love for us.  Treasure the joys of childhood....and simply be.  

Wednesday's Musings...

I am a few days early (or a few weeks late--depending on how you look at it) but I am in need of a little perspective...so, here are some things I am loving about this week:

1. Taking my kids to the library and how happy it makes them to check out books.
2. Finley's love of reading...this kid may love books even more than Harper.
3. My mom reading countless books to Finley throughout the day...seriously...everytime I turn around Finley has a new stack for Nana to read.
4. Guacamole.
5. Hanging out with Lauren at the Duke Gardens and meeting Fine.
6. This video
7. Having a quick little visit with Jen...probably one of the most encouraging and genuinely kind people I have ever known.
8. Oliver Jack and Calvary having a little neighbor friend to play with.
9. Oliver Jack's ninja crawl.
10. Coffee.
11. Finley in little boots.
12. Oliver Jack in skinny jeans.
13. Calvary's excitement about his "sabbath time" in the mornings.
14. Harper's love of dance...she is growing up so fast...most of the time I enjoy it.
15. Having the chance to go out on dates with Kyle a few times in the past few weeks.
16. My husband...he is so good to me...I am just so blessed to be his wife.
17. Candy corn.
18. Duck Dynasty...yes, it has happened...we have not had the luxury of satellite tv for over a year but have been reacquainted over the past couple of weeks...love this family...especially, the Phil...Harper has decided that she will marry a bearded man...
19. Finley telling a story.
20. Oliver Jack doing school. Such a cute boy.
21. Looking through old pictures.

Faces...

My children are sleeping soundly in the room with me...they are so close that I can hear the whispered sounds of their sleepy breathing. I look at their sweet faces in their cozy, matching pjs and my face turns up in an involuntary smile...I just can't help it...I love them so much. And my mind starts racing with questions...
What if I was not their mother?
What if I couldn't care for them?
What if I didn't want to care for them?
What if I died?
What if I was stricken with such abject poverty that I could not provide any of their basic needs?
What if I was so deep in addiction that I could not think of anything else?

Would that change their value? Would that lessen the sweetness of their sleepy faced innocence?
When I think of what we are about to be a part of, I think of my own children.

Some of these children will be adopted into homes that will be their forever homes. They will be loved by their forever mamas and sleep quietly beside them while their mamas think about just how much love they have for this child...
And for those mamas, I need to care for their babies while they are waiting...

Some of these children will be too young, too sick, or otherwise unable to voice their needs...and, oh, do I know what it is like to advocate for the needs of one of these special blessings.
And I pray that I will be their voice.

Some of these children may never be adopted.
My heart breaks to write this.
I look at my four and the thought of them not having a mother or father that calls them by name is almost too much to bear.
And for those children, I pray that they will see a glimpse of their true Forever Daddy in the love that we give.

“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes” -David Platt

The faces of the orphans reflect the faces of my own children...and not only can I not ignore them, but I can not get them out of my mind...
It is not my job to find every orphan a home...but it is my job to care for them.
And I smile at the blessing it is...

Two masters...

This past month or so has been quite the journey. I feel as if we are in full transition mode and it is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Walking away from our house was pretty much the symbolic shedding of this life I have built here and it was difficult. I never questioned the veracity of what we are doing; had I doubted, we would not have been able to do it I don't think. Yet, we packed up our stuff, moved in with my parents, and have been in transition ever since.
The most awesome part about being in transition is that we are ready. If we were to meet our budget tomorrow we would be ready to go tomorrow. We are ready. There is something so perfectly peaceful about that...being ready. We aren't discontent. We aren't in a hurry. We aren't running away. We are simply ready. Everyday that readiness grows and we learn and are shaped in ways that we didn't know we needed shaping and growing the day before. These kids of mine have been so amazing. I look at them and wonder if I would have been strong enough. I hear them express their concerns like Oliver Jack telling his daddy that he is "sad because he doesn't want him not to have his job but happy because he wants him to be able to help people" and I am just moved to tears...they are growing.
Kyle is growing.
I am growing.
Everyday and in every way we are growing.
As we moved in with my parents, what would be the opposite of the American Dream for most, I have realized even more just how we have been shaped for this moment all of our lives. My parents and Jade made room us (quite literally) and as I sit on the back porch helping feed babies and change diapers I laughed and said to my mom, "if I had a dollar for every baby that was fed and changed out here...." My parents have taken care of children since they were barely not children themselves...I have watched them nurture and love countless children like their own...and all the while they were teaching me that this is how you love people.
We have bounced between the homes of my parents and Kyle's parents over the last month and much like Jade's sweet handmade door banners that welcomed us into the space they made for us, Kyle's mom left tootsie rolls on our pillows the first night we stayed with them...these things may seem small but they represent the bigger truth of just how much they have welcomed us in their homes...
And as I watch Kyle's mom and dad generously share and give what they have with us I realize that this is where Kyle learned to give all that he has with others...
His parents have been shaping him and my parents have been shaping me and all the while God has been using his skillful potter's hands to make us into exactly what he would have us to be.
Just the other day, Harper and I were reading a story for her lessons and it was about a young boy who refused an expensive education because it would require him to dedicate 7 years of his life working for the man after his education. When he refused, the man asked him why and his response was, "I cannot serve two masters." Confused, the man asked who the other master was and the boy told him that he could not properly serve Jesus if his life was already tied to the employer.
Oh my, how this spoke to my heart! This pulling has been the exact name for the symptoms Kyle has felt over the past two years...knowing that God has been calling him out, yet not being to fully answer that call...and the freedom that comes from acknowledging that we cannot serve two masters...and all of this is what keeps it from being scary.
Despite the Aflac commercials that preach fear.
Despite the Merrill Lynch ads that preach financial doom.
Despite the looming truth of our personal inadequacies and past failures.
We do not fear.

We have been raised to love and show generosity.
We have felt His conviction for serving two masters.
We have been given a heart that bleeds for those that need Him.
And mostly we "have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7)

And for now, this is enough. Because it is all I have...

Heart on fire...

I was feeling nostalgic the other night and I decided to look through pictures tucked away nicely on our computer...I would smile and excitedly show Calvary pictures of himself when he was so tiny and squishy and after the fourth or fifth venture over to the screen he looked at me and said, "okay, I'm done looking now." I chuckled a little and felt a twinge of sadness that he didn't reciprocate my love of looking at these pictures.

And then I found this picture.

 

I just stared at it for what seemed like the longest time and the emotion evoked from deep within matched perfectly the emotion I feel when I think of leaving this life and moving to Costa Rica. It is an emotion I can only describe as my heart being on fire.
The look on Harper's face as she emerged from the baptismal waters, eyes fixed on Kyle, smile beaming is one of security, acceptance, and adoration...all together combined into one word: love.
I wish I was better at explaining myself...my words fail me...but what I can say is that God has created each and every person to know the type of love that Harper so evidently knows.

When I think about children going to sleep without knowing that they are loved, I think of Oliver Jack and how every night he asks me "to do that 'courageous' thing" and I proceed to tell him that he is a smart boy, a handsome boy, a kind boy, a loving boy, a brave boy, a strong boy, and a courageous boy.
When I think about children feeling alienated and alone, I think of Calvary and how overwhelmingly often I am working to bridge the gap between what I understand and what I know so that he does not have to feel that way.
When I think about girls being sold into slavery, I think of my Harper...and those are thoughts no mother can bear.
When I think about children not knowing how deeply they are loved, I think of Finley and how I feel like she tells me 100 times a day that she loves me just to hear me say it back.

My children are no different from them. Simply because they do not have names or faces yet does not make them any less intimately significant. My heart is on fire because it aches to be in a place that I have never been loving people I have never met...it aches as if I have been there...it aches as if I already know them...in the same way that I look at this picture and my heart aches remembering the moment and the love...

Every day we are closer to being there as the ties we have here are loosened. With the pain of each sacrifice, I rejoice in the truth of purpose...the purpose of loving people now, here and later, there and hopefully everywhere in between.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finishing up school.  i have loved this year, but i am ready for a break!
2. my friend christy deciding to homeschool...our kids have been best friends for 4 years now and i think she is kind of cool too...so excited to start this journey with her.
3. a fresh cut yard...even though i maintain my position that cutting the yard is only another form of vanity...i have to agree that it looks so pretty when it is all cut.
4. my hydrangeas.  they are beautiful.
5. how much my children love hot weather and water...i love the days of being outside, eating popsicles, and playing with the water hose.
6. my children asking to be excused from dinner and running straight away outside...it is the picture of the joy of childhood to me.
7. the funny big/little ways that God works...
8. having so many people come out and support us at the yard sale.
9. jacob's photo shoot with harper and merriwether...
10. harper's friends from church inviting her over to play.
11. my friends from bible study singing happy birthday to me.
12. the bunting that dalila made for me; she knows i love a bunting.
13. watching calvary swim...this kid loves a pool.
14. how the kids keep finding coins on the ground and they bring them to me and say, "for costa rica."
15. my baby brother and his wife.
16. hanging out with my parents...i miss just having time just to chat and have a meal with them...now that the kids are a little older, it is easier some times just to sit.
17. my husband buying me sunglasses for my birthday on his way home from being out of town...he is so very thoughtful.
18. klondike bars.  yum.