Heart on fire...

I was feeling nostalgic the other night and I decided to look through pictures tucked away nicely on our computer...I would smile and excitedly show Calvary pictures of himself when he was so tiny and squishy and after the fourth or fifth venture over to the screen he looked at me and said, "okay, I'm done looking now." I chuckled a little and felt a twinge of sadness that he didn't reciprocate my love of looking at these pictures.

And then I found this picture.

 

I just stared at it for what seemed like the longest time and the emotion evoked from deep within matched perfectly the emotion I feel when I think of leaving this life and moving to Costa Rica. It is an emotion I can only describe as my heart being on fire.
The look on Harper's face as she emerged from the baptismal waters, eyes fixed on Kyle, smile beaming is one of security, acceptance, and adoration...all together combined into one word: love.
I wish I was better at explaining myself...my words fail me...but what I can say is that God has created each and every person to know the type of love that Harper so evidently knows.

When I think about children going to sleep without knowing that they are loved, I think of Oliver Jack and how every night he asks me "to do that 'courageous' thing" and I proceed to tell him that he is a smart boy, a handsome boy, a kind boy, a loving boy, a brave boy, a strong boy, and a courageous boy.
When I think about children feeling alienated and alone, I think of Calvary and how overwhelmingly often I am working to bridge the gap between what I understand and what I know so that he does not have to feel that way.
When I think about girls being sold into slavery, I think of my Harper...and those are thoughts no mother can bear.
When I think about children not knowing how deeply they are loved, I think of Finley and how I feel like she tells me 100 times a day that she loves me just to hear me say it back.

My children are no different from them. Simply because they do not have names or faces yet does not make them any less intimately significant. My heart is on fire because it aches to be in a place that I have never been loving people I have never met...it aches as if I have been there...it aches as if I already know them...in the same way that I look at this picture and my heart aches remembering the moment and the love...

Every day we are closer to being there as the ties we have here are loosened. With the pain of each sacrifice, I rejoice in the truth of purpose...the purpose of loving people now, here and later, there and hopefully everywhere in between.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finishing up school.  i have loved this year, but i am ready for a break!
2. my friend christy deciding to homeschool...our kids have been best friends for 4 years now and i think she is kind of cool too...so excited to start this journey with her.
3. a fresh cut yard...even though i maintain my position that cutting the yard is only another form of vanity...i have to agree that it looks so pretty when it is all cut.
4. my hydrangeas.  they are beautiful.
5. how much my children love hot weather and water...i love the days of being outside, eating popsicles, and playing with the water hose.
6. my children asking to be excused from dinner and running straight away outside...it is the picture of the joy of childhood to me.
7. the funny big/little ways that God works...
8. having so many people come out and support us at the yard sale.
9. jacob's photo shoot with harper and merriwether...
10. harper's friends from church inviting her over to play.
11. my friends from bible study singing happy birthday to me.
12. the bunting that dalila made for me; she knows i love a bunting.
13. watching calvary swim...this kid loves a pool.
14. how the kids keep finding coins on the ground and they bring them to me and say, "for costa rica."
15. my baby brother and his wife.
16. hanging out with my parents...i miss just having time just to chat and have a meal with them...now that the kids are a little older, it is easier some times just to sit.
17. my husband buying me sunglasses for my birthday on his way home from being out of town...he is so very thoughtful.
18. klondike bars.  yum.

nostalgia, yard sales, and other happenings...

this past weekend was a whirlwind to say the very least.  i am finally feeling 100% recovered and my spirit is in full prayer mode for the next big hurdle in our path...our lovely home (or it has potential to be lovely if someone other than myself lives in it with time to clean and keep the outside from looking like a daycare).
but first...just a moment to sit in relish in the workings of the Lord and reflect on His goodness and blessings.
we have started this process with only the assurance that God had called us to costa rica and the belief that His provision would draw us into full preparation.  and at each step i am just amazed at how He has done just that.
we had our first fundraiser/yard sale at my childhood home this past weekend and i just want to rejoice in what the Lord did through that event.
we were able to make a little over $1,800.00 at a yard sale manned by mostly just myself, kyle, and my mom and dad!
we had so much support that i felt all ooey and gooey all weekend long.  i just wish i had the words to express what it does for my heart and spirit to see our family come alongside of us and work with us to accomplish this calling.  it has truly been beautiful to me.
my sweet mom and dad worked their little bodies to the extreme and graciously opened their home to us and all the joys that come with countless children fending for themselves in the midst of chaos.
i had been praying all week that the sale would be successful and even praying specifically that we would make between 1,500-2,000.  friday evening we parked the biggest u-haul you can get in their driveway and they unflinchingly jumped in to start unloading and organizing.  kyle and i had loaded the truck to the brim with donations from christy, jennifer, alli and david, my aunt and uncle and cousins, kyle's mom and dad, and my like-family-friend linda maxine.  the truck was seriously loaded to the brim.  when kyle arrived at my parents' house (who plans a yard sale the weekend of the race?!?!) he slowly started to open the back and as he lifted the gate trinkets started spilling out like a closet shoved full.
i thought it was funny then.
i didn't think it was funny saturday morning.
i started to panic a little on saturday realizing that if all this stuff did not sell then we would be in quite a state trying to figure out how to get all this stuff back to our home...i started praying again...and i just kept pulling stuff out and setting it up and praying.
and before i knew it we were surrounded by a sea of gray make room for the murray shirts and i forgot about all my apprehension.
my mom's neighbors jumped right in and offered their help and our sale spread out over all three yards.  it was massive.
we were still selling things at 6:00 when i had to leave to meet  one of my former students in belmont...my dad eventually had to shut everything down and make my little momma come inside to get some rest...
by the time we donated stuff to the homeless ministry in charlotte and christian mission in mooresville we were down to only 1 truck load to bring back home!
God is so good...i am not sure why i even fret at all...i guess denying my concerns would keep me from seeing his faithfulness at times though :)
the biggest blessing in all of this was all the support.
at almost the same exact time we had people from different times in our lives all gathered with us in the front yard of my parents' home. it was the biggest gift, the biggest encouragement, and the biggest picture of what i hope to bring with me to minister to the lives of the children in costa rica.
i know i keep saying it, and i fear it may become trite, but we truly are just so grateful and so humbled.

The next step...

Sooooo things are getting real now. I referenced in my last post that the conference I had attended the week before helped to prepare my heart for what was about to happen next...and that "next" thing is the selling of just about all of our earthly possessions in an attempt to ready ourselves for the call to serve in Costa Rica.
After hugging my husband and children and soaking in all the sweetness that comes with being missed, I looked around to see that my husband had been quite busy while I was away!
Our living room was noticeably bare...
The school room had no furniture...
The garage was starting to fill with boxes and furniture...
And it hit me.
Of course I knew that this was part of the process; of course I had already planned what was going to sell and what we would store....but knowing only takes my heart part of the way to the destination...
So this week while Kyle has been away I have been sorting and gathering and preparing. I am not going to lie and say that it has not been tough. But I will say that it has been more like a labor pain...labor is NOT fun...but it is worth it.
I have not questioned what we are doing. That assurance can only come from The Lord. It also gives me great assurance that God is ready to see the fruit of labor in Costa Rica! Oh, the plans He must have for that country!!!
I have loved reading and hearing about the flood of beautiful things happening in Honduras and my heart is so encouraged and excited!
I know in my heart and spirit that all that we have here on earth is temporal, but practicing that knowledge is not always as easy...but the testimony of the great work being done there has encouraged me in ways unimaginable.
That being said, I hope that if anyone local would want to come out and support us we would be so grateful and so excited to see your faces!
The kids are going to have a lemonade stand and a bake sale...they have so generously gone through their own toys and decided what they will give up...my dad is going to be grilling hot dogs....my mom is selling Tupperware and 31 as a fundraiser....Marsha Chester has offered to sell Celebrating Home as a fundraiser for ROOM...many of our sweet friends donated generously of their stuff for us to sell...it is going to be a good day.
We are celebrating the work that is being done, we are celebrating the part we are so blessed to play, and we are celebrating what is yet to come!
If you cannot attend, but would like to donate please follow the website makeroomforthemurrays.com and it will link you to the Razoo site where you can securely make a donation.
Please check out Tara Garcia's Facebook page to get a look into the things happening in Honduras. Or check out her blog, taramakeroom.blogspot.com.

Shine...

this past week i was given a fantastic opportunity to go to a conference at celebration church in jacksonville, fl.  kyle and his parents so very graciously worked together to pick up my duties with the kids and the kids, from what information i have been given, behaved beautifully.  they even missed me a little too.  

one of the biggest gifts i was given this week was the gift of assurance of purpose. i haven't really questioned God's calling of our family to costa rica because everything has been so dripping in "only God" moments that to doubt has not really been a possibility.  

yet, though i do not doubt the calling, it is nice to have that assurance.  it is kind of like when a bride is about to walk down the aisle and her maid of honor tells her that it is going to be okay.  or when a new mother looks nervously at her newborn and the nurse tells her that it is going to be okay.  or when a student, who has studied for a test, is assured by their teacher that they are going to do great.  in all of these situations the person doesn't doubt what they are doing...but that assurance calms the spirit.  

and that is what God did for me this week; He calmed my spirit.

in one of the very first sessions, kerri weems taught on the difference between having drive and being driven.  she explained that it is a misconception that the work of Christ is laborious...when God is working with you and through you, He is also carrying the yoke.  the work may not be easy, but it will not crush you.  throughout this process, kyle and i have been amazed at how not scary it all has been.  we certainly have our work cut out for us, and each step requires a little more work, but we have not been tired...we have not dreaded the steps...and we have done things that we have never dreamed we were capable.  and in all reality, we are not capable...but with God carrying the yoke, the work is getting done.  

the following day priscilla shrier spoke on the nature of God, specifically, his patience.  when i think about my inadequacy to be used by God to do anything meaningful i am humbled to the point of almost inaction.  i begin to doubt how He could possibly want me or entrust me with his precious children. but in 1 timothy 1:16, God is described as having "perfect patience"...His patience is proved in how he justifies me as a sinner, he sanctifies me in spite of my penchant for sin, and then, after all of that, He uses me.  the process is big and little...when i think of where i have been and what it has taken me to get to the point where God would entrust me as a missionary, i realize how patient He is...but then, his patience is proved again in the fact that this process is done over and over again daily.  my spirit was once again calmed by this because i was reassured that God does not expect me to suddenly have it all together...He is patient...and in His perfect patience He will make me ready.

message after message, God spoke to my spirit.  seeing the significance of my life as a weapon in God's arsenal made me see even more so the significance of every life as saving.  just staring at a sea of women, seeing each of their faces, and knowing, truly knowing, that each one of them is significant to God is beautiful.  in understanding this significance it becomes simple to understand how and why he would ask us to give up our house, our jobs, and everything we know here to move to costa rica and serve the orphans.  

on the last night of worship i looked around as the crowd of people sang out to God...it was truly one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen.  

women were singing with the fullness of their voices...

their arms were stretched out as far as they could reach reminding me of my children reaching out to me when they want me to pick them up and pour my love into them...

and it seemed as if not a single person realized that they were not alone in the room with their God.  

their faces reflected the joy of their hearts and the whole room was filled with an overwhelming atmosphere of love and peace.  

i thought to myself, this is what heaven will be like.  

and while i am sure that this picture does not do the sight that i experienced i know that it will serve as a reminder to me of the beauty of a life laid down.  

in this moment, all of the people in the building were completely surrendered to Christ...and it was beautiful.

and, perfect to His nature, the calming of my spirit was perfectly timed as we prepare for the next big step in the journey to costa rica...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finally getting back to real life...i still feel pulled in so many different directions...but i feel like i am starting to get back to normal.
2. oliver jack playing with calvary instead of watching tv today when calvary had lost his tv privileges...i was grateful for that moment to be able to point out how nice it is to have a little brother...
3. calvary praying that his sunflowers will grow...those little guys are busting out with gusto!  i am almost as excited as he is to see them completely grown.
4. new flowers in my window box.
5. the enormous amount of blooms starting to peek out of my hydrangeas...every time i see them i think about the message of how pruning is a necessary part of life in order to produce fruit...what a sweet reminder in this season of our lives.
6. making friendship bracelets with harper.  it is hard for me to believe that she is big enough to be able to handle more complicated crafts but it is exciting as well...it won't be long before we are working on big things together.
7. how this month marks the last month of school!  i have loved homeschooling, but i am ready for a break!  i am ready to just play...this beautiful weather has me ready to spend all day at the pool, park, and just be outside playing and enjoying the easiness of a summer schedule.
8. having family over for dinner.  it is nice to share our table with friends and family.
9. my kids getting older and having deeper teachable moments with them.
10. the outpouring of generosity and support we have received through our donation marketplace on facebook.  
11. going grocery shopping...i haven't been grocery shopping in 4 weeks...unbelievable...all we have done is picked up a few things here and there...but today was the day when our shelves were filled.  
12. all the green in our yard...the woods in our backyard are starting to fill in but they are not out of control yet...the grass is starting to fill in but it is not so rampant that it is difficult to keep up with the mowing...
13. watching the blue birds fill their nests and take care of their babies...
14. having the quiet time of finley's nap to sit, rest, and catch up with the details of life.  
15. having strangers commend my children for their behavior.  those moments are sweet for all of us...my kids are proud...and i am proud of them...i love those moments...i assure you that there are also many moments where we are not spoken to commending behavior...but this week has been a good one.
16. mailing t shirts to people who have bought them.  
17. realizing just how much my children have learned this year.  i am proud of their accomplishments and how hard they have worked.  
18. watching calvary teach oliver jack school...it is so sweet to watch him "act" like a teacher and it is just as sweet to watch oliver jack respond to him.
19. harper telling calvary how amazed she is at his math abilities...i love when they build each other up...
20. oliver jack waking up yesterday morning and realizing that finley was snuggled up to him...he smiled so big and then laid as still as possible so not to disturb her.  he would bend down and kiss her cheek and then turn and grin at me...probably one of my forever moments...

Friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1. Having field trips with my friend/ fellow homeschool mom.
2. Getting a chance to be crafty...even if it means that I am getting very little sleep...with another friend to raise funds for Costa Rica.
3. Signing Kyle up for his immersion Spanish class.
4. Calvary calling Alli to ask her to make his birthday cake. Phone talking is not his strength and he really didn't want to do it, but he did! Of course Alli had already graciously agreed to make him a cake because she loves him...but he didn't know that ;)
5. Having Alli around for many reasons...just a few reasons are because she is an amazing gf baker, her work on our tshirts, and just her overall willingness to help us...we are so grateful.
6. Cleaning off our back deck from the layer of pollen that covered it so that we can now sit out there and do class or drink coffee...love it...
7. Finley and Oliver Jack "reading" their Bible during Bible time. Finley will say, "where do you want me to turn? Corinthians or blue?"
8. Watching my kids play in the sprinkler and with water balloons. We are for sure a summertime family...these kids love warm weather, water, flowers, and being outside giggling and having a good time.
9. Popsicles.
10. Wearing flip flops.
11. Oliver Jack's desire to buy Calvary a birthday present. He has been saving his money and he wants to use it to buy a present and it just makes my heart swoon to see them be so loving to each other.
12. Finley following Oliver Jack around wherever he goes and sitting right beside him on the couch. He pushed her up the hill on his bike yesterday and then ran behind her to "make sure she didn't suddenly jump off".
13. Harper's desire to craft and work with me. She is at the age where is so aware of what is going on and what is being said and wants to be a part of every decision making conversation...sometimes it is aggravating to be honest...but other times it is so sweet to see how much she loves and admires us...if only I could actually deserve that type of admiration.
14. Listening to Oliver Jack and Finley count. They are really into counting right now and they love to count EVERYTHING!
15. Mowing the grass and getting the yard tidied up.
16. Working in the nursery at church.
17. My kids in summer clothes...little girls in summer dresses and little boys in plaid shorts...so sweet.
18. Finley recognizing her name when it is written.
19. Harper's attention to details of picking out her clothes. She loves to put outfits together and try and make things coordinate. Love this part of her getting older.