friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. the kids made all a's on their report cards.  they have worked hard and i am proud of their efforts. 
2. clean teeth for 3 out of 4 children (finley doesn't go yet)..well water and copious amounts of candy were not victorious over their enamel...my mind is at peace...praise the Lord we do not have lots of cavities to pay for...
3. french vanilla k-cups for the keurig...yummy yummy
4. harper's book report.  she is such a writer.  love that about her.
5. running with harper.  i love that we have those few moments to walk and run and just chat by ourselves...they are far too rare.
6. at the park the other day finley was having huge issues with me not holding her and running (how dare i not run with her--i tried it...it wasn't pretty)...calvary and oliver jack were trying to comfort her and as they walked towards me, from about 100 yards away, calvary took off his coat and wrapped it around finley...i almost cried.  it was one of those beautiful, unprompted moments that make me realize that they are okay.  despite my shortcomings, they may turn out just fine.
7. oliver jack did not want to be outdone so later finley was laying on the bench covered up with both of their jackets. 
8. oliver jack reading to finley...he says, "sit right here, baby...do you like this book, baby?" in his most gentle and loving voice.
9. finley eating up all of their attention...she really is going to be a monster.
10. bad days.  no, really.  when i finally get through a day where it seems like all i have done is mediate bickering, fuss about the same messes that i feel like i fuss about all day, fear the laundry pile is soon going to be insurmountable, and trudge through a school day where no one has motivation i have a moment where i realize that this isn't my everyday.  i love that.  it helps me to be grateful for the days that i all too often let pass by without mentioning how remarkable they truly are. 
11. skype.  it is cool to talk to people who are so far away and be able to see their face and their worlds. 
12. meeting new friends. 
13. hearing calvary conspire with kyle about using his money to buy something special for me.  he is really, really stingy with his money.  he doesn't like to all of his money on anything.  gift cards are his own personal purgatory...but he is excited about buying me something.  i don't know what it is...but i am going to love it forever. 
14. calvary made all of us valentines and used his hershey kisses to tape to the back.  for each one of us he drew a picture of him and the person he was giving the valentine doing something special.  it was beautiful.  he doesn't do things like that often and somehow that makes it even more beautiful...
15. finley ate a salad the other night.  we are all still pretty schocked by that.
16. the twice baked mashed potatoes i made last night...they were pretty much heaven. 
17. the old men at wendy's the other day that just oohed and ahhed over my children.  they just kept talking about how beautiful they are and how well behaved...it made us all feel pretty good....although i can assure that no one in wal-mart stopped to express the same sentiment...
18. calvary received a letter in the mail from his friend nash.  it made his day.
19. a sweet friend from church gave us an awesome container of lincoln logs that her son has outgrown...my kids have had hours and hours of fun playing with them already! grateful that someone thought of us and shared with us...
20. getting my hair cut tomorrow!  so excited!

acceptance versus awareness...

i have heard so much talk about the difference between asperger's awareness versus asperger's acceptance and the interesting point about both is that i believe i live in a continual state of trying to navigate being aware of calvary's aspieness and accepting calvary's aspieness. 
if it is difficult for me to tread these waters i can only imagine how difficult it is for someone who is not in the trenches daily to accept the actions of a person that are completely incongruent with what our standards are.  and while it causes me deep, deep stress to see the eyes of onlookers judging me or my child in the midst of a difficult moment, i understand.
we have made tremendous strides with calvary.  we have come so far from the days of almost continual meltdowns.  i have often compared my life then to a hostage situation.  i felt like i was constantly trying to talk him down and spare the hostages.  continual is no literary hyperbole either...it was very literally a continual state in our home. 
however, i know we are beyond blessed to be where we are now.  we are learning.  calvary is learning and trying and i think a huge part of his efforts are a result of seeing so many of the people he loves learn and try as well. 
afterall, a relationship is not one sided. 
i believe that the big difference between awareness and acceptance is how much work a person is willing to put in to understand another person. 
i am aware of so many things.  i am aware of polka music, deep sea fishing, bungee jumpers and millions of other things.  but i am not at a place where i care to understand polka music, the desire to deep see fish, or the psychology behind bungee jumping--perhaps there will be a day when i meet someone who plants some seed in me where my awareness grows into more of an acceptance...but, that day is not today.
this is how it is for calvary.  i don't expect everyone to have an acceptance for my son growling, covering his eyes, or throwing himself on the floor in the middle of a store or restaurant.  i would wish for it.  i pray for it for his sake (and to be honest, sometimes my own).  but the reality is that not everyone has been touched by autism. 
i feel sad for those people...because just how i am most likely missing out on the great joys of polka music, deep sea fishing, and bungee jumping because i am too scared or judgemental of its quirkiness...many, many people are missing out on the beauty of who my son is.

we have come so far...and by we i mean our family and friends...in trying to learn and understand calvary's differences. 
it has made all the difference in the world for him. 
now, instead of being forced to constantly bend to a world that he doesn't always understand there are moments where we are bending to try and understand his world. 
i cannot imagine what a relief that must be for him.  he is only a child.  he is a child that has spent a large chunk of his 6 years of life reacting to a world that he doesn't understand and being parented as if he does or should.  the other chunk of his life he has spent trying to LEARN a world that is foreign to him.  i can only imagine what a reprieve it is for his mind to have moments where someone understands...or at least tries. 

the interesting part for me is how much i am still learning about calvary.  the minute i think i am an expert on all things aspie...i realize that i do not have a clue. 
it still boggles my mind how difficult it is for calvary to navigate this world that he sees as so chaotic.  he does so well that i forget to prepare him for a meal at a friend's house or set the timer for his class....and then...well...then...i remember. 

but it is all a learning curve.  he will be learning his whole life.  there are times where i am tired.  i am tired of trying to figure out how to help him deal with anxiety, worry about a snacks that are gluten free, remember to clearly state my expectations for every.little.thing....but then i think...i bet he is tired too.  tired of trying to understand why no one else feels overwhelmed by all of the sensory input he receives at every.single.moment, tired of not being able to eat the cupcakes that are sitting on my oven, tired of not knowing how to talk to that kid at the park with whom he desperately wants to play....and i remember that awareness and acceptance are different things--one is a continuous dance between education and compassion and the other, while nice, doesn't require much effort at all. 

i am looking forward to where calvary will be 5 years from now...and i am interested in learning how God is going to use all of this character shaping in the lives of our family and friends throughout the rest of our lives...but mostly i am just grateful.  i am grateful for the blessing that he is.  i am grateful that God trusted me enough to be one of his parents.  i am grateful that my other children have learned so much and do not show any signs of resentment towards him and the attention he receives.  i am grateful for the resources that have been available and the friends i have made. 
he really is beautiful. 

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. change.  the possibility of change.  the expectation of change.  i am just going to embrace the change that comes with this year.  this is the sermon that was taught to us the very first week of church and i have just really decided that, though i have no idea what this year may bring, i am going to live in the change and expect that where i am will be used to advance His kingdom...
2. harper and calvary cleaning their rooms after bedtime because they knew how upset i was at just how messy it was.  i knew what they were doing as i heard them shuffle around and open doors, but i loved that their heart was to please me. 
3. calvary threw a pillow yesterday in the living room and it hit a lamp.  immediately harper yelled, "JACK!" (it is to be expected from him) but calvary said with quickly and with remorse, "it was all my fault! i threw a pillow!"  my heart burst with love for him because we have been trying to teach our children their whole lives that it is more important to take responsibility for our actions then to try to appear perfect. 
4. how finley just melts into my lap or arms or wherever she is when i hold her.  no part of her fights being cuddled and loved. 
5. trying to use technology to communicate with friends.
6. having time to read.
7. using that time to read "families where grace is in place."
8. harper, calvary, and oliver jack playing monopoly together.  harper is quite the landlord. 
9. my mom and dad and sister taking the kids to go and see a movie.  so nice for them to have that time with each other.
10. kyle's dad riding with me to raliegh to get my marriage certificate.  i was planning on managing on my own and i am used to maneuvering with all 4 kids by myself but he offered and it was so nice to have an extra set of hands.  especially when we realized just how small the office of vital records actually is.
11. how great my kids did during those two days of errands and sitting. 
12. having coffee with lori.  i am just so grateful for how our friendship has grown over the years.  we started out as just being in the same couples sunday school class before they were even married....now we have 6 kids between the 4 of us and faced so many similar challenges with our two Aspie boys.
13. how much oliver jack loves to do crafts with me.
14. harper making presents for her friends.  she just has such heart to give.  her generosity and creativity are two of my most favorite qualities.
15. christy surprising me with a coke and boberry biscuits...
16. my little brother calling just to check on me.  he's such a grown up now.  granted he will be 30 in july, he still seems like my baby brother to me. 
17. oliver jack's love of babies.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. weekly bible study with women from my church.  it has been great to hang out, laugh, sometimes cry and through it all learn more about what it means to love God with such a diverse collection of women. 
2. finley slept in her own bed last night for the first time!  she used to sleep in her crib just fine, but we had not had a finley free evening since we transitioned her to a big bed. 
3. she came to my bed this morning at 5 am saying "we're going to have a party with dancing and ice cream?!"...i told her that if she ever slept in her own bed we would have a huge party...i guess i know what we are doing tonight :)
4. i was having a discussion with harper one morning about how she sometimes struggles with admitting that she's wrong and she tries to blame other people in a way to make an excuse for her wrong doing.  i was trying not to be too condemning so i was assuring her that i have struggled with this and so has so many other people but my hope for her is that she will learn the lessons i have learned earlier and with less hardships...to which she responded, "too bad...i want to be just like you."  (i want so much more for her than to be like me but it brings my heart joy to know that she loves me and admires me in spite of all of my shortcomings)
5. finley told me to turn my head over because she "can't see my ol' big eyes".
6. oliver jack telling me multiple times throughout the day that he loves me.
7. oliver jack's complete refusal to wear underwear.  i can't help it...it makes me laugh.
8. kyle laughing so hard that he cried when oliver jack got up from the dinner table and started dancing...kyle firmly told him it was not time to dance it was time to sit down and eat...which is when oliver jack decided to drop his pants and say, "feast your eyes!" (thanks brave)...kyle tried to keep a straight face but he couldn't...  he just looked at me and asked, "why does  it always go there with him?!"
9. calvary waking me up every morning at promptly 7:30.  he whispers, "it's 7:30."  sometimes it is nice having someone in the house with a rigid understanding of rules...other times, not so much. 
10. calvary's new therapist.  they seem to be getting along great and the doctor has been so encouraging to me.  i couldn't ask for more.
11. harper working so hard at her school work.  she gets aggravated sometimes and i have to help get her back to a place with a good attitude, but for the most part this girl can work!  we go through her lessons for the day, i teach her what needs to be taught, and then she takes her list of work and just does it. 
12. homeschooling.  i love that we have the freedom to start when we want to start and that the kids have the freedom to choose which subjects they want to start with and where they want to learn.  it truly is such an empowering way to learn.  at this point, i hope that my kids always want to homeschool...
13. hearing finley say, "is this gluten free?'
14. the warmer weather which has allowed us to be outside playing football, soccer, and riding bikes.
15. anticipating planting my garden in the spring and possibly adding some chickens...yes, chickens...i think it will be fun...no matter what mr. levi says or kyle. 

happy birthday oliver jack...

 

this boy turns 4 years old tomorrow. 

i've spent the day reflecting on the boy he is becoming and all the many, many reasons that i am sad to see this year go.  but mostly i am just so happy to have him in my life.  he plays hard to get and tries to be so tough but more than any of my children he loves to hear me tell him how proud i am of him and how brave, courageous, smart, and kind he is. 
as i tuck him in at night i often go through the list of my most favorite attributes and every time i finish he smiles so big and says, "do it again, mommy."  and i do.  mostly because he lets me kiss his cheeks as long as i am telling him how great he is in the meantime :)
no one is surprised by his antics; he is pretty renowned for his exuberant charm.  in fact, one picture that jacob took shortly before the one i used here in the blog is one where oliver jack dropped his pants.  he will stop just short of nothing to make someone laugh.  this is the side of jack that most people see. 
but the oliver jack that i have watched develop over the last year has been so tender and sweet that i feel a little like i am exposing a lot more than he did when he dropped his pants when i even mention it.  he guards his sweet side a little more but its there.    his feelings are hurt easily and he loves his brother and sisters so much. 
i have a twinge of sadness each time he says, "calvary says he wants to play with me so can you tie my shoes so i can go play?"  he is always waiting for the green light with calvary.  i love watching how they have grown so close over the past few months.  calvary went from hardly being able to be in the same room with oliver jack to relying on him as his primary playmate.  part of this i believe is because oliver jack has taught calvary how to play.  everything that is difficult for calvary is completely natural for oliver jack. 
harper is his greatest accomplice.  he is willing to do everything that harper always thinks will be super funny but knows that she shouldn't do.  oliver jack is harper without reservation.  harper cares a little more about doing what is "right" where oliver jack cares a little more about making people laugh.  if the number of people who will laugh outnumbers the people who will be mad it is without question that the deed will be done.  and he knows he can always count on harper to laugh.  it is no wonder that he cries if she is not tucked in bed beside him at night.  he loves her companionship.  most nights he doesn't say a word.  he just quietly lays in his bed beside hers while she reads.  eventually he drifts off to sleep.  other nights, the two of them conspire together to torture calvary in the neighboring room.  somehow, harper is always just over the edge of her bed and under the sheets when kyle and i arrive at their doorway leaving oliver jack with symbolically red hands in the middle of the room. i am scared to think of what antics they will come up with in the future and slightly scared to think of what all has already happened without my knowledge but beyond that i am just blissfully in love with how much they enjoy each other's friendship.
finley is his greatest fan.  she loves him.  she goes to sleep saying that she is "harper's baby" but wakes up asking for  her "jackie".  he treats her like she is made of glass and for the most part spoils her far more than any of the rest of us could ever dream.  i say "for the most part" because lately he has taken to pushing her buttons a little more.  i love watching him love her because i know that when he, one day far from now, has a wife he will treat her with precious chivalry. 
in all these ways he reminds me of my father.  i feel like i have been given such a precious gift in knowing that my son is so much like my father, whom i admire so greatly.  there is not much that could make me prouder. 
oh, oliver jack...ever since the moment you were placed on my chest only to immediately pee in my face i should have known that my life with you would be exhilarating...but for some reason i am always surprised by you...
but i am never surprised by how much i love you...i love you. 

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

i almost didn't write this list...in fact, it is technically not even friday anymore.  i just feel so sad. but i feel in that way it is much more necessary...

1. oliver jack and finley sleeping in my bed together facing each other and dreaming.  they are completely oblivious to the evil in the world and it does my heart good knowing that they are safe. 
2. betty crocker gluten free cake mix that makes it so much easier for last minute gluten free cupcake needs.
3. the birthday party that calvary is going to tomorrow.  i pray that it goes well...he is so excited that it makes me both happy and sad.
4. chicken and waffles.  i have never had it before but i saw a recipe on pinterest and i decided to try it...i was excited all day and it wasn't disappointing :)
5. kyle taking off work 2 days this week. 
6. homeschooling...so many reasons...
7. calvary telling me, "i am glad you homeschool me."
8. walking to the park...even though it was over 1.5miles one way...it was fun exploring our road and watching the kids talk to the cows and horses. 
9. finley saying, "i just love that baby cow so much."
10. collecting food for the food bank with my kids.  we have been so blessed...and i don't say that in a way that insinuates that we have so much but actually to say that we have been given and provided for in ways that we could never have done so on our own that i am just so overwhelmed with gratitude that my heart just desires to bless others. 
11. gifts that remind me that God is going to take care of us. 
12. finley crying this morning as she woke up because kyle's back was to her and she cryingly said, "daddy! i can't see your big ol' face."
13. oliver jack crying for me when he was hurt and i was grocery shopping with harper.  he plays coy with me but moments like this remind me that he loves me.
14. grocery shopping with harper. 
15. calvary styling his hair.

Lord, i just pray for those families...what was taken from them today... i have no way of comprehending how to deal with such a loss...i pray for peace.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. oliver jack dressing finley.  he is so sweet as he puts her shoes on and picks out (absurd) clothes for her to wear.  with each item she puts on she looks at him and asks, "do i look pretty?"...to which he replies, "always".  melt my heart...
2. elf on the shelf antics.
3. my weekly bible study.  i love having a chance to get out of the house and spend some time with other women who are in the trenches...whatever their trenches may be (work, family, motherhood) it is refreshing to have a few moments/hours to remember that the world really isn't on my shoulders.
4.  harper saving money and being really excited about a purchase she is making rather than blowing it all on candy...like i do.
5. candy.
6. oliver jack snuggles.  he was always the sweetest little baby and now, as he nears his 4th birthday, i am seeing him finally slow down enough to give me a glimpse of that sweetness that once was.
7. calvary giving harper the last .23 cents that she needed to buy the beloved cupcake maker without any prompting from anyone else...moments of thoughtfulness like this are very rare for him...not an area of strength for most people with asperger's
8. not having as much disposable income...no really...sometimes i hate it...but this week i am loving that i am having to be more creative with gift giving as well as focus on what really matters.  we really have so much...and even though i wish i could give each of my kids everything that they want, i know that they are in homes filled with love and have all of their needs met.  there are many, many children that desperately want what i have provided. 
9. making my children happy with silly christmas activities.
10. calvary being invited to a birthday party for his best friend from kindergarten.  i think it will do his little heart such good to know that he has not been forgotten...
11. harper's friend bria...she is quirky and smart...so much like harper...just a little more of a tomboy.
12. the break from gymnastics and tae kwon do...it has been nice not having to rush from dinner to activity and break up our evenings with kyle.
13. kyle taking it upon himself to create and execute an elf on the shelf antic...he loves watching them laugh.
14. pulling into the garage last night, kyle greeted us at the door.  upon seeing his face finley started screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!".  she just couldn't wait to get out of the seat and into her daddy's arms. 
15. upcoming christmas break.  i am so excited about not having to do lesson plans or worry about quizzes and tests.
16. i thought last night how grateful i am to have a husband that not only supports me staying at home and educating our children but also assists me in any way that he possibly can.  i am not sure it would make sense financially for me to work seeing how i would have to find daycare and after school care for 4 children...but he carries a heavy load.  financially providing for our family is something that i am quite sure he thinks of multiple times a day. 
17. i am so in love with kyle.