little birdie loves to fly.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
teaching moments with calvary...
over the past week i have been trying to be diligent about taking pictures and making tangible notes about the interesting moments i have with calvary as his teacher. these moments are easy for me to forget because we move in and out of them with fluidity but yet they are all so profoundly part of what makes calvary so uniquely calvary...i always go back to that egg reading a book because all of our moments with calvary are similar to that one. we see the world one way and he sees it another. once he lets me in on how he sees the world, it makes perfect sense...and i can see it...but i would have never thought it before his explanation. that being said, i kept forgetting the funny moments we were having so i decided that i would try and remember to make a note and go back and take a picture of the moment so that i could tell kyle.
so this week we were reading a little story about the seasons creatively titled "Seasons"...i cannot remember who wrote the short story but i will try and go back and include that information later. anyway, we were breezing through the narrative and calvary came to this page:
once he got to this page he just started laughing. i asked him what was so funny and he responded, "'animals will look for spring'", more laughter, "you can't just find spring!". oh calvary...it is so interesting to me how deep "literal" thinking stems. most of the time i think of it in terms of idioms and sarcasm but even this little phrase is a hiccup for calvary. i had to explain to him that the author meant that the animals will start looking for the signs of spring...not actually spring all bundled up in a package hidden under a pile of snow. he knew that was a silly idea, but he also thought that is what the author meant. we had a little laugh thinking about silly animals looking for spring.
this next picture still blows my mind because it both amazes me of calvary's attention to detail and it illustrates perfectly how rigid he can be in his thoughts. i handed him his math work book and told him that he needed to do a few problems and this is one of the problems he was asked to solve:
he took one look at the problem and said, "i can't do that problem." i assured him that it was well within his realm of capability and i read the problem to him. after i finished reading, he looked at me and said, "i can't do this problem because angelfish would never be in a tank with goldfish. goldfish can't live in saltwater." well then. of course. i am sure that the writers of the first grade curriculum intended for the 6 year olds to catch on to that and answer that the question was invalid. he kept telling me that "0 goldfish would be in the tank" and i kept assuring him that he just needed to pretend like they could be. eventually, as is obvious by the completed work, he did actually do the problem.
this next one is a little more common for us and a little harder to follow. but yesterday we were reading in his science book about bamboo. calvary really likes science and he loves "real photographs" and this selection was particularly interesting to him. we read through the whole selection and when we got to the caption that reads "some bamboo plants can grow taller than a giraffe" calvary just looked at the two pictures in amazement. and then he said, "in the dr. seuss foot book it says, '24 feet' but this picture says 25 feet"...
it took me a few minutes to realize how his brain was connecting because seriously, i cannot remember the last time i read the dr. seuss foot book. but once i realize that the caption sparked his memory to that book i went off to find the book and see what he was talking about. i eventually found the book buried beneath a pile of books in his room (who knows how long ago he last read the book himself) and there it was...
this picture of some seussian drawing with 24 feet...
it may not be interesting to other people but my brain doesn't connect like that...across time and subject...but all the information in his brain is just sitting there. ready to be accessed at any given point. i find myself awestruck by how remarkable his memory is and also how concrete his language is. for me, abstraction is a part of life. i have been trained to analyze meaning and possible meaning in language to the point where i rarely see anything as literal. yet, calvary has a difficult time seeing anything beyond what is there. we read a story about a hat the other day. all these animals were trying to wear the hat and it was either too big or too small for everyone except for the last animal. on the last page all the animals were dancing and cheering and the mouse was wearing the hat. i asked calvary all the questions where the answer was written directly in the text and he had no problem answering. the last question was, "why are the animals happy on the last page" to which he responded, "how do i know why they're happy!?!?!". and then he threw the book and hid under the desk. he couldn't connect the dancing animals to being happy about the hat fitting the mouse. yet, he connect the phrase 24 feet and 25 feet across two unrelated books, two unrelated subjects, and two completely unrelated times. it boggles my mind.
what a gift it is to have a refreshingly new way of seeing the world. it is not always easy for him as evidenced by his frustration with questions that ask him to infer details about emotion. it is not always easy for me because i know that language and learning only gets more and more abstract the older that he gets and it is my job to help him prepare for that transition. but, it is a gift. 5 out of the 6 people in this house see the pictures and the question the same way...and he offers a different perspective and it is like scales fall from our eyes and we are able to see the world as a new and different place. hopefully, i can be successful in helping him also see the world the way that others see it so that he too can appreciate a different perspective...
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
"high functioning"...
this term is really a wolf parading in sheep's clothing...(this is actually a phrase calvary would have an incredibly difficult time processing and understanding)...but the image actually works here.
i have been processing my emotions towards all things autism for quite sometime now but this issue of "high functioning" is one that seems to perplex me the most.
i mean, shouldn't it be a good thing that calvary is referred to as "high functioning" to outsiders and casual passer-bys?
i think so.
but why, then, does it bother me?
i clearly do not want my child to be viewed as having certain limitations. i want the best for him. i want a perfectly "typical" life for him.
but...it really, really, really hits a nerve every time i hear:
"well, he must be very high functioning."
"i would have never guessed..."
"he seems perfectly normal to me..."
i know that everyone that says these things are well meaning. i know that they are simply stating what they believe that i want to hear.
but i don't know how to respond...
should i say, "thank you?"
because to me, saying thank you, implies that i would somehow not be pleased if he didn't appear to be "normal".
i don't want calvary to overhear me say thank you and believe then that i wish that he was anything other than what he is.
when someone says that he doesn't seem autistic and they mean it as a compliment underhandedly insults him as someone who is actually indeed autistic.
i have worked very hard to help ensure that calvary never sees his autism as a handicap. i want for him to know that he is awesome. but all of that is undermined when the ability to appear normal is what is his greatest autistic feat.
the truth is calvary is not normal.
he is smarter than average.
he is more detailed than average.
he has an ability to do things on computer games and video games that most adults cannot.
he sees patterns and puzzles in everything.
i don't want to take that away from him.
and even though there are some awesomely non-normal things about calvary there are some horribly non-normal things about him as well...
and if i was to be honest, it irks me when that is not recognized as well.
parenting calvary is tough. it is harder than parenting all three of our other children all together. it takes more emotionally and financially. and although he may pass for a typical child there are battles that we have fought that most people have not.
it somehow takes something away from me when someone looks at me as if we have made a mistake or the doctors (multiple) have made a mistake in the diagnosis. all of the battles...all of the meltdowns...all of the anxiety (his and ours)...all of the social struggles...all of the moments where communication is completely lost...all of these moments are lost and erased the moment someone looks at me like we are wrong.
we've worked hard at making social outings successful. we have worked hard at helping calvary deal with his anxiety. and even harder at helping him deal with aggression and irritability.
so, it is a wolf in sheep's clothing to hear that calvary is surprisingly autistic at moments because of course i want for his social outings to be seamless. but my goal is never to help him "appear normal" as if that is the statue of our limitation...
i am not even sure that this makes sense now that it is written down. i was hoping that i could make something coherent out of my inner turmoil with the term if i started writing but i am not sure i accomplished that. but its out at least...right?
sigh.
i have been processing my emotions towards all things autism for quite sometime now but this issue of "high functioning" is one that seems to perplex me the most.
i mean, shouldn't it be a good thing that calvary is referred to as "high functioning" to outsiders and casual passer-bys?
i think so.
but why, then, does it bother me?
i clearly do not want my child to be viewed as having certain limitations. i want the best for him. i want a perfectly "typical" life for him.
but...it really, really, really hits a nerve every time i hear:
"well, he must be very high functioning."
"i would have never guessed..."
"he seems perfectly normal to me..."
i know that everyone that says these things are well meaning. i know that they are simply stating what they believe that i want to hear.
but i don't know how to respond...
should i say, "thank you?"
because to me, saying thank you, implies that i would somehow not be pleased if he didn't appear to be "normal".
i don't want calvary to overhear me say thank you and believe then that i wish that he was anything other than what he is.
when someone says that he doesn't seem autistic and they mean it as a compliment underhandedly insults him as someone who is actually indeed autistic.
i have worked very hard to help ensure that calvary never sees his autism as a handicap. i want for him to know that he is awesome. but all of that is undermined when the ability to appear normal is what is his greatest autistic feat.
the truth is calvary is not normal.
he is smarter than average.
he is more detailed than average.
he has an ability to do things on computer games and video games that most adults cannot.
he sees patterns and puzzles in everything.
i don't want to take that away from him.
and even though there are some awesomely non-normal things about calvary there are some horribly non-normal things about him as well...
and if i was to be honest, it irks me when that is not recognized as well.
parenting calvary is tough. it is harder than parenting all three of our other children all together. it takes more emotionally and financially. and although he may pass for a typical child there are battles that we have fought that most people have not.
it somehow takes something away from me when someone looks at me as if we have made a mistake or the doctors (multiple) have made a mistake in the diagnosis. all of the battles...all of the meltdowns...all of the anxiety (his and ours)...all of the social struggles...all of the moments where communication is completely lost...all of these moments are lost and erased the moment someone looks at me like we are wrong.
we've worked hard at making social outings successful. we have worked hard at helping calvary deal with his anxiety. and even harder at helping him deal with aggression and irritability.
so, it is a wolf in sheep's clothing to hear that calvary is surprisingly autistic at moments because of course i want for his social outings to be seamless. but my goal is never to help him "appear normal" as if that is the statue of our limitation...
i am not even sure that this makes sense now that it is written down. i was hoping that i could make something coherent out of my inner turmoil with the term if i started writing but i am not sure i accomplished that. but its out at least...right?
sigh.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
school at home...
well, it seems as if school is on its way...we have made it through the first few weeks and are on lesson 20 in our curriculum...
20 lessons.
i cannot believe that we have started and finished 20 days of school!
i contemplated all the potential catasrophies of this set up and i am happy to say that we have not experienced any of those...the scariest of which included total mutiny, children dressed up like pirates, and kyle and i tied up with rope with duct tape across our mouths.
this post has taken me a little long to write because i didn't want to speak prematurely about how wonderful this all has been but i finally came to the realization that waiting for some sort of inevitable failure is such a pessimistic and grosely ungrateful way to live.
tomorrow may be terrible. i am not naive enough to think that if i say that homeschooling has been wonderful and without trouble that it means everyday must follow suit. i also hope that writing this now will help me remember the good on the days that i most need it.
one of the things that i worried about most was the children's willingness to work with me. it seemed that everyday homework after school last year was a fight. no one wanted to do their work. i had to cut playtime short or delay playtime altogether just so we could get the task done. harper was the worst. she would sit at the table and just stare at the pages, or roll around on the floor picking up her pencil for the 1 millionth time (the purposefulness of this was not lost on me), or just cry about how it was too hard and too much... but my reality has been much different than the school experience of last year. which leads me to believe that my presuppositions about school were well founded. it was just too much.
so here is how our school days look now:
7:00 am--i wake up and do my quiet time and get ready.
7:30 am--the kids get up and start rolling in to my room.
8:00 am-- we eat breakfast
8:30 am--the kids get dressed, make their beds, and brush their teeth while i clean up from breakfast.
9:00 am--we start school with bible.
9:30 am--harper starts math and calvary starts reading. i give instruction to harper, do a couple of problems with her, and then give her the assignment. while i teach harper, calvary usually entertains finley and oliver jack with a book or the sensory rice. then i read with calvary.
10:00 am--i give harper instruction for her science or social studies while calvary gets the little kids started with a show. then i give calvary his instruction for science or social studies.
10:30 am--we go outside for a snack and playtime. they like to ride their bikes and we also play games like mother may i or some sort of made up game involving a ball.
11:00 am --harper does her phonics and spelling. and calvary finishes up with math.
11:30 am--calvary, oliver jack, and finley usually play with play-doh, stamps, puzzles or go upstairs and play together while harper works on her last couple of assignments. she usually has an assignment that is once a week like art, gods of greece, or poetry that she works on during this time.
12:00 -- harper finishes up with reading. we read together and then she does her final assignments while the other kids help me prepare lunch.
12:30pm--lunch
1:00 pm--nap for finley and oliver jack and playtime for harper and calvary. they have been doing all sorts of things during this time. they have made comic books, played iPods, played memory, and watched TV among other things.
2:30/3:00--wake up and snack time.
3:30--lots of friends have been stopping by to play which has been great or we go to the park or run errands.
4:30/5:00--start cooking dinner
6:00-7:30--playtime with all of us since kyle is home
7:30--get ready for bed and watch a show
8:00/8:30--bedtime
since i do a homeschool charter school funded by the state we have a few online classes. calvary has three 30 minute classes while harper has one 30 minute class and two 1 hour classes a week. they have one each on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. it is really awesome to see them in their little classes and using the computer to learn skills that correlate with what we are doing together. and since monday and friday are free i turned monday into our home ec day where were do some sort of sewing project, cooking, or art project and i turned friday into science and nature day where we do some sort of experiment or nature study.
i am not sure how long we will stay with the homeschool charter school because it is so much structure for this free spirit...but that is exactly why we need it now. it has been the perfect transition for us from a traditional brick and mortar school to a homeschool family.
i also love that our whole life no longer revolves around school. our life now focuses on learning, each other, and others to a whole new level. i am grateful for this opportunity and i pray that it is an opportunity that my kids continue to enjoy in the years to come.
20 lessons.
i cannot believe that we have started and finished 20 days of school!
i contemplated all the potential catasrophies of this set up and i am happy to say that we have not experienced any of those...the scariest of which included total mutiny, children dressed up like pirates, and kyle and i tied up with rope with duct tape across our mouths.
this post has taken me a little long to write because i didn't want to speak prematurely about how wonderful this all has been but i finally came to the realization that waiting for some sort of inevitable failure is such a pessimistic and grosely ungrateful way to live.
tomorrow may be terrible. i am not naive enough to think that if i say that homeschooling has been wonderful and without trouble that it means everyday must follow suit. i also hope that writing this now will help me remember the good on the days that i most need it.
one of the things that i worried about most was the children's willingness to work with me. it seemed that everyday homework after school last year was a fight. no one wanted to do their work. i had to cut playtime short or delay playtime altogether just so we could get the task done. harper was the worst. she would sit at the table and just stare at the pages, or roll around on the floor picking up her pencil for the 1 millionth time (the purposefulness of this was not lost on me), or just cry about how it was too hard and too much... but my reality has been much different than the school experience of last year. which leads me to believe that my presuppositions about school were well founded. it was just too much.
so here is how our school days look now:
7:00 am--i wake up and do my quiet time and get ready.
7:30 am--the kids get up and start rolling in to my room.
8:00 am-- we eat breakfast
8:30 am--the kids get dressed, make their beds, and brush their teeth while i clean up from breakfast.
9:00 am--we start school with bible.
9:30 am--harper starts math and calvary starts reading. i give instruction to harper, do a couple of problems with her, and then give her the assignment. while i teach harper, calvary usually entertains finley and oliver jack with a book or the sensory rice. then i read with calvary.
10:00 am--i give harper instruction for her science or social studies while calvary gets the little kids started with a show. then i give calvary his instruction for science or social studies.
10:30 am--we go outside for a snack and playtime. they like to ride their bikes and we also play games like mother may i or some sort of made up game involving a ball.
11:00 am --harper does her phonics and spelling. and calvary finishes up with math.
11:30 am--calvary, oliver jack, and finley usually play with play-doh, stamps, puzzles or go upstairs and play together while harper works on her last couple of assignments. she usually has an assignment that is once a week like art, gods of greece, or poetry that she works on during this time.
12:00 -- harper finishes up with reading. we read together and then she does her final assignments while the other kids help me prepare lunch.
12:30pm--lunch
1:00 pm--nap for finley and oliver jack and playtime for harper and calvary. they have been doing all sorts of things during this time. they have made comic books, played iPods, played memory, and watched TV among other things.
2:30/3:00--wake up and snack time.
3:30--lots of friends have been stopping by to play which has been great or we go to the park or run errands.
4:30/5:00--start cooking dinner
6:00-7:30--playtime with all of us since kyle is home
7:30--get ready for bed and watch a show
8:00/8:30--bedtime
since i do a homeschool charter school funded by the state we have a few online classes. calvary has three 30 minute classes while harper has one 30 minute class and two 1 hour classes a week. they have one each on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. it is really awesome to see them in their little classes and using the computer to learn skills that correlate with what we are doing together. and since monday and friday are free i turned monday into our home ec day where were do some sort of sewing project, cooking, or art project and i turned friday into science and nature day where we do some sort of experiment or nature study.
i am not sure how long we will stay with the homeschool charter school because it is so much structure for this free spirit...but that is exactly why we need it now. it has been the perfect transition for us from a traditional brick and mortar school to a homeschool family.
i also love that our whole life no longer revolves around school. our life now focuses on learning, each other, and others to a whole new level. i am grateful for this opportunity and i pray that it is an opportunity that my kids continue to enjoy in the years to come.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
a day at the pool...
i look forward to summer. summer is the salve to my free spirited soul. just when deadlines, schedules, and the need for perfectly seasoned and laundered clothing starts to become oppressive summer comes in and breathes solace.
oh the joys of going to sleep as the need arises, not waking up before the sun peeks through the curtains, eating meals at a leisurely pace...no homework...oh, curse homework and the person who believes that after 7 hours of elementary education that there is still a need for home work...i need nothing more than the freedom from scheduling for summer to feel and be wonderful.
picking a favorite pasttime for filling our summer days would be challenging because as long as each day was free from any of the elements from my non-summer list i view it as perfectly spent.
we fill our days with popcicle eating, watermelon seed spitting, sidewalk drawing, park hopping, daytime napping, picnic snacking, finger painting, family vactioning and many other gerund-y phrases but i have to say the favorite of my crew is swimming...
it doesn't matter where.
it doesn't matter how.
it doesn't matter when.
it just matters that they can. all of my children love the water. it is a gift which i am expecially grateful for in the summer. i can't imagine if one of my children were deathly afraid of the water because i am sure that my pool time fun would turn into pool time torture.
but everyone...oldest to youngest...enjoys the pool.
harper loves to jump in and dive at the deep end, but she also loves to lovingly tote around finley.
calvary loves to practice getting dive sticks, but he also loves floating with complete abandon in a float.
oliver jack loves to practice swimming from the wall to the ladder, but he also loves to sit happily filling containers on the stairs.
finley...well...she likes to be held. on the side, in the pool, or wrapped in a towel...it doesn't matter...as long as she's held.
everyone indulges my need for gratituous amounts of photos...like here and here
everyone gets along...
and everyone sleeps heavily...and i can think of nothing better than a sweet summertime swim induced slumber.
oh the joys of going to sleep as the need arises, not waking up before the sun peeks through the curtains, eating meals at a leisurely pace...no homework...oh, curse homework and the person who believes that after 7 hours of elementary education that there is still a need for home work...i need nothing more than the freedom from scheduling for summer to feel and be wonderful.
picking a favorite pasttime for filling our summer days would be challenging because as long as each day was free from any of the elements from my non-summer list i view it as perfectly spent.
we fill our days with popcicle eating, watermelon seed spitting, sidewalk drawing, park hopping, daytime napping, picnic snacking, finger painting, family vactioning and many other gerund-y phrases but i have to say the favorite of my crew is swimming...
it doesn't matter where.
it doesn't matter how.
it doesn't matter when.
it just matters that they can. all of my children love the water. it is a gift which i am expecially grateful for in the summer. i can't imagine if one of my children were deathly afraid of the water because i am sure that my pool time fun would turn into pool time torture.
but everyone...oldest to youngest...enjoys the pool.
harper loves to jump in and dive at the deep end, but she also loves to lovingly tote around finley.
calvary loves to practice getting dive sticks, but he also loves floating with complete abandon in a float.
oliver jack loves to practice swimming from the wall to the ladder, but he also loves to sit happily filling containers on the stairs.
finley...well...she likes to be held. on the side, in the pool, or wrapped in a towel...it doesn't matter...as long as she's held.
everyone indulges my need for gratituous amounts of photos...like here and here
everyone gets along...
and everyone sleeps heavily...and i can think of nothing better than a sweet summertime swim induced slumber.
Friday, August 17, 2012
homeschool and aspergers's
i can hardly call myself an expert on the subject of asperger's or homeschooling seeing how i am new to both. calvary's diagnosis was only just "official" earlier this year (although we have suspected it for much longer) and monday is our first day of homeschooling. that being said, having a child that has an ASD makes parenting atypical...but when you are parenting an atypical child in the midst of typical children it can feel like burning a candle by two ends.
i knew homeschooling was going to be a challenge for me as an individual because i am not very organized and high pressure/high "to-do"s make me incredibly stressed. but it is a challenge that i feel up to and it is a challenge that i feel will strengthen me both as an individual and as a mother...if i don't quit...which may or may not have already crossed my mind. but in addition to being a challenge for me, i knew that it would stretch all of my children. of course harper was thrilled with the concept and couldn't wait to turn our home into her schoolhouse. i worried about her leaving her friends and her incredibly adoring fans (teachers and staff) at her school because i need her to feel like the amazing girl that she is...and sometimes i have to be the bad guy and bring her back down to size...i guess i will just have to tell her how wonderful she is an additonal 50 times a day to make sure she continues her development of that incredible self-image.
truth be told, harper isn't really with whom i was concerned. of course i have had countless conversations with her about her concerns or fears. we have tried to make special efforts to preserve her friendship with her best friend from school. but harper is fearless. as long as she can home at night she is ready to conquer the world by day (she has even been known to leave home for a few days too)...
calvary on the other hand is the one that i knew that would need extra precautions. so i designed our entire homeschooling experience with his needs in mind. thankfully, most kids also thrive in this kind of environment so i knew that it would be conducive for all of my children...but calvary NEEDS these provisions in order for there to be much chance at all for success in homeschooling.
1. we made designated areas for every activity. there is a cozy "nest" area for reading, a computer room, and a place for seat work
 |
| finley modeling the "nest" |
2. i knew that calvary would need a quiet place to "escape" to when he needed to focus on his work. he is becoming more aware of his super senses and sometimes has a difficult time processing his own thoughts when everyone is around...so we moved the computer into a separate room in hopes to give him a little more peace while he works on the computer.
 |
| the computer in the "ish" room--meaning that it is not quite designated for any one purpose. |
3. i made several busy bags with sensory input in mind. i have lacing boards to help develop those motor skills, button threading, marble sorting...lots and lots of activities for hands-on-energy-focusing time.
 |
| drawer full of fun...puzzles, busy bags, memory games |
4. calvary his own designated place for seat work. this will not change. his area will remain his area and the other kids will not be allowed to invade this "safe place". it is important that calvary knows what to expect, where to be, and where to find things. every thing has a place and a time. this will help him maintain his sense of order when everything inside his head sometimes feels so chaotic.
 |
| calvary land...we have one everywhere...the car, his room, and now the homeschooling room. |
5. again, lots of sensory input for supplies. play-d'oh was his outlet in kindergarten. whenever mrs. thomas noticed that calvary was having a difficult time she would allow him to disconnect and go to play-d'oh for some relaxation. i am not even sure she knew what a great service she was doing for his internal processing but her instincts where amazing. i wish i could bring her home with me :). we also have finger paints, pipe cleaners, glitter and tons of other fun messy, sensory delights.
6. we are also working on a sensory table so that we can have a place to work with water, lima beans, and sand. i almost cringe just thinking of the messes i will be cleaning up because of that one.
7. certainly by far the most mind consuming for me has been social interaction....with children with asperger's social training is not something with which to be taken lightly. i have even noticed this summer has been a difficult time with calvary for proper peer relations. he has started, as to be expected, to gravitate towards younger children. whenever we play with peers he has a very difficult time cooperating with play, bending to others needs, understanding how to be part of group, and proper conflict resolution. my challenge is to find balance so that he has enough opportunities to practice social graces without it becoming overwhelming. kyle, calvary's therapist, and i all agree that 7 hours a day 5 times a week is a bit excessive for exercising a weakness. all this being said, we are juggling two possible options for extra curricular individualized team sports...one of which is swimming and the other is tae kwon do. swimming is our first option and he goes to a 2 week trial session next week and harper is going to go with him. if he doesn't like swimming (or more importantly, if we cannot afford it) then he will go for tae kwon do.
8. chewy tubes so that he will not chew his fingers raw. between his need for sensory input, his perfection seeking attitude, and anxiety his fingers (and toes...ewww) have taken quite a punishing this past year. hopefully, something like this will help.
so, i am sure we are missing loads of points that need to be addressed...but we are going to take this one day at a time. even though the stress is a pretty intense fog through which to see...one thing i know for sure, i am going to love having harper and calvary home all year and i am going to try and revel in the gift in which i have been given
this blog is written in participation with kate krull's blog party with this week's theme being about kids with special needs and school. feel free to join!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
$
in most of our posts i only talk about the emotional hardships or parenting hardships or the fun we are having. we have been to disney world, the beach, harper has been in ballet, the kids have done soccer and t-ball, and calvary has gone to occupational therapy and had evaluations. it would never seem to the outside world that any of this is difficult.
most people like to pretend that money is not ever an issue in a world where most issues are actually related to money.
i am guilty of that just as much as the next person but the reality is that kids are expensive.
i blew some minds with that one.
but what i mean to say is that kids are really, really expensive.
kyle and i have never been the type that actually weighed our financial standing as our scale tipper in decision making. we have always trusted God and His provision and thankfully we have always...always...had everything we have needed and a good bit of our wants.
i made a conscious decision early on in our marriage that i was not going to let money cause me anxiety and, while God has always provided, there have been some tough times.
most of our strain always comes from the unexpected. things like calvary having to have surgery to correct pyloric stenosis when he was just 5 weeks old really upset the fragile economy known as our finances.
who can plan for that? certainly not me. i barely plan the kids... :)
the biggest complication to our financial world has been this whole autism world. everything from evaluations, to therapy, to specialists, to social activities, to special foods, cost money...and lots of it. insult to injury is how insurance companies can ALWAYS find a way around paying coverage for these treatments. and unless you are willing to load up credit cards with piles and piles of debt or unless you have fathomless pockets full of money decisions have to be weighed and made.
but then there's the guilt. the guilt of having to provide for your children's needs. i can always deny myself a haircut or a new pair of cute shoes, but how can i deny services that others deem my child needs?
autism is a vaccuum for time and money. i would be a hopeless optimist if i believed that people in the field did not 1. know about this guilt and 2. take advantage. trying to navigate and discern between genuine need and fluff is exhausting.
i will say that i know that my character has been strengthened by all of this.
i found this on pinterest the other day and i went on to read the rest of the passage and i am so grateful for how we have just enough. not so much that we forget that we must rely on God but not so little that would think to steal. we have just enough.
my character has been shaped to mold me into a person who has a better understanding of the differences between need and want (my incredibly westernized lifestyle still puts that at a laughable concept for the rest of the world)
i am much more creative. it is amazing what a person can do when they really have to!
i have learned that generosity has as much to do with time, forgiveness, love, and resources as it does with finances.
i have learned to be grateful for little acts of generosity much more...
i have learned to pray. pray for discernment. pray for blessings. pray for peace. pray for ways to open our hands to others who may have needs we can fulfill.
i have realized just how blessed we are.
we are on the brink of a year full of possibilites. and right now i am overwhelmed with the question of need and provision. i needed to remind myself of just how richly we have been blessed.
most people like to pretend that money is not ever an issue in a world where most issues are actually related to money.
i am guilty of that just as much as the next person but the reality is that kids are expensive.
i blew some minds with that one.
but what i mean to say is that kids are really, really expensive.
kyle and i have never been the type that actually weighed our financial standing as our scale tipper in decision making. we have always trusted God and His provision and thankfully we have always...always...had everything we have needed and a good bit of our wants.
i made a conscious decision early on in our marriage that i was not going to let money cause me anxiety and, while God has always provided, there have been some tough times.
most of our strain always comes from the unexpected. things like calvary having to have surgery to correct pyloric stenosis when he was just 5 weeks old really upset the fragile economy known as our finances.
who can plan for that? certainly not me. i barely plan the kids... :)
the biggest complication to our financial world has been this whole autism world. everything from evaluations, to therapy, to specialists, to social activities, to special foods, cost money...and lots of it. insult to injury is how insurance companies can ALWAYS find a way around paying coverage for these treatments. and unless you are willing to load up credit cards with piles and piles of debt or unless you have fathomless pockets full of money decisions have to be weighed and made.
but then there's the guilt. the guilt of having to provide for your children's needs. i can always deny myself a haircut or a new pair of cute shoes, but how can i deny services that others deem my child needs?
autism is a vaccuum for time and money. i would be a hopeless optimist if i believed that people in the field did not 1. know about this guilt and 2. take advantage. trying to navigate and discern between genuine need and fluff is exhausting.
i will say that i know that my character has been strengthened by all of this.
i found this on pinterest the other day and i went on to read the rest of the passage and i am so grateful for how we have just enough. not so much that we forget that we must rely on God but not so little that would think to steal. we have just enough.
my character has been shaped to mold me into a person who has a better understanding of the differences between need and want (my incredibly westernized lifestyle still puts that at a laughable concept for the rest of the world)
i am much more creative. it is amazing what a person can do when they really have to!
i have learned that generosity has as much to do with time, forgiveness, love, and resources as it does with finances.
i have learned to be grateful for little acts of generosity much more...
i have learned to pray. pray for discernment. pray for blessings. pray for peace. pray for ways to open our hands to others who may have needs we can fulfill.
i have realized just how blessed we are.
we are on the brink of a year full of possibilites. and right now i am overwhelmed with the question of need and provision. i needed to remind myself of just how richly we have been blessed.
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