it's okay to shop boutiques...

if the same child can wear the same dress for multiple years...

the picture above is harper on her first day of kindergarten.

the picture below is harper in second grade.

lunch box drama...

sometimes i wonder why certain things always seem to happen to calvary. the one child in this family that finds it almost impossible (read: always impossible) to brush off big or small mishaps constantly is faced with almost all of those situations.
who was the kid that was walking too closely to the car and ran into the sliding door as it opened? calvary.
who was the kid that was given the defective toy in the happy meal box? calvary.
who was the kid that had an ice cream cone (on his second cone ever) with a hole in it? calvary.

maybe this is God's way of helping him learn to face the inevitability of life not going as we expect or plan. but i am not sure if calvary is ever going to be able to face these types of upsets with grace.
for instance, calvary has had a phenomenal transition into school. he has by far exceeded my expectations on every level. the only issues we have had are all centered around his lunchbox.
the first issue we had proves that i am an awesome mother. and it may even explain why calvary is the way he is. on the second day of school...let me emphasize THE VERY SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL THAT CALVARY HAS EVER ATTENDED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE...i switched his sandwich with harper's.
that may not sound like a big deal but calvary is allergic to peanuts and his sandwhich was a nutella sandwich while harper's was peanut butter and jelly. if this would have happened to harper she would have told her teacher and known that all would be well. calvary thought the world would end.
a few minutes after his discovery i received a phone call from the school nurse that went like this:
n: mrs. murray, this is so-and-so at blah blah school.
m: oh, hi!
n: yes, um, calvary has peanut butter and jelly for lunch today? (an aire of her opinion of my own stupidity rang clearly and loudly at this point, but i don't really blame her)
m: oh my! i must have switched harper and calvary's lunch!
n: that's okay. he refused to eat it so we thought we would call. so harper has his lunch?
m: yes. and i am so sorry. i know what him refusing to eat it looked like so i apologize for that too. (anyone that knows calvary knows that "refusing to eat it" is a nice way of saying "that kid really flipped his lid over that sandwich")

we hung up and i was feeling overwhelmingly guilty and i just wanted to check on calvary. so i grabbed oliver jack and finley and headed down to the school. it was then that i received my second phone call...

m: hello?
n: yes, this is so-and-so from blah blah school again.
m: okay.
n: harper has peanut butter and jelly too. (again, her opinion of my stupidity and incompetence as a mother reigns high)
m: oh my goodness! i have no idea what i was thinking! i am on my way up there right now. i will be there in a couple of minutes.
n: okay. it happens to all of us. (really? she doesn't even believe it as she says it, but i appreciate the courtesy)

i get to the school and calvary is all smiles. my heart is relieved but i am still way confused as to how i made such a colossal mistake. i called kyle to tell him what a horrible mother i am and he told me that i did make one chocolate sandwich and one peanut butter sandwich (he eats the crust for his breakfast :) ). i feel relieved a little. and i chock this up to one of those "only calvary" moments.

a few days later i receive another phone call from the school. this time it was from the assistant teacher in his class...

m: hello?
mrs.b: hi, this is so-and so from calvary's class. he forgot to bring his lunch today.
m: oh, where could he have left it?!
mrs.b: i am not sure. he already checked the cafeteria, but i guess i should have checked after him.
m: that's okay, i am not far from the school so i will check the car and if it is there i will bring it, but even if it is not i will just make another one and bring it up to the school just in case.
mrs. b: okay, that will be great. he was really upset (read: he totally flipped out) and i tried to reassure him by telling him that we would call you and if we couldn't get in touch with you that he could just eat in the cafeteria. but that only made him more upset. do you guys have a rule that they are not allowed to eat in the cafeteria? (read: he went totally insane and the only explanation is that eating in the cafeteria is against your political or religious beliefs)
m: no, but calvary is very particular. not picky because he eats a wide variety of foods; but he is very particular about their source. in his mind eating in the cafeteria is the same as eating out of the garbage can. we have nothing against the cafeteria and maybe by the end of the year we will be able to get calvary to try some things but i am not sure.
mrs. b: okay, i will let him know that you are on your way. thank you so much.
m: thank you for calling.

after school i asked him about the events of the day and he responded, "i surely did cry". i tried to explain that these are the little deals in life. we can always fix these problems and that if this ever happens again to remember that he doesn't have to get upset. he responded, "it better not happen again."

sometimes things happen to calvary that no one would handle with grace, but most of the times the things that happen to calvary that send him into a fit are things that most people could handle with grace. maybe that is why it seems like more happens to him. he doesn't actually encounter more mishaps; he just calls more attention to those events. my evidence? harper left her lunchbox in the car this morning. i saw it when i got finley out of her seat after dropping her off. no phone call.

she's an old pro...

finley was broken hearted and jack refused to acknowledge that it was happening and calvary could hardly face the truth that today was the day that harper was leaving... :)

harper actually started school the day before calvary and even though this is her third year starting school i feel like i would be completely amiss if i did not do some bragging on her alongside her brother.

one of my favorite characteristics of harper's is her ability to take what is handed to her. if it is time to go to school, then she goes to school. if it is time to go to the doctor, then she goes to the doctor. she NEVER puts on a show or makes a big fuss. because of that it can be difficult to distinguish her moments of anxiety or apprehension.

when harper is nervous or upset about something she becomes much more emotional. the smallest things bring her to tears, but it takes someone knowing her really well to connect the actions to their true root. she also becomes my shadow. her normal independence gives way to a sudden clinginess yet she still finds a way to mask her dependence by making it seem like she is there for my benefit (folding laundry, setting the table, carrying groceries). i sometimes confuse independence for invulnerability and it is in these moments that i am learning that i need to teach harper that it is possible to feel both independent and vulnerable at the same time. she is growing up, but she's not done yet and at her core is just a little girl trying to pretend that she's ready to be on her own.

all of this to say that the day and night before harper's first day of school were spent with harper being uncharacteristically emotional and clingy. it didn't help that we have had a wonderful summer full of time spent together and enjoying the simplicity of the days. watching her nerves unfold made me want to cling on to her, but instead i reassured her that the next day would be full of wonderful and exciting things.

we all slept a little restless that night anticipating the beginning of the school year, but the morning went remarkably well. harper returned to her normal confident self and we were all ready. she handled the transition seamlessly and her grace and confidence in these situations only cements her increasing maturity.

i have been so proud of her this summer. she has always been my biggest helper and this summer was no different. one of the things we struggled with last school year was harper's attitude. she started to become a little too sassy but most of that caved way to her normal sweetness. to say that i am sad to share harper with her school is an understatement. i miss her so much while she is gone. but if this summer is any indication of the growth i will see this year then i cleave to the excitement i feel to see what will come.

she is such a good girl and i love her so much.

calvary goes to kindergarten....

last thursday calvary started his very first day of kindergarten. and while this day carries all of the normal heaviness and apprehensions, with calvary i carry an entirely different load of apprehension and fear.

in the back of my head are images of my baby boy sitting in a daycare center with a blank stare refusing to interact or become a part of the group.
i also hear the voice of our childcare provider saying, "i have never, in over 20 years of experience, seen such unprovoked rage in a child before."
i feel the weight of his body as he would cling to me as we tried to drop him off at his classroom at church.
i see the look on his face all the times he has been misunderstood, ignored, or embarrassed.
i hear his voice explain that someone followed him too closely or spoke too loudly.
i see him struggle and become frustrated to do the physical and social activities that his occupational therapist has asked him to do...
and yet, here we are...
taking my five year old son to kindergarten.
i have wanted to stay optimistic. calvary has made drastic improvements and grown up so much. in my heart i wanted to believe that everything would be just fine, but if i was to be honest i would have to admit that i was out of my mind with anxiety.
it is difficult to carry all of the memories and visions of all of your child's struggles and then put that same child in a position that has caused so many of those memories and visions.

i don't think that i expected the worst. i just knew that the worst was a possibility.
but calvary was excited.
he carried none of those memories.
all he carried was a pirate back pack that my mom and dad had bought him for his birthday and a matching lunchbox that nick and jessica had given him.
he walked into the school and clung to my leg for just a moment.
i told him i would walk him to his cubby and then i would leave. we walked in together and i kissed him as i left him at his desk. he didn't cry. he didn't ask to go home. he didn't stare blankly.
he took out crayons and started to color.

what a beautiful moment for him and for kyle and i. we have worked so hard for this moment. we have invested so much. every day since he has come back excited for the next day. and i thank God for such a wonderfully hopeful start to this journey. i know that the days before us are unknown, but no matter what those days bring these are the new moments i carry.

labor of love...

one of the new pieces made by kathy for finley...

an original piece of the quilt kathy's mom made for her with one of her tags that have the name "lorene reid"across the bottom.

finley loves her blanket...

kyle's mom diligently recreated a quilt that her mom made for her. she put in countless hours researching, cutting, pinning, stitching, and more cutting, pinning, and stitching. i know that she put so much of herself into this blanket and even more than that she created a way that her mother's legacy can be carried on to future generations. i never personally knew kyle's nanny, but i feel like the pieces that she created tell a little of her story. finley already loves her quilt but i pray that as she gets older she will appreciate it on a whole new level.
sometimes "thank you" is not enough and i believe that this is one of those times...

empty(ier) nest...

a person can only be so prepared when considering becoming a parent. and by "so prepared" i really mean not at all prepared. the minute i found out that i was pregnant with my first child people started telling me how my life would change. i heard about how i would never sleep and how expensive they were...but really i believed that was limited to the first year. after all, most people concentrate on the cost of diapers and the early crying. but i have learned in hind sight, as i so often do, that those early woes are only God's way of preparing young parents for what is to come.
for example:
1. i was prepared for pain during childbirth...
but i could have never been prepared for the pain of watching my children experience the heartache of life.

2. i was prepared for the lack of sleep of infancy...
but i was not prepared for the sleep i would lose over the decisions i am making for my children.

3. i was prepared for the expense that a baby would add to my life...
but how could i have known that buying school supplies, paying for dance or sports, packing a lunch box, or filling a closet would more than make up the cost of diapers in the years to come.

today i packed two lunchboxes. i filled out two folders worth of forms. i set out two sets of clothes. i kissed two foreheads and hugged two tiny frames. i watched two hands wave as they walked away. i watched two of my babies continue their leaps into independence and i grieve the loss of the expensive diapers and the late night/early morning feedings. i know one day that i will grieve the loss of these days of innocence, but today my emotions are mixed. i am both proud and sad.
i am proud of myself for keeping it together as i walked my oldest son into his classroom today. i am proud of how he handled himself...so, so proud. i am proud of my daughter for being so brave and secure.
i am just happy for the gift of my children but i also face the realization that this gift is not mine forever. they are growing up.

she's kind of my pet...

bag and all.

finley likes to be carried. ground breaking, earth shattering news i know.

i took it to a new level one day when i put her in this bag of harper's. she completely cooperated because, of course, she was being carried. i was surprised with just how much she loved it. the minute i put her in, realized she loved, snapped a few pictures because it amused me how much she loved it, and took her out, she promptly crawled right back over to the bag and tried to put herself back in.

sigh.

i think i may be an enabler.