that baby of mine...

finley has passed the 13th month and she has definitely made some notable changes. harper and i were able to witness her first steps and we celebrated with lots of shouting and clapping. most days she repeats the show but she does not ever give us more than 2 or 3 steps at a time. she has 2 words: uh-oh and harper. uh-oh is clear, but harper is a bit contrived on our parts. she is much more of a nonverbal communicator. she holds her hand out flat when she wants someone to hand her something. she pops her lips when she wants you to give her something. she grunts to hug. and of course she cries when she is unhappy.
she is somewhat concernedly attached to me. 95% of her time is spent with me. she is known as the crying baby at the church nursery. they love her in spite of that, thankfully. she still clings to two nursing sessions, one at morning and night. she would still nurse all day if i would let her.
it is funny that from the first breath she took outside of the womb finley has been my child that wants the most coddling. we have indulged that coddling because she is just so ridiculously sweet. and since we have spent so much time with her paired with the coddling we have created a baby that never wants to be away from us. honestly i have not put much effort into working on this issue because only 5% of her time is spent outside of us. but i do cringe a little when she refuses to go to other people or cries at church nursery the entire time or, now, cries when she is not in my arms at our own house. i want her to want to be held but okay to be outside of that.
but, really, i know she will be okay...
i've enjoyed this baby so much but i am honestly excited about the future. this summer has been indicative of how finley's development is directly affecting the interactions of our entire family. the more my hands are freed up the more i am able to play. i have not realized how much i have missed just simply playing with all of my kids.
finley is still tiny. she wears mostly 3-6 months or 6-9 months clothing. she wears a size 3 shoe. and she is up to 18 lbs. she is by far my pickiest eater. i guess she is just like kyle :) she always examines every single thing that comes towards her mouth and it seems as if she has a strange intuition towards anything that is a vegetable. she turns her head and refuses admittance to anything that is suspect. even at 13 months old, she prefers pureed foods. for the most part all of her vegetables come in pureed forms.
my mom and dad bought her a book when she was born called Princess Baby and every day she proves more and more that she is living up to that title...

tough love...

Hebrews 12:6 "For the Lord disciplines those He loves..."

the honest truth is that as a parent i do not know too much about "tough love". i have had easy breezy moments that have required me to stand firm and not smile as my 2 year old tells me that he is going to unbuckle his seat belt but he promises "i'll tell you i'm sorry" when i scold him for even thinking about it. i have had difficult moments where i have forced my oldest son into a situation that makes him uncomfortable because i know that socially he needs to be pushed. i have had frustrating moments when my oldest daughter has tested limits and boundaries and i have been forced to fulfill the punishment that i threatened as a mere display of consistency.
but i have never had to deliver heart breaking moments of tough love.
i am amazed by the strength that it takes to discipline in those moments. the truth is that actions have consequences and sometimes in order to learn not to make the same choices over again it is necessary to feel the full weight of those consequences.
and i guess it is that time of year again for me. yep...it's birthday time! the joyous occasion of my daughter's birth always reminds me of how thankful i am for discipline.
i know i face more and more questions as my daughter's knowledge of life sits ominously off on the horizon, yet i can honestly say i am not scared of answering her questions. awkward. embarrassed. but not scared.
i live a life that testifies not only to discipline but to how God can use that discipline to become the greatest joy in our lives. i would like to say that i was ignorant to the fact that my choices were not great, but the truth is far from that. i knew that i was not in a healthy relationship. i knew that i deserved to be treated better. but unfortunately i disobeyed wise council. "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality" (I Thes 4:3). for so long i viewed that as being about restriction. but now i know that God's commands are to there to keep us happy and healthy. sex is meant to bind. it makes sense not to bind together that which will not remain. and for me, i could not leave a relationship that was clearly unhealthy because i had tied myself to a person for whom i was not made. when i found out i was pregnant i grieved. i am pretty sure i went through all the classic 7 stages. when i got to the stage dealing with anger i wondered "why me?". in my opinion at that moment i knew many people that were far more "guilty" than i was and i wondered why no one else seemed to be drawing the short straw. not too long after that my life began to change. i finally found the strength to close that chapter in my life. i finally walked away from that relationship, one i had wanted to walk away from many times before, because i thought of raising my child in that environment. i knew i didn't want her to know that life. i didn't want my baby to have to feel the way i had felt. i never wanted her to experience the pain i had felt. i deserved better and he deserved better. the consequence that i despised became my strength. it was in that moment that i realized that God knew that i would not be able to cut that tie for myself.
we both needed to be set free. and through that act of "tough love" our lives were forever changed. God had a better life for us and we couldn't walk in that because of our inability to follow his rules.
i remember reading in Zephaniah when i was pregnant with harper and a verse that i read that night became so real to me that night that it has stuck with me for these 7 years as a moment frozen in time and reminder to me of the God i serve. "The Lord within her is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning, He dispenses his justice, and every day he does not fail, yet the unrighteous know no shame." i still marvel at how God has used this life of mine, a life that i tried my hardest to mess up, and turned it around to be a life that brings Him glory. only God could do that. i have done plenty wrong, but somehow, even through consequence and discipline (or especially) God turns those moments into beacons in the darkness.
i still live with the consequence of my sin. everyday i see the ripple effect of choices i made in college. i see how my choices have affected my husband. how my choices have affected my family. my husband's family. my sons. my daughter. jacob. jacob's family. merriwether. my friends and their kids. and my sweet, precious harper. her life is a ripple effect of consequence that reflects the beauty of the tough love of God. i feel so humbled just to write that list of people who have been affected by my bad choices. i also feel so blessed. i deserved nothing, yet i was shown grace. and that grace looked oddly enough like tough love...

deep questions...

harper: "mommy can i wear goggles when i get baptized?"

thanks calvary...

(an out-of-nowhere conversation with calvary)

calvary: "mommy you look disgusting on the inside"
me: "huh?"
calvary: "on the inside...you look gross. i saw your bones when i lived in your belly."
me: "okay."

every day is not a good day.
sometimes things don't go my way.
sometimes insurance tries to be tricky.
sometimes bills come at unexpected and inconvenient times.
sometimes people hurt my feelings.
sometimes i expect too much.
but even in the middle of those bad days
i count myself blessed because i have a family...
i have a home
i have friends
i have a heart
i serve a loving and just God

thank you Jesus for your unfailing love. i pray for focus in the middle of storms. i pray to stay grounded in truth. i pray for the return of good days tomorrow :)

oliver jack vs. the potty part 2...

i honestly have not invested too much into the thought of jack going potty because i have not been ready to put the work into that task. i felt like he was going to be a tough case to crack because he is too 1) busy 2) stubborn 3) just plain aggravating. however, the week before we left for the beach he developed a terrible case of diaper rash. i figured that all of the fruit that we have been eating this summer was rough on his little belly and his bum payed the price. he just screamed and cried every time i needed to clean him up and at this point i started to reason with him. i told him that if he would wear underwear and go to the potty his bottom would not hurt anymore.

yep. i blamed the diapers.

i told my baby boy (who evidently is not really a baby anymore) that the diapers were mean and dirty and that they were hurting his bum.

that was the last time that he wore a diaper (except for sleeping at night).

now, that does not mean that we were without...umm...setbacks. in fact, i joked with kyle that for the first week i feared that we had only accomplished "house breaking" instead of "potty training".

oliver jack refused to go in a potty. instead he insisted on running outside and pulling down his pants and doing his business wherever he stopped. this usually was in plain view of the neighbors. but at least we were not wearing diapers. in fact, the first time he actually used a potty was at our first stop on the way to the beach.

he never had an accident at the pool, beach, or any time that we were out. that poor house took a beating. but outside the house remained unscathed by toddler fodder.

i do believe that it is safe to say that oliver jack now has ventured from diapers, to house broken, to officially potty trained in a matter of 2 weeks.

i feel i owe him an apology for expecting it to be a bit more difficult. but i will wait to give him that when he's changing my diapers one day.

my prayer tonight...

psalm 127:3 "children are a gift from God; they are a reward from Him"

Lord, i am humbled by your grace. i am humbled by the ways you have provided for our family. i feel ashamed of the ways that i have grieved you. i acknowledge how i deserve nothing that i have and honestly sometimes i fear that which i deserve. what a huge responsibility it is to be a parent. i feel inadequate but i know that your hand is on them. i know this because i have asked you to cover them and now i am asking it again. Lord, i give my children to you. i ask that you protect them in all the ways that i cannot. i pray that their hearts will be sealed and consecrated to you. i pray that they find freedom and joy in serving you. i ask that my heart will be evident to them. i pray that i can teach them to be responsible. i pray that i can show them how to love. i pray that i am the mother that you have called me to be.

tonight i am thankful for kyle, harper, calvary, oliver jack, and finley. i am thankful for family and good friends. i am thankful for kyle's job and how dedicated he is to being a provider for our family. i am thankful for our home and community. i am thankful to be part of a precious church family that inspires me. i am thankful for the joy that comes through the acceptance of God's forgiveness. i am thankful for summer storms. i am thankful for life.

my heart is so full of gratitude for the blessings in my life. i know that i have done nothing to deserve the joy in my life and that makes me even more in awe of your love. only you. thank you for each day. i pray that i make each one full.