Thursday, March 21, 2013

es para ti...


*this is long...really long...


i have been waiting for the perfect moment to sit down and write this blog.  i know that people have questions about our recent announcement of partnering with ROOM as missionaries in costa rica...and even if there are no questions...there is quite certainly some clarity i am still seeking within this call.  clarity that i know God will continue to give as his plan opens up under our feet.  at first i was scared that i did not have all the answers.  what am i going to do?  how can i help? what if my spanish is even worse than i think?  but then i was reminded of how even paul used words that were not exactly clear such as "perhaps" and "wherever" when he addressed the church of corinth (16:6).  so then i sighed...thanked God for where he has us now...and decided to write.
i don't have all the answers.  but before january i didn't even know that costa rica was in our future!
the best metaphor i can use for this situation is to think of a puzzle.
our family has been doing quite a bit of puzzles lately, much to my own chagrin...even though i do get sucked into them...  whenever we are working on a puzzle each person takes a certain part of the picture. i work on one corner, kyle works on another, harper sorts out the edge pieces, oliver jack runs by with a sticky hand and unknowingly to the rest of us manages to steal key pieces, calvary refuses to work because there are too many pieces and too many workers, and finley distracts us with other puzzles.
when kyle and i finish the parts that we are working on we know that we do not have the full picture.  there are still other parts of the puzzle to be completed.  i only have one specific element of the picture complete and kyle another.  to get a more complete picture we have to combine all of the separate parts.
this is the clearest illustration i can even think to have for where kyle and i are now! we have parts of this puzzle figured out.  we have realized that the past 2 years were a section of the puzzle....before that, my time pursuing a degree in spanish although never used and honestly not very good at it and my time teaching spanish by default of a series of strange circumstances are another section....kyle's time serving on mission teams, learning valuable skills that will be useful in any arena, his love for worship, his countless hours dedicated to coaching and teaching children are another section.
and then, once the picture of costa rica is in place, it will fit in with a bigger picture.
we can see that the puzzle is coming together, but those borders that harper is looking for are not going around just the call of costa rica.  and those pieces that oliver jack keeps stealing and hiding will always eventually be found...even when we don't believe him when he says he has the pieces and it is not until he opens up his little hands with that sneaky grin that we realize that pieces are even missing...and even though finley keeps distracting us with things that are good and fun and sweet...the puzzle will still get finished.  it is our job to stay focused.  and not to be discouraged or overwhelmed by the volume of pieces and the unknown like calvary...to look diligently to the one who knows the complete picture in order to guide our hands at finding the pieces...oh me!  i cannot even imagine trying to put a puzzle together without a picture of what the puzzle is intended to be!
and in this situation, only God knows.  only God knows what he has in store for us in costa rica.
we are grateful for the call.  our hearts are so ready to serve, connect, and build a program in costa rica like ROOM is ministering through in honduras.
currently, ROOM is assisting 27 orphanages in honduras!  that is HUGE!  prior to tara's family moving to honduras, they were only able to assist 4 orphanages.  in one of our first conversations tara briefly introduced me to her vision for ROOM in costa rica and basically stated that ROOM has made contact with 6 orphanages in costa rica and would love to do so much more than they are currently able to do.  in order to reach and assess the needs of these orphanages they would need to plant a missionary family there.




the cool thing is how God works...as they were praying for a family to fill that void and become a missionary family that would help pioneer the vision, God was speaking to my heart and kyle's.  
one morning before i was going to meet my friend traci for a playdate with our kids i called kyle just to chat.  during the conversation i told him, "i really feel like God is calling us into missions...to somewhere like costa rica"  he immediately made fun of me for choosing costa rica and i thought that the only reason costa rica came to my heart was because of my general love of spanish culture.  but God placed those words on my lips and in my heart because later that morning as I shared with traci the stirring we have had she said, "where do you want to go? costa rica? or india?".  he placed costa rica in my heart.  and now it is there and every day my love for this country grows and grows.  our love for children has only grown as we have loved and cared for our own children.  knowing them makes it impossible for me to see the suffering of children and not want to do something to minister to their pain.  in costa rica we will be able to put our hands to action and serve children that are hurting and in need of their most basic needs.

the five basic needs which we will be partnering with ROOM to provide for the orphanages in costa rica are:

  1. gospel materials.
  2. clean water
  3. food and nutrition
  4. clean living spaces
  5. personal hygiene
along with these 5 basic needs, kyle and i will be able to assess other needs that become urgent and particular for costa rica.  
afterall, we are all instructed to "look after the orphans in their distress" (james 1:27) and for us that means answering the call to move to costa rica.  to leave behind our home, our families, our jobs (well...kyle's job) and move to a different country to learn a new language, a new culture, and a gain a deeper understanding of what it means to serve.
for others, it may mean to support, through sponsorship, the work that is being done.  
i have never had a more resolute understanding of what it means to be part of the body of christ than i do right now!  the picture is so clear to me and it is beautiful in its completion.  
romans 12:5 says so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
we all work together to be the body of christ.  the job is too hard and the vision is not our own.  we have all been instructed to take care of the orphans and for each of us that means something different.  we cannot all seek to have the same job or else the body is incomplete.  the hands cannot do the work if the heart is not pumping.  the eyes cannot see if the brain is not translating the images.  we are all uniquely intertwined and connected and intrinsically important.  
there is work to be done and we can accomplish so much more together through God then we could ever dream to do alone. 

the following pictures are from the work in honduras and prayers for what i hope will be done for the children in costa rica...

this picture is of street ministry in honduras

Thanks to Dr. Hernandez, Dr. Jensy, and Dentonics of Monroe, NC, ROOM's dental program just took a huge step forward: cleaning teeth and filling cavities, good prevention for lots of orphanages here!

Another abandoned baby arrived today to the public orphanage as we were leaving


filling in nutritional gaps

repairing and creating safe living environments

this is just a portion of some of the work to be done.  the stories of abandoned children, the image of sick babies, the sheer number of children living in orphanages is heartbreaking...and although i cannot become their mother, i can show them love.  
i can stand in the gap for them.
i can hold their tiny bodies.
i can read them a story.
i can play tag.
i can take them to the doctor.
i can give them clean water and healthy food.

i can answer yes to the call to help God's children.





Friday, March 8, 2013

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...


  1. my kids praying and thanking God for each other...my heart rejoices hearing them love each other.
  2. watching harper walk down the aisle at her uncle's wedding...she took my breath away.  she is growing up so fast and she has such a beautiful soul.
  3. my mom and dad taking the boys to a movie.  they had such an awesome time and it was great that they were able to have some "boy's only" time.
  4. kyle's mom and dad coming to the rescue and keeping a sickly finley so that i could go to the wedding.  
  5. getting caught up on laundry.  
  6. harper and finley sleeping on the floor together in my room.
  7. calvary learning more and more how to have self-control and learning the value of being kind to others. 
  8. our church's new move! exciting times ahead!
  9. going to book stores with my kids...they love books!
  10. finley becoming more and more expressive with her words and body language.  she is really ridiculous.
  11. seeing how much harper and calvary have learned this year.  i was so unsure of what we were walking into this year but seeing how much they have grown and learned has helped me to become so much more confident for our future.
  12. meeting new people...exciting to meet new people and just see wonderful people living for Jesus.
  13. the bunny hat that jennifer made for little finley...it is so adorable and i cannot wait to have it in hand and then on finley's head :)
  14. my kids excitement for learning spanish...calvary has asked to have a notebook so that he can fill it with all his new words he is learning...they are constantly asking me how to say different phrases (some are more useful phrases than others).  i am so glad that i have the opportunity to spend more time teaching them a second language than what is allocated otherwise.
  15. learning that i have SO much to learn.  i am humbled more and more everyday by just how much i think i know versus the realization of what i actually know.  this is true for all areas of my life; spiritually, emotionally, academically, and inter-personally ...
  16. week 2 of the new expectation and reward system and, minus a few setbacks earlier this week, the kids are still going strong and their rooms and areas have never been so consistently clean with such little effort on my part!  i am still choosing to rejoice in this victory and praying for continued success in the future...
  17. jesus calling devotional...we have been using this devotional in our bible time in the morning and harper and calvary are really responding to the text as well as learning how to find the scriptures in the bible.  finley is totally unimpressed and usually spends this time rolling around on the couch and poking oliver jack in the eye.  oliver jack tries to be interested but usually he is more entertained by finley rolling around and poking him in the eye...
  18. finley eating more vegetables and fruit...by no means is she a "healthy eater" but she is SO much more willing to try things than she ever has before...and she actually enjoys some of it too!  
  19. kyle and finley's shared love of all things peanuts.  
  20. how cute kyle was playing and planning for david's wedding...

Friday, March 1, 2013

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...


  1. cuddly little babies (or not so little) in my bed.
  2. former students contacting me and thinking of me...means more than they could possibly know.
  3. phone calls from my children...i am trying to instill in them at a very young age that i want them to call me when they are not home...maybe it will help it not be so weird when they are older?
  4. hearing calvary read to his brother and sister.
  5. finley calling oliver jack her "little brother" because calvary is her "big brother".
  6. kyle not having to work this weekend...boo to weekends where he works.
  7. shopping trips with my girls.
  8. buying harper a pretty dress that she just loved...we don't buy too many clothes but it was just so sweet to see her love it and then want it...but still not expect it...it was sweet.  i loved it.
  9. taking oliver jack on a date.
  10. how they love getting hot chocolate at starbucks as part of the fun outings.
  11. running with dalila...otherwise i may just die.
  12. eating grapefruit for breakfast.
  13. using finley's naptime as my "office hours"...i have officially taken this time and use it for bible time, emailing, and the occasional shower...love it.
  14. oliver jack loving on me.
  15. playing candy land with the kids and having to use lego men or sour patch kids as the pieces because we lost all the real pieces.
  16. finley putting her hands on her hips with a look of shock and disgust when something really takes her off guard.
  17. calvary dressing finley up so that she can be ready for the ball.
  18. our new chore/discipline system...so far it is working...we will rejoice in that !
  19. continued hope for my brother...so grateful for the change i see on the horizon
  20. my little brother and jessica's awesome news of health!

Monday, February 18, 2013

growing...

this year has been quite a year.  between feeling helpless because the well-being of our oldest son felt threatened and between feeling helpless because of financial hardships caused by so many things but mostly the expenses related to having a child with special needs we have really felt the pressure of the vice of life.
every hardship has tested my faith in a new (and not exciting) way.  in the beginning i felt like i was simply trying to put my "faith" face on and scare the fear out of myself.  hoping that my faith would sustain me...not in whom my faith rested...but my actual faith.  i turned my faith into an idol.  weird.
i am still trying to figure that one out but it kind of reminds me of a person keeping a rabbit's foot in their pocket, searching for 4 leaf clovers, or putting a horse's shoe over the doorway.  my faith became all of these things for me.  i guess i will put faith in quotation marks from here on out when i write about it in reference to this situation because it wasn't real faith at all..."faith" was a clover.  the cross was belittled to nothing more than a trinket of superstition.  i hoped that my "faith" would keep me from any more hardship...that my "faith" would hold me afloat...or that if i could just have enough "faith" then i would lead a long a trouble free life.
when i re-think the days of calvary's evaluation and, specifically, the day we chose to medicate him i realize just how weak my true faith had been.  i just let the storm blow me away.
i am so grateful for being surrounded by people that ushered me right back to Jesus. i have learned so much through the faith lives of others....i have watched people weather times that are far tougher than my own storms with far more grace and what i have learned the most from my own experience and the experience of observation of others is that without true faith that God is in control of our lives we will not have the strength to weather many storms.
"for we walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"for the things which are seen are temporal and the things which are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:18.
in the midst of these trials this year two wonderful realizations have come into my life and into my heart of which i am quite certain i would have never experienced if it had not been such a challenging path:
1. my husband and i are undoubtedly suited for each other and i am unbelievably grateful for him and his heart.
2. the realization of what true faith is...i have learned what an act of discipline it is to choose faith over fear. not because my faith is bigger than my fear but because my God, in whom i have faith, is bigger than my fear.
with these two lessons i believe God has been shaping my husband and i to be prepared for anything...
i am learning what it means to trust Him with what i love most in this world; i am learning to trust God's provision...
the strange part is that when we began to see a light at the end of our tunnel i started to fear leaving the comfort of His shadow. i felt like a baby bird reluctant to leave the nest...i was worried that the character traits that have been refined over the past years would be lost once i no longer "needed" them. but, once again, dear friends reminded me that it is for such a time as this that we have gained our tools...2 Timothy 3:14-17 "but as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from who you have learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
the trials in our lives are not meant to keep us held down or held back but meant to "fully equip" us for the work that is ahead...allowing myself to be afraid of stepping out in faith reminds me of the Israelites longing for the slavery of Egypt instead of suffering in the dessert and trusting that God had a plan for their time in that dessert. i know it is silly of them to choose slavery and i think how crazy they were not to trust God...yet, at every step i see more and more how very much parallel my experience is at the microcosmic level...
i am thankful for His patience with me because i am such a slow learner.
i know that i have so much more growth ahead and that is both exciting and terrifying; growth is not always easy (as evidenced by these past two years) but i would rather be growing in The Lord rather hiding in my fear or resting in my ignorance...

"...I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin" (Psalm 84:10)

after all, this life is truly such a sweet gift...

Monday, February 11, 2013

monday's musings...

...'cause i forgot on friday.
things i am loving about this week:

  1. washing produce when i get home from the grocery store and putting it in the refrigerator or nice little reusable storage containers.  i don't know why...it just make me happy.
  2. kyle and the kids working to fold the mountain of laundry i have been avoiding all week.
  3. harper and merriwether exchanging letters in the mail.
  4. getting to have a lunch with my sister-in-law during the week. 
  5. my kids having someone praise their behavior...i wish people understood what a boost it is for their character and motivation it is for them to hear positive feedback.  i asked the lady if she would repeat what she said to me to the kids because i make them take responsibility for their poor choices and i only think it is right if they get to take responsibility for their good ones as well...
  6. sarah's bridal shower...loved having a chance to celebrate the upcoming wedding of this awesome couple as well as feeling so grateful to be where we are with this awesome family....such a testimony of God's faithfulness and i am always humbled by it.
  7. little harper.  she is just so amazing.  smart, funny, compassionate, and generous....i see a million ways throughout the week.
  8. hearing myself say things that i should never have to say such as, "harper, please do not eat out of the trashcan."  "why are you scratching your tongue?" "it is time for bed; not for riding your brother like a horse!" "please don't play with that lizard's eye ball."  
  9. lecturing my kids and suddenly having flashbacks to lectures with my father...he always had a way of saying things that were just too funny and made us laugh and all the while he was being serious.  kyle just looks at me and tries not to laugh and then the kids just lose it...
  10. our church offering a gluten free option for communion...what a gift it is to be a part of the body of Christ that recognizes the needs of that body! we have several people within our church that are gluten free and our church has taken steps and then even further steps to make sure that my husband, my son, and all of our fellow gluten free people can partake in this sacrament...beautiful.
  11. hope.  hope for my brother...freedom.  i am holding fast to the beautiful testimony that is being written in his life!
  12. finding out that old and distant, but still very much loved, are having their very first baby!  (this made my day beth lake!) so very happy for you both!
  13. talking openly with calvary about asperger's.  i want him to understand what it is and how he is affected by it-- both the limitations and the areas where he will excel-- my prayer is that in understanding how he is neuro-different will be empowering and freeing...
  14. oliver jack picking out candy for each of the kids with kyle...he even knew that he couldn't get calvary sour punch straws because they were not gluten free before kyle even could check!  he pays such attention to his siblings...
  15. finley mirroring.  she is copying the people around her more and more and it is hilarious to see her perception of each of us.
  16. re-usable k-cups...good grief it is expensive to have coffee with a keurig! 
  17. writing.  sometimes i feel like i struggle with communicating my heart to people...i can be silly or i can be serious but i have a hard time accepting a compliment or transitioning a conversation to matters that are personal to my heart.  writing is liberating for me.  i can write how i feel and utilize the transparency that i crave instead of hiding behind silliness or behind mothering.  i can be real. 
  18. my wednesday afternoon runs with dalila!  it has been so awesome developing a friendship with her and i am so grateful for knowing her :)
  19. mr. levi's sweet gift of a bird house and bird feeder for our back yard.  he really does love us....way way way deep down. 
  20. focusing on the little moments that make this life so precious...

Friday, February 1, 2013

friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:


  1.  Having Bible with the kids...I love watching them think outside of themselves.
  2.  Running &; exercising...I have been wanting/needing to get back into working out but I have made so many excuses and I never have time but I really do feel SO much better when I work out. I am not doing anything impressive...just enough to get moving during the winter slow months.
  3.  Great Samaritan Methodist doing the Run for God program. It is definitely nice to have some accountability...I would without doubt still be hoping to work out if it wasn't for the shame I would have quitting :)
  4. Finley playing at the park instead of chasing me wanting to be held...
  5. Playing football with the kids.
  6.  Looking out my window and seeing Calvary and Oliver Jack huddled up "like real football players" and playing football together.
  7.  Appreciating the beauty of seeing my boys playing together.
  8.  Harper really enjoying division. Math is not her strong suit and she although she does well since it doesn't come naturally she usually fights me more on her work...but she has been really enjoying it.
  9. My kids in pajamas that actually match. They are all about picking out their own pajamas and it drives me crazy when the tops and bottoms do not match but it is a little like Christmas when they come down wearing pjs that match.
  10.  Harper taking such care of Finley.  She loves to take care of her...sometimes I have to ask her to hold back so I can have a part of her care-taking :)
  11. My new haircut.  Kimberly cut off so much and it was so exciting to have such a change and feel refreshed...although I have many moments where I do still miss my long hair.
  12. My mom and dad coming up for a visit.  
  13. They brought a baby they were watching and Finley said, "Thank you for bringing our new baby.  I love him!"  If it was that easy I am sure we would have at least 5 or six more.
  14. The women at our church.  I have been so excited to be a part of such a group of people who are so open, loving, and genuinely interested in being a part of each other's lives.  It has been a gift.  
  15. Watching Oliver Jack walk over and sweetly hug Calvary...and Calvary not push him away.  
  16. Oliver Jack's sweetness.  This boy just loves people.  He has his moments and when he is angry his go to defense is to withhold his sweetness...but even that shows me just how much he values kind words and snuggles.  
  17. Making hot tea for Harper in the morning while we do her school work.  Everyone else is usually either watching Finley's show for the day or playing so it is nice to give her something that makes her feel a bit big to comfort one of the not so positive sides of being big.  
  18. I wrote "Yay!" on one of Calvary's papers for school and he asked me if I could "write 'yay' in Spanish instead..."  I love that my kids are interested in another language and grateful that they are being raised to understand that it is a privilege to speak two languages and not a disservice.  
  19. Kyle's support.  I have been so busy lately and I feel like we have not been able to spend as much time together but he never grumbles or complains when I have to leave after dinner or meet someone on the weekend during the day.  It helps me understand how he feels leaving us each day and it helps me to be a bit more sensitive to that.
  20. Nights when the kids go straight to sleep without coming down 7 million times to kiss us, get cups of water, tell us that so-in-so is talking too loud, show us what a bear looks like wearing glasses, or inform us that Oliver Jack is giving Finley horsey rides...
  21. ...but then again...I kind of love those times too.

Friday, January 25, 2013

draw me close...

"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near"


it is almost not an exaggeration to say that this song is just a a few years younger than i am....i have heard it a million times...and yet i am singing it tonight. 
my hands are freezing cold and i am reflecting on the day and how messy the house is and how tired i am of hearing the bickering of my children and i find myself singing "draw me close to you, never let me go..."
i have spent a good bit of my life thinking.  trying.  doing.  and the crazy thing is that as much as i am trying and thinking and doing i am continuously amazed at how God fixes all of my thinking, trying, and doing. 
this hardly makes sense to me but i am writing it here anyway because i am just amazed by God.  i am amazed at how i never understand Him and then i do...and then i don't again... 
i have often thought of my pursuit of God as exactly that...a chase...a hunt...trying to catch and uncover a hidden and distant God.  in my relationship with God i see myself as the hunter.  the closer i am to finding Him the more in line my walk of faith is.  and while i know that seeking God is a biblical principle i now realize my understanding of God's response to my pursuit has been tragically flawed...

Proverbs 8:17 - I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.


Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Psalms 34:10 - The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].

Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 - Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

oh, it is biblical to seek God...i am instructed to seek God diligently, earnestly, and continually...but God is not in it for a chase.  i immediately think of the hunger games and in so many ways my perception of faith has been a last man standing mentality. 
our reward is found only if we survive the hunt. 
we will find God, if, by some strength of our own, we manage to maintain some sort of faith throughout all of the trials of life. 
this is so wrong!

he tells us over and over again that we will find him if we seek him!  he will not hide his face from me.  he has not forsaken me. 

what comfort?! 
and when i look back through my life i see evidence of it all.  i see evidence of his hand orchestrating these huge moments in my life and i realize that all the while i feel like i am seeking him it is truly His hand that has been guiding me all the while. 
He hasn't been hiding behind trees or lurking in shadows.  He has lovingly and gently been pulling me forward...
i read the perfect image for this in the book i have been currently reading called Families Where Grace is Place: Building a Home free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame...long title...but i probably wouldn't have read it if it were just for the first part of the title...but the idea of building a home where my children are taught and modeled faith free of manipulation, legalism, and shame really captured the core of my heart. 
relatively early on in the book vanvonderen clarifies the definition of "spirit filled" with the image that has remained present in my thoughts for a few weeks now...
"it is not the wind in the sail that propels the boat--the boat is not pressured forward from behind.  in fact, the wind creates a negative pressure--a vacuum--in front of the sail.  this vacuum is the force that attracts the boat forward. so being filled with the spirit does not mean being power-driven through the christian life, as if the Holy Spirit were a locomotive-wind behind us.  rather, it means being drawn into godly living by the Holy Spirit, who is in front of us, focusing us on God. i guess God knows about physics too" (81). 

this truly transformed how i have viewed God. 
instead of seeking God for the wind that pushes me into the right path, seeking God becomes something so much more graceful and gentle.  it becomes more about the "be still and know..." faith instead of the chaotic rabbit chase of faith that i have been participating in most of my life.  i am not good at being out of control.  i want to lead the ship but there is something so beautiful about surrendering to His pull...

and that is why my heart is singing "draw me close to you...never let me go...i lay it all down again...to hear you say that i'm your friend...YOU'RE ALL I WANT...YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED..."