growing...

this year has been quite a year.  between feeling helpless because the well-being of our oldest son felt threatened and between feeling helpless because of financial hardships caused by so many things but mostly the expenses related to having a child with special needs we have really felt the pressure of the vice of life.
every hardship has tested my faith in a new (and not exciting) way.  in the beginning i felt like i was simply trying to put my "faith" face on and scare the fear out of myself.  hoping that my faith would sustain me...not in whom my faith rested...but my actual faith.  i turned my faith into an idol.  weird.
i am still trying to figure that one out but it kind of reminds me of a person keeping a rabbit's foot in their pocket, searching for 4 leaf clovers, or putting a horse's shoe over the doorway.  my faith became all of these things for me.  i guess i will put faith in quotation marks from here on out when i write about it in reference to this situation because it wasn't real faith at all..."faith" was a clover.  the cross was belittled to nothing more than a trinket of superstition.  i hoped that my "faith" would keep me from any more hardship...that my "faith" would hold me afloat...or that if i could just have enough "faith" then i would lead a long a trouble free life.
when i re-think the days of calvary's evaluation and, specifically, the day we chose to medicate him i realize just how weak my true faith had been.  i just let the storm blow me away.
i am so grateful for being surrounded by people that ushered me right back to Jesus. i have learned so much through the faith lives of others....i have watched people weather times that are far tougher than my own storms with far more grace and what i have learned the most from my own experience and the experience of observation of others is that without true faith that God is in control of our lives we will not have the strength to weather many storms.
"for we walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"for the things which are seen are temporal and the things which are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:18.
in the midst of these trials this year two wonderful realizations have come into my life and into my heart of which i am quite certain i would have never experienced if it had not been such a challenging path:
1. my husband and i are undoubtedly suited for each other and i am unbelievably grateful for him and his heart.
2. the realization of what true faith is...i have learned what an act of discipline it is to choose faith over fear. not because my faith is bigger than my fear but because my God, in whom i have faith, is bigger than my fear.
with these two lessons i believe God has been shaping my husband and i to be prepared for anything...
i am learning what it means to trust Him with what i love most in this world; i am learning to trust God's provision...
the strange part is that when we began to see a light at the end of our tunnel i started to fear leaving the comfort of His shadow. i felt like a baby bird reluctant to leave the nest...i was worried that the character traits that have been refined over the past years would be lost once i no longer "needed" them. but, once again, dear friends reminded me that it is for such a time as this that we have gained our tools...2 Timothy 3:14-17 "but as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from who you have learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
the trials in our lives are not meant to keep us held down or held back but meant to "fully equip" us for the work that is ahead...allowing myself to be afraid of stepping out in faith reminds me of the Israelites longing for the slavery of Egypt instead of suffering in the dessert and trusting that God had a plan for their time in that dessert. i know it is silly of them to choose slavery and i think how crazy they were not to trust God...yet, at every step i see more and more how very much parallel my experience is at the microcosmic level...
i am thankful for His patience with me because i am such a slow learner.
i know that i have so much more growth ahead and that is both exciting and terrifying; growth is not always easy (as evidenced by these past two years) but i would rather be growing in The Lord rather hiding in my fear or resting in my ignorance...

"...I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin" (Psalm 84:10)

after all, this life is truly such a sweet gift...

monday's musings...

...'cause i forgot on friday.
things i am loving about this week:

1. washing produce when i get home from the grocery store and putting it in the refrigerator or nice little reusable storage containers.  i don't know why...it just make me happy.
2. kyle and the kids working to fold the mountain of laundry i have been avoiding all week.
3. harper and merriwether exchanging letters in the mail.
4. getting to have a lunch with my sister-in-law during the week. 
5. my kids having someone praise their behavior...i wish people understood what a boost it is for their character and motivation it is for them to hear positive feedback.  i asked the lady if she would repeat what she said to me to the kids because i make them take responsibility for their poor choices and i only think it is right if they get to take responsibility for their good ones as well...
6. sarah's bridal shower...loved having a chance to celebrate the upcoming wedding of this awesome couple as well as feeling so grateful to be where we are with this awesome family....such a testimony of God's faithfulness and i am always humbled by it.
7. little harper.  she is just so amazing.  smart, funny, compassionate, and generous....i see a million ways throughout the week.
8. hearing myself say things that i should never have to say such as, "harper, please do not eat out of the trashcan."  "why are you scratching your tongue?" "it is time for bed; not for riding your brother like a horse!" "please don't play with that lizard's eye ball."  
9. lecturing my kids and suddenly having flashbacks to lectures with my father...he always had a way of saying things that were just too funny and made us laugh and all the while he was being serious.  kyle just looks at me and tries not to laugh and then the kids just lose it...
10. our church offering a gluten free option for communion...what a gift it is to be a part of the body of Christ that recognizes the needs of that body! we have several people within our church that are gluten free and our church has taken steps and then even further steps to make sure that my husband, my son, and all of our fellow gluten free people can partake in this sacrament...beautiful.
11. hope.  hope for my brother...freedom.  i am holding fast to the beautiful testimony that is being written in his life!
12. finding out that old and distant, but still very much loved, are having their very first baby!  (this made my day beth lake!) so very happy for you both!
13. talking openly with calvary about asperger's.  i want him to understand what it is and how he is affected by it-- both the limitations and the areas where he will excel-- my prayer is that in understanding how he is neuro-different will be empowering and freeing...
14. oliver jack picking out candy for each of the kids with kyle...he even knew that he couldn't get calvary sour punch straws because they were not gluten free before kyle even could check!  he pays such attention to his siblings...
15. finley mirroring.  she is copying the people around her more and more and it is hilarious to see her perception of each of us.
16. re-usable k-cups...good grief it is expensive to have coffee with a keurig! 
17. writing.  sometimes i feel like i struggle with communicating my heart to people...i can be silly or i can be serious but i have a hard time accepting a compliment or transitioning a conversation to matters that are personal to my heart.  writing is liberating for me.  i can write how i feel and utilize the transparency that i crave instead of hiding behind silliness or behind mothering.  i can be real. 
18. my wednesday afternoon runs with dalila!  it has been so awesome developing a friendship with her and i am so grateful for knowing her :)
19. mr. levi's sweet gift of a bird house and bird feeder for our back yard.  he really does love us....way way way deep down. 
20. focusing on the little moments that make this life so precious...

friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1.  Having Bible with the kids...I love watching them think outside of themselves.
2.  Running &; exercising...I have been wanting/needing to get back into working out but I have made so many excuses and I never have time but I really do feel SO much better when I work out. I am not doing anything impressive...just enough to get moving during the winter slow months.
3.  Great Samaritan Methodist doing the Run for God program. It is definitely nice to have some accountability...I would without doubt still be hoping to work out if it wasn't for the shame I would have quitting :)
4. Finley playing at the park instead of chasing me wanting to be held...
5. Playing football with the kids.
6.  Looking out my window and seeing Calvary and Oliver Jack huddled up "like real football players" and playing football together.
7.  Appreciating the beauty of seeing my boys playing together.
8.  Harper really enjoying division. Math is not her strong suit and she although she does well since it doesn't come naturally she usually fights me more on her work...but she has been really enjoying it.
9. My kids in pajamas that actually match. They are all about picking out their own pajamas and it drives me crazy when the tops and bottoms do not match but it is a little like Christmas when they come down wearing pjs that match.
10.  Harper taking such care of Finley.  She loves to take care of her...sometimes I have to ask her to hold back so I can have a part of her care-taking :)
11. My new haircut.  Kimberly cut off so much and it was so exciting to have such a change and feel refreshed...although I have many moments where I do still miss my long hair.
12. My mom and dad coming up for a visit.  
13. They brought a baby they were watching and Finley said, "Thank you for bringing our new baby.  I love him!"  If it was that easy I am sure we would have at least 5 or six more.
14. The women at our church.  I have been so excited to be a part of such a group of people who are so open, loving, and genuinely interested in being a part of each other's lives.  It has been a gift.  
15. Watching Oliver Jack walk over and sweetly hug Calvary...and Calvary not push him away.  
16. Oliver Jack's sweetness.  This boy just loves people.  He has his moments and when he is angry his go to defense is to withhold his sweetness...but even that shows me just how much he values kind words and snuggles.  
17. Making hot tea for Harper in the morning while we do her school work.  Everyone else is usually either watching Finley's show for the day or playing so it is nice to give her something that makes her feel a bit big to comfort one of the not so positive sides of being big.  
18. I wrote "Yay!" on one of Calvary's papers for school and he asked me if I could "write 'yay' in Spanish instead..."  I love that my kids are interested in another language and grateful that they are being raised to understand that it is a privilege to speak two languages and not a disservice.  
19. Kyle's support.  I have been so busy lately and I feel like we have not been able to spend as much time together but he never grumbles or complains when I have to leave after dinner or meet someone on the weekend during the day.  It helps me understand how he feels leaving us each day and it helps me to be a bit more sensitive to that.
20. Nights when the kids go straight to sleep without coming down 7 million times to kiss us, get cups of water, tell us that so-in-so is talking too loud, show us what a bear looks like wearing glasses, or inform us that Oliver Jack is giving Finley horsey rides...
21. ...but then again...I kind of love those times too.

draw me close...

"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near"

it is almost not an exaggeration to say that this song is just a a few years younger than i am....i have heard it a million times...and yet i am singing it tonight. 
my hands are freezing cold and i am reflecting on the day and how messy the house is and how tired i am of hearing the bickering of my children and i find myself singing "draw me close to you, never let me go..."
i have spent a good bit of my life thinking.  trying.  doing.  and the crazy thing is that as much as i am trying and thinking and doing i am continuously amazed at how God fixes all of my thinking, trying, and doing. 
this hardly makes sense to me but i am writing it here anyway because i am just amazed by God.  i am amazed at how i never understand Him and then i do...and then i don't again... 
i have often thought of my pursuit of God as exactly that...a chase...a hunt...trying to catch and uncover a hidden and distant God.  in my relationship with God i see myself as the hunter.  the closer i am to finding Him the more in line my walk of faith is.  and while i know that seeking God is a biblical principle i now realize my understanding of God's response to my pursuit has been tragically flawed...

Proverbs 8:17 - I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.


Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Psalms 34:10 - The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].

Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 - Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

oh, it is biblical to seek God...i am instructed to seek God diligently, earnestly, and continually...but God is not in it for a chase.  i immediately think of the hunger games and in so many ways my perception of faith has been a last man standing mentality. 
our reward is found only if we survive the hunt. 
we will find God, if, by some strength of our own, we manage to maintain some sort of faith throughout all of the trials of life. 
this is so wrong!

he tells us over and over again that we will find him if we seek him!  he will not hide his face from me.  he has not forsaken me. 

what comfort?! 
and when i look back through my life i see evidence of it all.  i see evidence of his hand orchestrating these huge moments in my life and i realize that all the while i feel like i am seeking him it is truly His hand that has been guiding me all the while. 
He hasn't been hiding behind trees or lurking in shadows.  He has lovingly and gently been pulling me forward...
i read the perfect image for this in the book i have been currently reading called Families Where Grace is Place: Building a Home free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame...long title...but i probably wouldn't have read it if it were just for the first part of the title...but the idea of building a home where my children are taught and modeled faith free of manipulation, legalism, and shame really captured the core of my heart. 
relatively early on in the book vanvonderen clarifies the definition of "spirit filled" with the image that has remained present in my thoughts for a few weeks now...
"it is not the wind in the sail that propels the boat--the boat is not pressured forward from behind.  in fact, the wind creates a negative pressure--a vacuum--in front of the sail.  this vacuum is the force that attracts the boat forward. so being filled with the spirit does not mean being power-driven through the christian life, as if the Holy Spirit were a locomotive-wind behind us.  rather, it means being drawn into godly living by the Holy Spirit, who is in front of us, focusing us on God. i guess God knows about physics too" (81). 

this truly transformed how i have viewed God. 
instead of seeking God for the wind that pushes me into the right path, seeking God becomes something so much more graceful and gentle.  it becomes more about the "be still and know..." faith instead of the chaotic rabbit chase of faith that i have been participating in most of my life.  i am not good at being out of control.  i want to lead the ship but there is something so beautiful about surrendering to His pull...

and that is why my heart is singing "draw me close to you...never let me go...i lay it all down again...to hear you say that i'm your friend...YOU'RE ALL I WANT...YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED..."

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. the kids made all a's on their report cards.  they have worked hard and i am proud of their efforts. 
2. clean teeth for 3 out of 4 children (finley doesn't go yet)..well water and copious amounts of candy were not victorious over their enamel...my mind is at peace...praise the Lord we do not have lots of cavities to pay for...
3. french vanilla k-cups for the keurig...yummy yummy
4. harper's book report.  she is such a writer.  love that about her.
5. running with harper.  i love that we have those few moments to walk and run and just chat by ourselves...they are far too rare.
6. at the park the other day finley was having huge issues with me not holding her and running (how dare i not run with her--i tried it...it wasn't pretty)...calvary and oliver jack were trying to comfort her and as they walked towards me, from about 100 yards away, calvary took off his coat and wrapped it around finley...i almost cried.  it was one of those beautiful, unprompted moments that make me realize that they are okay.  despite my shortcomings, they may turn out just fine.
7. oliver jack did not want to be outdone so later finley was laying on the bench covered up with both of their jackets. 
8. oliver jack reading to finley...he says, "sit right here, baby...do you like this book, baby?" in his most gentle and loving voice.
9. finley eating up all of their attention...she really is going to be a monster.
10. bad days.  no, really.  when i finally get through a day where it seems like all i have done is mediate bickering, fuss about the same messes that i feel like i fuss about all day, fear the laundry pile is soon going to be insurmountable, and trudge through a school day where no one has motivation i have a moment where i realize that this isn't my everyday.  i love that.  it helps me to be grateful for the days that i all too often let pass by without mentioning how remarkable they truly are. 
11. skype.  it is cool to talk to people who are so far away and be able to see their face and their worlds. 
12. meeting new friends. 
13. hearing calvary conspire with kyle about using his money to buy something special for me.  he is really, really stingy with his money.  he doesn't like to all of his money on anything.  gift cards are his own personal purgatory...but he is excited about buying me something.  i don't know what it is...but i am going to love it forever. 
14. calvary made all of us valentines and used his hershey kisses to tape to the back.  for each one of us he drew a picture of him and the person he was giving the valentine doing something special.  it was beautiful.  he doesn't do things like that often and somehow that makes it even more beautiful...
15. finley ate a salad the other night.  we are all still pretty schocked by that.
16. the twice baked mashed potatoes i made last night...they were pretty much heaven. 
17. the old men at wendy's the other day that just oohed and ahhed over my children.  they just kept talking about how beautiful they are and how well behaved...it made us all feel pretty good....although i can assure that no one in wal-mart stopped to express the same sentiment...
18. calvary received a letter in the mail from his friend nash.  it made his day.
19. a sweet friend from church gave us an awesome container of lincoln logs that her son has outgrown...my kids have had hours and hours of fun playing with them already! grateful that someone thought of us and shared with us...
20. getting my hair cut tomorrow!  so excited!

acceptance versus awareness...

i have heard so much talk about the difference between asperger's awareness versus asperger's acceptance and the interesting point about both is that i believe i live in a continual state of trying to navigate being aware of calvary's aspieness and accepting calvary's aspieness. 
if it is difficult for me to tread these waters i can only imagine how difficult it is for someone who is not in the trenches daily to accept the actions of a person that are completely incongruent with what our standards are.  and while it causes me deep, deep stress to see the eyes of onlookers judging me or my child in the midst of a difficult moment, i understand.
we have made tremendous strides with calvary.  we have come so far from the days of almost continual meltdowns.  i have often compared my life then to a hostage situation.  i felt like i was constantly trying to talk him down and spare the hostages.  continual is no literary hyperbole either...it was very literally a continual state in our home. 
however, i know we are beyond blessed to be where we are now.  we are learning.  calvary is learning and trying and i think a huge part of his efforts are a result of seeing so many of the people he loves learn and try as well. 
afterall, a relationship is not one sided. 
i believe that the big difference between awareness and acceptance is how much work a person is willing to put in to understand another person. 
i am aware of so many things.  i am aware of polka music, deep sea fishing, bungee jumpers and millions of other things.  but i am not at a place where i care to understand polka music, the desire to deep see fish, or the psychology behind bungee jumping--perhaps there will be a day when i meet someone who plants some seed in me where my awareness grows into more of an acceptance...but, that day is not today.
this is how it is for calvary.  i don't expect everyone to have an acceptance for my son growling, covering his eyes, or throwing himself on the floor in the middle of a store or restaurant.  i would wish for it.  i pray for it for his sake (and to be honest, sometimes my own).  but the reality is that not everyone has been touched by autism. 
i feel sad for those people...because just how i am most likely missing out on the great joys of polka music, deep sea fishing, and bungee jumping because i am too scared or judgemental of its quirkiness...many, many people are missing out on the beauty of who my son is.

we have come so far...and by we i mean our family and friends...in trying to learn and understand calvary's differences. 
it has made all the difference in the world for him. 
now, instead of being forced to constantly bend to a world that he doesn't always understand there are moments where we are bending to try and understand his world. 
i cannot imagine what a relief that must be for him.  he is only a child.  he is a child that has spent a large chunk of his 6 years of life reacting to a world that he doesn't understand and being parented as if he does or should.  the other chunk of his life he has spent trying to LEARN a world that is foreign to him.  i can only imagine what a reprieve it is for his mind to have moments where someone understands...or at least tries. 

the interesting part for me is how much i am still learning about calvary.  the minute i think i am an expert on all things aspie...i realize that i do not have a clue. 
it still boggles my mind how difficult it is for calvary to navigate this world that he sees as so chaotic.  he does so well that i forget to prepare him for a meal at a friend's house or set the timer for his class....and then...well...then...i remember. 

but it is all a learning curve.  he will be learning his whole life.  there are times where i am tired.  i am tired of trying to figure out how to help him deal with anxiety, worry about a snacks that are gluten free, remember to clearly state my expectations for every.little.thing....but then i think...i bet he is tired too.  tired of trying to understand why no one else feels overwhelmed by all of the sensory input he receives at every.single.moment, tired of not being able to eat the cupcakes that are sitting on my oven, tired of not knowing how to talk to that kid at the park with whom he desperately wants to play....and i remember that awareness and acceptance are different things--one is a continuous dance between education and compassion and the other, while nice, doesn't require much effort at all. 

i am looking forward to where calvary will be 5 years from now...and i am interested in learning how God is going to use all of this character shaping in the lives of our family and friends throughout the rest of our lives...but mostly i am just grateful.  i am grateful for the blessing that he is.  i am grateful that God trusted me enough to be one of his parents.  i am grateful that my other children have learned so much and do not show any signs of resentment towards him and the attention he receives.  i am grateful for the resources that have been available and the friends i have made. 
he really is beautiful. 

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. change.  the possibility of change.  the expectation of change.  i am just going to embrace the change that comes with this year.  this is the sermon that was taught to us the very first week of church and i have just really decided that, though i have no idea what this year may bring, i am going to live in the change and expect that where i am will be used to advance His kingdom...
2. harper and calvary cleaning their rooms after bedtime because they knew how upset i was at just how messy it was.  i knew what they were doing as i heard them shuffle around and open doors, but i loved that their heart was to please me. 
3. calvary threw a pillow yesterday in the living room and it hit a lamp.  immediately harper yelled, "JACK!" (it is to be expected from him) but calvary said with quickly and with remorse, "it was all my fault! i threw a pillow!"  my heart burst with love for him because we have been trying to teach our children their whole lives that it is more important to take responsibility for our actions then to try to appear perfect. 
4. how finley just melts into my lap or arms or wherever she is when i hold her.  no part of her fights being cuddled and loved. 
5. trying to use technology to communicate with friends.
6. having time to read.
7. using that time to read "families where grace is in place."
8. harper, calvary, and oliver jack playing monopoly together.  harper is quite the landlord. 
9. my mom and dad and sister taking the kids to go and see a movie.  so nice for them to have that time with each other.
10. kyle's dad riding with me to raliegh to get my marriage certificate.  i was planning on managing on my own and i am used to maneuvering with all 4 kids by myself but he offered and it was so nice to have an extra set of hands.  especially when we realized just how small the office of vital records actually is.
11. how great my kids did during those two days of errands and sitting. 
12. having coffee with lori.  i am just so grateful for how our friendship has grown over the years.  we started out as just being in the same couples sunday school class before they were even married....now we have 6 kids between the 4 of us and faced so many similar challenges with our two Aspie boys.
13. how much oliver jack loves to do crafts with me.
14. harper making presents for her friends.  she just has such heart to give.  her generosity and creativity are two of my most favorite qualities.
15. christy surprising me with a coke and boberry biscuits...
16. my little brother calling just to check on me.  he's such a grown up now.  granted he will be 30 in july, he still seems like my baby brother to me. 
17. oliver jack's love of babies.