friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. weekly bible study with women from my church.  it has been great to hang out, laugh, sometimes cry and through it all learn more about what it means to love God with such a diverse collection of women. 
2. finley slept in her own bed last night for the first time!  she used to sleep in her crib just fine, but we had not had a finley free evening since we transitioned her to a big bed. 
3. she came to my bed this morning at 5 am saying "we're going to have a party with dancing and ice cream?!"...i told her that if she ever slept in her own bed we would have a huge party...i guess i know what we are doing tonight :)
4. i was having a discussion with harper one morning about how she sometimes struggles with admitting that she's wrong and she tries to blame other people in a way to make an excuse for her wrong doing.  i was trying not to be too condemning so i was assuring her that i have struggled with this and so has so many other people but my hope for her is that she will learn the lessons i have learned earlier and with less hardships...to which she responded, "too bad...i want to be just like you."  (i want so much more for her than to be like me but it brings my heart joy to know that she loves me and admires me in spite of all of my shortcomings)
5. finley told me to turn my head over because she "can't see my ol' big eyes".
6. oliver jack telling me multiple times throughout the day that he loves me.
7. oliver jack's complete refusal to wear underwear.  i can't help it...it makes me laugh.
8. kyle laughing so hard that he cried when oliver jack got up from the dinner table and started dancing...kyle firmly told him it was not time to dance it was time to sit down and eat...which is when oliver jack decided to drop his pants and say, "feast your eyes!" (thanks brave)...kyle tried to keep a straight face but he couldn't...  he just looked at me and asked, "why does  it always go there with him?!"
9. calvary waking me up every morning at promptly 7:30.  he whispers, "it's 7:30."  sometimes it is nice having someone in the house with a rigid understanding of rules...other times, not so much. 
10. calvary's new therapist.  they seem to be getting along great and the doctor has been so encouraging to me.  i couldn't ask for more.
11. harper working so hard at her school work.  she gets aggravated sometimes and i have to help get her back to a place with a good attitude, but for the most part this girl can work!  we go through her lessons for the day, i teach her what needs to be taught, and then she takes her list of work and just does it. 
12. homeschooling.  i love that we have the freedom to start when we want to start and that the kids have the freedom to choose which subjects they want to start with and where they want to learn.  it truly is such an empowering way to learn.  at this point, i hope that my kids always want to homeschool...
13. hearing finley say, "is this gluten free?'
14. the warmer weather which has allowed us to be outside playing football, soccer, and riding bikes.
15. anticipating planting my garden in the spring and possibly adding some chickens...yes, chickens...i think it will be fun...no matter what mr. levi says or kyle. 

happy birthday oliver jack...

 

this boy turns 4 years old tomorrow. 

i've spent the day reflecting on the boy he is becoming and all the many, many reasons that i am sad to see this year go.  but mostly i am just so happy to have him in my life.  he plays hard to get and tries to be so tough but more than any of my children he loves to hear me tell him how proud i am of him and how brave, courageous, smart, and kind he is. 
as i tuck him in at night i often go through the list of my most favorite attributes and every time i finish he smiles so big and says, "do it again, mommy."  and i do.  mostly because he lets me kiss his cheeks as long as i am telling him how great he is in the meantime :)
no one is surprised by his antics; he is pretty renowned for his exuberant charm.  in fact, one picture that jacob took shortly before the one i used here in the blog is one where oliver jack dropped his pants.  he will stop just short of nothing to make someone laugh.  this is the side of jack that most people see. 
but the oliver jack that i have watched develop over the last year has been so tender and sweet that i feel a little like i am exposing a lot more than he did when he dropped his pants when i even mention it.  he guards his sweet side a little more but its there.    his feelings are hurt easily and he loves his brother and sisters so much. 
i have a twinge of sadness each time he says, "calvary says he wants to play with me so can you tie my shoes so i can go play?"  he is always waiting for the green light with calvary.  i love watching how they have grown so close over the past few months.  calvary went from hardly being able to be in the same room with oliver jack to relying on him as his primary playmate.  part of this i believe is because oliver jack has taught calvary how to play.  everything that is difficult for calvary is completely natural for oliver jack. 
harper is his greatest accomplice.  he is willing to do everything that harper always thinks will be super funny but knows that she shouldn't do.  oliver jack is harper without reservation.  harper cares a little more about doing what is "right" where oliver jack cares a little more about making people laugh.  if the number of people who will laugh outnumbers the people who will be mad it is without question that the deed will be done.  and he knows he can always count on harper to laugh.  it is no wonder that he cries if she is not tucked in bed beside him at night.  he loves her companionship.  most nights he doesn't say a word.  he just quietly lays in his bed beside hers while she reads.  eventually he drifts off to sleep.  other nights, the two of them conspire together to torture calvary in the neighboring room.  somehow, harper is always just over the edge of her bed and under the sheets when kyle and i arrive at their doorway leaving oliver jack with symbolically red hands in the middle of the room. i am scared to think of what antics they will come up with in the future and slightly scared to think of what all has already happened without my knowledge but beyond that i am just blissfully in love with how much they enjoy each other's friendship.
finley is his greatest fan.  she loves him.  she goes to sleep saying that she is "harper's baby" but wakes up asking for  her "jackie".  he treats her like she is made of glass and for the most part spoils her far more than any of the rest of us could ever dream.  i say "for the most part" because lately he has taken to pushing her buttons a little more.  i love watching him love her because i know that when he, one day far from now, has a wife he will treat her with precious chivalry. 
in all these ways he reminds me of my father.  i feel like i have been given such a precious gift in knowing that my son is so much like my father, whom i admire so greatly.  there is not much that could make me prouder. 
oh, oliver jack...ever since the moment you were placed on my chest only to immediately pee in my face i should have known that my life with you would be exhilarating...but for some reason i am always surprised by you...
but i am never surprised by how much i love you...i love you. 

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

i almost didn't write this list...in fact, it is technically not even friday anymore.  i just feel so sad. but i feel in that way it is much more necessary...

1. oliver jack and finley sleeping in my bed together facing each other and dreaming.  they are completely oblivious to the evil in the world and it does my heart good knowing that they are safe. 
2. betty crocker gluten free cake mix that makes it so much easier for last minute gluten free cupcake needs.
3. the birthday party that calvary is going to tomorrow.  i pray that it goes well...he is so excited that it makes me both happy and sad.
4. chicken and waffles.  i have never had it before but i saw a recipe on pinterest and i decided to try it...i was excited all day and it wasn't disappointing :)
5. kyle taking off work 2 days this week. 
6. homeschooling...so many reasons...
7. calvary telling me, "i am glad you homeschool me."
8. walking to the park...even though it was over 1.5miles one way...it was fun exploring our road and watching the kids talk to the cows and horses. 
9. finley saying, "i just love that baby cow so much."
10. collecting food for the food bank with my kids.  we have been so blessed...and i don't say that in a way that insinuates that we have so much but actually to say that we have been given and provided for in ways that we could never have done so on our own that i am just so overwhelmed with gratitude that my heart just desires to bless others. 
11. gifts that remind me that God is going to take care of us. 
12. finley crying this morning as she woke up because kyle's back was to her and she cryingly said, "daddy! i can't see your big ol' face."
13. oliver jack crying for me when he was hurt and i was grocery shopping with harper.  he plays coy with me but moments like this remind me that he loves me.
14. grocery shopping with harper. 
15. calvary styling his hair.

Lord, i just pray for those families...what was taken from them today... i have no way of comprehending how to deal with such a loss...i pray for peace.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. oliver jack dressing finley.  he is so sweet as he puts her shoes on and picks out (absurd) clothes for her to wear.  with each item she puts on she looks at him and asks, "do i look pretty?"...to which he replies, "always".  melt my heart...
2. elf on the shelf antics.
3. my weekly bible study.  i love having a chance to get out of the house and spend some time with other women who are in the trenches...whatever their trenches may be (work, family, motherhood) it is refreshing to have a few moments/hours to remember that the world really isn't on my shoulders.
4.  harper saving money and being really excited about a purchase she is making rather than blowing it all on candy...like i do.
5. candy.
6. oliver jack snuggles.  he was always the sweetest little baby and now, as he nears his 4th birthday, i am seeing him finally slow down enough to give me a glimpse of that sweetness that once was.
7. calvary giving harper the last .23 cents that she needed to buy the beloved cupcake maker without any prompting from anyone else...moments of thoughtfulness like this are very rare for him...not an area of strength for most people with asperger's
8. not having as much disposable income...no really...sometimes i hate it...but this week i am loving that i am having to be more creative with gift giving as well as focus on what really matters.  we really have so much...and even though i wish i could give each of my kids everything that they want, i know that they are in homes filled with love and have all of their needs met.  there are many, many children that desperately want what i have provided. 
9. making my children happy with silly christmas activities.
10. calvary being invited to a birthday party for his best friend from kindergarten.  i think it will do his little heart such good to know that he has not been forgotten...
11. harper's friend bria...she is quirky and smart...so much like harper...just a little more of a tomboy.
12. the break from gymnastics and tae kwon do...it has been nice not having to rush from dinner to activity and break up our evenings with kyle.
13. kyle taking it upon himself to create and execute an elf on the shelf antic...he loves watching them laugh.
14. pulling into the garage last night, kyle greeted us at the door.  upon seeing his face finley started screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!".  she just couldn't wait to get out of the seat and into her daddy's arms. 
15. upcoming christmas break.  i am so excited about not having to do lesson plans or worry about quizzes and tests.
16. i thought last night how grateful i am to have a husband that not only supports me staying at home and educating our children but also assists me in any way that he possibly can.  i am not sure it would make sense financially for me to work seeing how i would have to find daycare and after school care for 4 children...but he carries a heavy load.  financially providing for our family is something that i am quite sure he thinks of multiple times a day. 
17. i am so in love with kyle.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. camp fires in our backyard with our nieces and our kids' aunt and uncle :) (this just happened moments ago so it is fresh on my mind)
2. meaningful conversations
3. finding the members of our nativity rearranged in interesting locations...right now mary is getting kind of cozy with the shepherd.
4. oliver jack reading his very first two words through sounding out the letters!  he has been working hard in his lessons for three days now and we are so proud of him...
5. getting some new contacts...sounds petty...but i loathe my glasses!
6. messages from friends because they have found something with a mustache on it and it has made them think of harper.
7. people growing mustaches for harper as a christmas present.
8. how much harper loves that people are growing a mustache for her as a present...it is really weird...but it will be something she remembers forever and she will feel oh so loved...
9. giant coke's from mcdonald's. 
10. coffee
11. my house decorated for christmastime.
12. the anticipation of the arrival of our elf Holly Day.
13. trying to think of meaningful presents for people.
14. watching my children make gifts for people and put so much thought into each person as they make their gifts.  they truly aren't much but i am blown away by how much thought, effort, and time they put into each gift. 
15. jade.  i am proud of the girl she is becoming and praying that she will stay strong in this really hard world.
16. having three different homes in which to celebrate thanksgiving.  it is always a whirlwind time for us but i am so grateful to have so much family surrounding us and wanting us to be a part of their celebration. 
17. having merriwether come over to our house to spend the night...harper loves her so and i think the boys think she's pretty cool too...and of course i love her too.
18. oliver jack flashing the camera when jacob took his picture.  i actually have a love/hate relationship with this because i was completely mortified but also completely amazed that he would think of something so crazy.  he truly lives to make people laugh.  our problem is that we laugh a little too often at the wrong things.
19. having coffee with lori.  we don't do it often but i always relish the time i have to spend with another aspie mama :)
20. my husband's sweet spirit.  he loves us so much and wants to just spend time with us.  he doesn't want to simply fill time with activities and events to pass the days away until his next work day but he wants to just relish the moments he has.  i love that about him. 

Holidays and Asperger's

one of the groups for mother's with children with asd posted this letter a little while ago and i have thought about it several times since i first read it.  i have mostly thought about it because i have anticipated with nervousness all of the activities that the holidays bring and the behavior that often comes as a sidekick for my oldest son.  i have conflicting emotions about my expectations for calvary's behavior because part of me understands why things are difficult and the other part of me just wants him to behave...you know...to say please and thank you, to not growl and throw himself on the floor at the mere sight of his plate, or mostly just display "common courtesy" to those around.  but sometimes "common courtesy" is far from calvary's concept of common and far from what he is able to access in moments that are created by the excitement and newness of the holidays. 
this letter so perfectly puts into words the experience for calvary that i just thought i would share it here.  so much of calvary's success has been rooted in his work at understanding the world around him AND the people around him working to understand him. 
this letter is written and i am including it here with permission by Viki Gayhardt in the perspective of someone with asd.   her website
 

Dear Family and Friends:
I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays this year! Sometimes these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information that might help our visit to be more successful. As you probably know, a hidden disability called autism, or what some people refer to as a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), challenges me. Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopment disorder, which makes it hard for me to understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can’t see, but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the roughest holidays for me. With large crowds and holiday shopping, it can be very overwhelming, even a bit scary. When planning a party, remember that with my oversensitive hearing and eye sight, Christmas trees and holiday smells can cause me mild to severe pain or discomfort. If the noises are impossible to control, a personal stereo with headphones set to a safe level for children may help drown out background noise and ease my discomfort.
Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. People with autism have different abilities: some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or they may have difficulty making friends. We are all different and need various degrees of support.
Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want to run away. I get easily frustrated, too. Being with lots of other people is like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time. This is why I need to have things the same as much as possible. Once I learn how things happen, I can get by. But if something - anything - changes, then I have to relearn the situation all over again! It is very hard.
When you try to talk to me, I often can’t understand what you say because there are a lot of distractions. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and understand one thing at a time. You might think I am ignoring you — I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and unsure of what is the most important thing to respond to.
Holidays are exceptionally hard because there are so many different people, places, and things going on that are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people, but for me, it’s very hard work and can be extremely stressful. I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It would be great if you had a private place set up to where I could retreat.
If I cannot sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaving or that my parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even five minutes is often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells, sounds, and people — I just have to get up and move about. Please don’t hold up your meal for me — go on without me, and my parents will handle the situation the best way they know how.

Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory processing disorder, it’s no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses involved with eating AND all the complicated mechanics that are involved. Chewing and swallowing is something that a lot of people with autism have trouble with. I am not being picky — I literally cannot eat certain foods since my sensory system and/or oral motor coordination is impaired.
Don’t be disappointed if Mom hasn’t dressed me in starch and bows. It’s because she knows how much stiff and frilly clothes can drive me buggy! I have to feel comfortable in my clothes or I will just be miserable.
When I go to someone else’s house, I may appear bossy and controlling. In a sense, I am being controlling, because that is how I try to fit into the world around me (which is so hard to figure out!) Things have to be done in a way I am familiar with or else I might get confused and frustrated. It doesn’t mean you have to change the way you are doing things — just please be patient with me and understanding of how I have to cope. Mom and Dad have no control over how my autism makes me feel inside.
People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves feel more comfortable. The grown-ups call it “self-regulation,” or “stimming.’ I might rock, hum, flick my fingers, or any number of different things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. I am doing what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world. Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking, singing, or doing an activity I enjoy. The grown-ups call this “perseverating” which is similar to self-regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy myself that makes me feel comfortable. Perseverative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm down.
Please be respectful to my Mom and Dad if they let me “stim” for a while, as they know me best and what helps to calm me. Remember that my Mom and Dad have to watch me much more closely than the average child. This is for my own safety and to protect your home and possessions. It hurts my parents’ feelings to be criticized for being over-protective or condemned for not watching me closely enough. They are human and have been given an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your support.
During the holidays, the average household is turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for you, but it’s very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act out in a way that you consider socially inappropriate, please remember that I don’t possess the neurological system that is required to follow some social rules. I am a unique person — an interesting person. I will find my place at this celebration that is comfortable for us all, as long as you’ll try to view the world through my eyes!
written by Viki Gayhardt — singer, songwriter, and parent of two children with autism

fridays musings...

 here are the things i am loving about this week...

1. when the kids come to my room in the morning they hand me my glasses and slippers.  it is like having a really well trained dog. :)
2. calvary has just discovered his love of recreational reading...be still my heart.
3. wednesday. it is the only day throughout the week that we do not have something going on during the evening. 
4. fort building.
5. calvary and harper sleeping in the fort together.  many things make my heart swoon with this one...calvary broke the OCD tendency to need to sleep in his own bed despite whatever fun may be available.  and on top of that he invited harper AND oliver jack to join him.  oliver jack just couldn't make it :)
6. homeschooling.  i love basically every aspect of it.  we are in the honeymoon phase i believe but right now the kids are growing closer, we are staying busy, and overall life is positive and happy.
7. teaching bible to my kids.
8. hearing my children pray.
9. my kids doing chores in the morning. 
10. watching finley and oliver jack make up their beds.  so funny.  they stand on their beds and pull the covers up to the pillow as hard as they can.  it reminds me that they are still so small.
11. oliver jack and calvary being "best buds".  i never thought they would be able to play together like they are now.  such a wonderful place to be.
12. kyle missing us while he is at work.  i am so loving that i married a man that wants to be home with his family.
13. my new christmas plates and cups. 
14. oliver jack loving vegetable soup and telling me that i "make the best hobo soup"....thanks?
15. instagram...i love taking pictures, being inspired by other pictures, and mostly the overall positive vibe that the people i see radiate...i know that there are negative corners, but it is so much less whiney then other social networks.
16. hearing finley identify shapes.  all of sudden this week she started identifying hearts, ovals, hexagons, triangles, and circles....she is harper's greatest student ;)
17. my friend's children...we became friends because our children were in kindergarten together and the added bonus is that our children have become fast friends. 
18. peppermint sticks covered in chocolate...yum.
19. having tea parties with my children and using the tea set that was my granny's.  every time i bring the pieces out my mind floods with images of thanksgivings and christmases past.  it makes me miss her but in a happy, warm way.  i know it makes my children remember her as well...maybe one day they will be using these tea cups with their children and retelling the stories i've told. 
20. being reminded why i blog.  i am loving that i remembered that my goal for this blog was to preserve the moments of our life for us.  the everyday....the beautiful...and the not so beautiful.  i want my children to remember just how sweet life has been...