disney dilemma

if i am going to be honest i have to admit that i have some reservations about our upcoming trip.  we haven't taken a vacation like this since calvary has been alive.  we have gone to the beach every year and, as i have mentioned before, the water is the best form of therapy for calvary.  we have taken a day trip to carowinds and while he enjoyed himself there were quite a few moments of tension and intensity.  he lost his voice from screaming and he had a difficult time winding down after we got home...he remained "on edge" for several hours afterwards. 
and while all of this makes me a little nervous the biggest concern i have is the battle calvary has been fighting much more obviously to outsiders lately...i say more obvious to outsiders because i am not sure he hasn't always struggled with this but the medication has really helped calvary have more distinguishable emotions.  before the medication all of his emotions were filtered through anger.  if he was excited, he would seem angry.  if he was sad, he would seem angry.  if he was hurt, he would seem angry.  but ever since he has been on his medication i have seen calvary show emotions other than anger.  he cried one night because i was leaving to have coffee with lori.  usually he would just act mad at me and growl and frown. 
anyway, the interesting effect has been that i have now started to realize that calvary really struggles with what he wants to do versus what he can do. 
i don't mean "can" as in his physical ability...i mean "can" as in what he will allow himself to do. 
it is heartbreaking to watch him want so much to do something that he knows is supposed to be fun but his inability to handle change or his almost OCD tendencies keeps him from allowing those things to happen. 
i have seen it much more clearly ever since we have started medicating him and it really helps me understand that this conflict has been the root of so much of his anger in the past.  before we wouldn't be able to deal with the conflict because we were too focused on dealing with the effect of the conflict.  our efforts had to be focused on calming him down. 
as annoying as it is to see your child be angry all of the time it becomes almost more heartbreaking than i can handle to see him cry without anger for basically the first time in his life. 
i have seen harper, oliver jack, and finley all be sad...but calvary has really disguised his sadness with anger for his whole life. 
that being said, he hasn't been overly sad.  he has had moments of appropriate sadness.  we just aren't used to it. 
anyway, back to disney...
i am concerned that calvary is going to have a very difficult time between seeing all of this fun stuff that he wants to do and not being able to let himself do it. 
all of this is bound to work itself up into a meltdown of epic proportions. 
and disney is supposed to be fun...
obviously this has not happened and i know that this is one of those worrisome moments that i just need to give over to the One who can control it instead of fearing my inability to control....but....that is always easier said than done.
i am thankful that we are going...i just want it to be a wonderful trip full of happy memories...without being overshadowed with any negativity. 
they are all SO excited. 

kindergarten

first grade

second grade

look how little...no finley, baby jack, blondie calvary...

beginning and end...

each year i like to try and get a first day of school and last day of school picture taken of the kids in the same outfit the day they wore on the first day.  it makes the differences so much more noticeable to me...and although i messed up on the shirt for calvary (i totally should have looked at the pictures for clarity) it is obvious that so much has changed this year...

Last days...

ballet's end of year...

harper has had a committed love for ballet since she was only 3 years old.  every year i love watching her love for ballet grow.  her biggest inspiration for this year was to improve enough to move up to ballet 1 so that she could audition for a part in the production of the nutcracker. 

with 4 children we have made it quite clear that they can choose one, and only one, extracurricular activity in which to be involved.  harper has seamlessly given up soccer and her fleeting thoughts to pursue gymnastics. 

i wonder if it will change for her...or if she will always be hopelessly in love with ballet. 

she has a natural grace about her that is not born of me.  she has to work harder than some at stretching. i contributed her lack of flexibility; you're welcome birdie...but she works.  she is always stretching and leaping and tonduing and portabraing...

as i drove her to her final class of the year i tried to prepare her for the possibility that she may not be moved up to the next level.  i told her that if, because she was still so young, they wanted to keep her at the same level we could possibly look into a dance school closer to home.  we drive 30 minutes to her current class.  she just looked at me and said, "i really want to dance in the nutcracker".

we had her evaluation at the end of her final class and mrs. wheeless praised her passion and knowledge.  she praised her technique and effort.  she praised her sweet spirit and obedience.  she told her that she needs to work on her focus in class...

all the while harper hung on every word.  with each positive note, her eyes would light up.  with each criticism, her face would grow worried and serious.  but at the end mrs. wheeless confirmed that harper would indeed be moving up to the next level! 

we are so proud of her.

she has been so dedicated and worked so hard and i am just so happy that she is going to see that all of that work pays off...

looking bored :)

i love that they are lined up according to size; my tiny ballerina is always at the end :)

Her role model happens to be crazy...

Finley has recently started copying everything Oliver Jack does. From sword fighting to playing in the baby pool in their pjs, Finley does whatever he does. Oliver Jack has an inability to wear any clothes besides cozy clothes. He always strips down the minute we are inside the house and puts on tank tops and shorts sans underpants. So recently Finley has decided she is also going to refuse to wear clothes. Oliver Jack collaborated on her efforts by providing a tank top and helping to remove her shoes.
I'm not sure the world (or better yet me) can handle 2 Oliver Jacks.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. harper's handmade gifts and cards.  she made me the sweetest mother's day gifts all on her own.  she also made calvary a paper ninja with movable arms and legs...
2. harper's creativity.
3. finley playing sword fighting with oliver jack.
4. oliver jack pretending to be a zombie.
5. finley pretending to be a zombie. (i have no clue how either of them know about zombies)
6. calvary's love for his teacher...although it makes me sad how hard it is for him to transition out of kindergarten.
7. finley hanging from the bar at the park with those enormous cheeks squished together.
8. oliver jack and finley at the fountain.
9. summer break is almost here!
10. harper helping calvary carry in his flowers for his teachers.
11. calvary's much more frequent use of his words to express his feelings since using medication.
12. my hydrangeas.
13. the blueberry bush that my mom bought for me for mother's day.
14. how simple it is to entertain little children...a fountain and a few pennies causes contagious joy.
15. getting at the park so early that no one else is still there...and the dew is still all over the slides...
16. playing anyway.
17. calvary playing in the sand at the park...building tunnels and roads for his truck.
18. hearing my children tell me that they love me.
19. watching dennis the menace (1959) and laughing at how similar oliver jack is to dennis...
20. ...and mr. levi is to mr. wilson.
21. cleaning out my garage.
22. harper hugging me so tightly before bed.
23. kyle's steadfastness...he keeps me grounded :)

calvary at the park

harper's paper ninja for calvary

happy babies and a fountain

lots of cheeks