Last days...

ballet's end of year...

harper has had a committed love for ballet since she was only 3 years old.  every year i love watching her love for ballet grow.  her biggest inspiration for this year was to improve enough to move up to ballet 1 so that she could audition for a part in the production of the nutcracker. 

with 4 children we have made it quite clear that they can choose one, and only one, extracurricular activity in which to be involved.  harper has seamlessly given up soccer and her fleeting thoughts to pursue gymnastics. 

i wonder if it will change for her...or if she will always be hopelessly in love with ballet. 

she has a natural grace about her that is not born of me.  she has to work harder than some at stretching. i contributed her lack of flexibility; you're welcome birdie...but she works.  she is always stretching and leaping and tonduing and portabraing...

as i drove her to her final class of the year i tried to prepare her for the possibility that she may not be moved up to the next level.  i told her that if, because she was still so young, they wanted to keep her at the same level we could possibly look into a dance school closer to home.  we drive 30 minutes to her current class.  she just looked at me and said, "i really want to dance in the nutcracker".

we had her evaluation at the end of her final class and mrs. wheeless praised her passion and knowledge.  she praised her technique and effort.  she praised her sweet spirit and obedience.  she told her that she needs to work on her focus in class...

all the while harper hung on every word.  with each positive note, her eyes would light up.  with each criticism, her face would grow worried and serious.  but at the end mrs. wheeless confirmed that harper would indeed be moving up to the next level! 

we are so proud of her.

she has been so dedicated and worked so hard and i am just so happy that she is going to see that all of that work pays off...

looking bored :)

i love that they are lined up according to size; my tiny ballerina is always at the end :)

Her role model happens to be crazy...

Finley has recently started copying everything Oliver Jack does. From sword fighting to playing in the baby pool in their pjs, Finley does whatever he does. Oliver Jack has an inability to wear any clothes besides cozy clothes. He always strips down the minute we are inside the house and puts on tank tops and shorts sans underpants. So recently Finley has decided she is also going to refuse to wear clothes. Oliver Jack collaborated on her efforts by providing a tank top and helping to remove her shoes.
I'm not sure the world (or better yet me) can handle 2 Oliver Jacks.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. harper's handmade gifts and cards.  she made me the sweetest mother's day gifts all on her own.  she also made calvary a paper ninja with movable arms and legs...
2. harper's creativity.
3. finley playing sword fighting with oliver jack.
4. oliver jack pretending to be a zombie.
5. finley pretending to be a zombie. (i have no clue how either of them know about zombies)
6. calvary's love for his teacher...although it makes me sad how hard it is for him to transition out of kindergarten.
7. finley hanging from the bar at the park with those enormous cheeks squished together.
8. oliver jack and finley at the fountain.
9. summer break is almost here!
10. harper helping calvary carry in his flowers for his teachers.
11. calvary's much more frequent use of his words to express his feelings since using medication.
12. my hydrangeas.
13. the blueberry bush that my mom bought for me for mother's day.
14. how simple it is to entertain little children...a fountain and a few pennies causes contagious joy.
15. getting at the park so early that no one else is still there...and the dew is still all over the slides...
16. playing anyway.
17. calvary playing in the sand at the park...building tunnels and roads for his truck.
18. hearing my children tell me that they love me.
19. watching dennis the menace (1959) and laughing at how similar oliver jack is to dennis...
20. ...and mr. levi is to mr. wilson.
21. cleaning out my garage.
22. harper hugging me so tightly before bed.
23. kyle's steadfastness...he keeps me grounded :)

calvary at the park

harper's paper ninja for calvary

happy babies and a fountain

lots of cheeks

Happier...

being content...

Philippians 4: 11-13
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

i have been working, and i do mean working, diligently at maintaining a thankful heart over the past few days.  it is amazing how much concentrating on how much i have to be thankful for renews my faith and confidence in the only one with the power to change life.

i have read the above passage many, many times and heard it millions more.  but yesterday i read the entire chapter through new eyes.  i love the translation that i read of verse 13 that says, "i am able because of the one who made me able." 

i feel confident in the job that i have...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6).

that's it and everything and yet still more than i feel i can handle sometimes...but it is written right there for me...and i am able because of the one who made me able...
so yesterday was not a great day for calvary.  he was very emotional.  he was overwhelmed very easily.  the cards are stacked against him right now.  we have a little boy staying with us for a couple of days and the change in routine is probably more than i should have taken on right now...but i am also want to be ready to serve whenever i can and not be so caught up in my own circumstances that i fail to see the needs of others.  the school year is wrapping up and every day he is reminded of how things are about to change.  the countdown is both exciting and sad for him.  and so yesterday was difficult.
but each time i started to get discouraged or scared i just prayed and thanked God for what he is doing in our lives. 
i thank God for monday.  what a beautiful gift it was!
i thank God for eating lunch with calvary on tuesday and how happy and excited he was to see us all. 
i thank God for the report his teacher gave me on tuesday letting me know that he has seemed so happy the past couple of days.
i thank God for the fun we all had  playing in the water.
i thank God for the relative ease calvary transitioned out of setbacks such as dinner not being his favorite. 
i thank God that even though calvary had a difficult time reconciling his desire to have fun and his inability to accept change that he was able to talk to me and use his words.
i thank God that he woke up happy this morning.
afterall, with medicine or without calvary is a boy with special needs.  hard days are hard days. 

these are the moments that i am choosing to focus on when i feel the anxiousness creep back in my head.  i also continue to petition for freedom for calvary.  freedom from the burden of a mood disorder.  i am choosing to be thankful and choosing to continue to petition instead of focusing on the what ifs or watching every little setback as a possible sign because i know that if i do as God asks that he will be faithful to what he has promised...

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " (Phil 4:7)

and the peace of God...
such a  promise to this momma's heart :)

excited..?...?..

calvary has been taking a .25 mg of his medication for 5 days now. 
yesterday it was like i woke up a different child for the day. 
he was sleeping so soundly that he didn't even know that i came in the room.  i picked out his clothes, sat beside him on his bed, and stroked his hair before he even stirred.  unlike our normal morning routine of growling about the change from weekend to school day he just gave me a huge smile.  in the midst of a chaotic weekend i had forgotten to go by the store and get milk so i nervously prepared calvary for not being able to have his only acceptable frosted flakes for breakfast.  usually, even if we are having something else that he likes such as cinnamon rolls or even on the occasion poptarts he resists quite vehemently.  yesterday morning, he said "okay" and happily sat at the table. 
after school he got into the car and proudly announced that he was the only kid to get two hershey kisses for his behavior...
i was starting to question whether calvary was simply having the best day that i could ever remember him having or if the meds were to blame (thank?). 
at this point i put the turn signal to go the opposite way than we usually do which signifies that we aren't going home.  calvary NEVER does well with having any after school activities.  usually i prepare him when he gets in the car because that helps his reaction be a little better; but if i ever forget and i start turning before i tell him...well, let's just say it isn't pretty.  even if it is something exciting like going to the park or to get a treat or to meet friends...he just doesn't want to do anything besides the expected. 
but yesterday not only were we going to the store to get milk (he HATES going to the store) but i also forgot to prepare him...the minute i pushed down the turn signal i started waiting for his reaction...but nothing. 
at this point i told them what we were doing and started watching calvary with a little more critical eye. 
at the store he asked to sit in the buggy...which is usual...but he didn't protest when oliver jack got in with him.  he never got irritated with oliver jack's invasion of his space.
finley wasn't exactly well behaved in the store and has herself a little tantrum over candy at the check out.  her correction was to lose the privilege of sharing the candy with her brothers and sister.  she cried in protest the entire ride home.  instead of screaming and growling because of the noise, calvary simply covered his ears and said, "that shouting sure does hurt my ears".
at this point, i knew. 
once we got home, calvary and harper ran off to play.  when oliver jack wanted to join in the play calvary hesitated but eventually allowed it. 
now, here's the moment that i called the doctor...
calvary still didn't really want oliver jack to play with them so he offered to let oliver jack stay in his room and play with his legos!  unheard of...really. 
calvary still had his own opinions about how things should be played.  he had energy.  but he wasn't on edge.  he had lost that intensity that i had come so familiar with that i haven't even realized how much i have catered to it. 
he has had good days...but most of those days are the result of everything being perfect...his routine, his clothes, his environment, his playmates, and his food...but this day was far from calvary's perfect. 
i called the doctor to ask if it was too soon to see results or if it was just my imagination.  she told me that it was to be expected to start seeing results.  praise the Lord! 
i then asked if we were seeing results if we could stay at the same low dosage instead of moving up to a little higher...and praise the Lord again...she said yes! 
so, yes, the meds seem to be helping my boy enjoy his life...he is smiling, he is happy.  he has laughed with oliver jack the past two mornings at breakfast and i can see oliver jack's skepticism in his eyes as they interact...he is cautiously enjoying calvary's relaxed side. 


my prayer checklist

•  we would see results with the first medicine that we try so that we won't have to go on a pill hunt
• we wouldn't have to drug him out
• that we won't see a cyclical pattern in his behavior that needs additional medications to balance indicating early on-set bipolar disorder

i know that we are early in on this, but i am choosing to believe that all of this is an answer to my very specific prayers.  i know that calvary's body could start to respond differently over the next couple of weeks. but my prayer for this medicine has always been that it will help us to rule out what it is not--i don't expect it to be a long term solution or our crutch--and i am grateful for yesterday.  i am grateful for a day that shows me what life can be for him. 

calvary is still calvary.  he doesn't like changes in his routine.  he doesn't like loud noises.  he doesn't want to share.  he doesn't like transitioning from his "obsessions". 
but yesterday, and so far today, i have seen a child that is capable of handling all of these things with far less intervention from me.  what a gift. 
still praying for my son. 
my prayer is that others will join me...