a change in perspective...

as i mentioned in an earlier post, i have been going through some semblance of grieving over the past week or so.  some moments are harder than others but the common link between them all is that i am raw.  the hardest day, by far, was the day that i filled his prescription.  the internal battle i was fighting was impossible to keep to myself and the tears flowed freely.  i haven't felt so emotional since harper's early years.  i feel the same lack of control over the future.  the possibilities are paralyzing and the fact that i cannot simply choose a path knowing that the path i am choosing is the right one is terrifying.
i am doing all i can.  but knowing that it is not enough to protect his future is awful. 
kyle has been lovingly encouraging me that being sad is not doing anything for anyone.  he encourages me not to be locked into my own experiences because 1. we do not know for sure what we are dealing with and 2. my brother's experience is not my son's.  of course being logical in emotion is not always ever possible. 
so i prayed.  i prayed for a change in perspective. 
i dreaded mother's day because i knew i was going to be emotional.  the sadness i had been waking up with was not as evident...maybe because i woke up to finley's sweet smile. 
once we arrived at church i knew i was going to have a harder time because a few sweet people asked about calvary and it was all i could do to answer without tears.  i know that i come across as rude in those moments because i seem evasive...but i have moments when i can talk about things and i have moments when i cannot.  most of the time it has to be on my terms.  on the flip side, i want people to ask about him and all of my children.  it doesn't make sense.  i made it into the service...alone...and found a seat.  harper and calvary were back in the children's worship and kyle was suckered (i mean happy) to serve in the nursery with finley and oliver jack.
i took an few extra tissues in case the mention of mother's day made me a little too weepy. 
the service was sweet and beautiful but the message was just for me. 
the change in perspective that i had been praying for was exactly what i was given.

James 5:7-11 NIV 
⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

the illustration of a farmer was profound for me because, as matt pointed out, the farmer can control everything.  he can control his ownership of the land, he can control which land to sow, he can control how he sows the land, he can control what he sows, he can control when he sows...but he cannot control the rain. 
i cannot expect to control everything and still have patience trusting that God is in control. 
matt then gave an illustration of a man who had a boulder put into his path.  he told us to imagine that boulder as our trial...of course it was easy for me to think of my boulder at this point in my life...the man could not go around, over, or under the boulder.  God told the man to push on the boulder.  so the man pushed.  he pushed and pushed and pushed.  nothing happened.  the boulder didn't move...not even a millimeter.  so the man threw up his arms and said, "i can't move it!"...to which God responded, "i didn't ask you to move it; i told you to push it."  God then showed the man how much stronger he was having pushed against an obstacle he couldn't control.  the purpose was not to change the path but to make the man stronger. 

Romans 5:3-5 NIV
3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

i have a hard time looking at this moment with calvary as "my suffering" because the reality is that my only part in it is how much i wish i can fix it for him.  i don't want him to suffer.  my suffering is born out of fear of him suffering.  yet, i do know that this is a trial.  it is a trial that our entire family will face with him.  and i know that all we are asked to do is persevere.  this trial will not last; yet the character that it creates will.  God's purpose is to refine us for eternity. 
my hope has been renewed because i am choosing to hope.  i am choosing to persevere in my faith and not be crippled by the fear of what may happen but choose to believe that whatever may happen will be purposed. 

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

my prayer is that i remember this...God has a plan for calvary.  plans to prosper him and not to harm him.  plans to give him hope and a future. 

Trying to pull myself up...

I am trying to figure out how I can go back to thinking of things through the lens of aspergers alone instead of adding on this new unknown. I fear that I am getting so fixated on figuring out this other side that I am not only forgetting that Calvary has Asperger's but that he is not defined by either. And then I worry that if I am having this difficult of a time separating him from his diagnosis how much more difficult will it be for others.
He is first and foremost a child of God. Secondly, he is my son.
All children channel the stress of their parents and although Calvary is not an empathetic child I know that he feels my burden.
I don't want him to feel that weight. I don't want him to misinterpret that weight for him. He is not the burden. These issues are not the burden; the burden is the stress of making the right choices when the future is unknown.
I am trying to pull myself up and I am praying for a renewed perspective. I know that I need to shift my focus not only off of the unknown but onto God as the author of all time.
I am trying. I really am. But this is proving to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

It's all about semantics...

Kyle told me about this conversation that he had with Calvary yesterday:

C: "did you know that stingrays can kill people with their sting?"
K: "yea! A while ago there was this man that would go out in the woods and play with snakes and crocodiles named the Crocodile Hunter. He was killed by a stingray."
C: " well I think it is pretty amazing that he found a stingray in the woods!"

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. i am not 30 yet ( i may feel 400 this week, but at least my physical time has not yet reached 30)
2. how tightly finley wraps her arms around me when she hugs.
3. oliver jack telling me that he missed me whenever i am not around for more than a few minutes.
4. harper making me gifts upon gifts upon gifts.
5. harper telling me that i am the best mommy ever when she knows i have had a tough day.
6. harper telling me, "i am going to go put this down and then i am coming to give you a hug." (are we sure she is only 7? her soul is so old.)
7. calvary's excitement about getting to pet a turtle at the pond.
8. friends that help me take my mind off my current stresses without simply avoiding the conversation...sometimes i need to talk about it.
9. coffee.
10. kyle's desire to make me happy...he's so good to me.
11. making concrete plans for school next year.
12. fresh sheets on all of the beds at the same time.
13. mowing the grass.
14. ayden, adam, and alex's new bunny.
15. visiting my mom in mooresville.
16. summer approaching...only 2 more full weeks of school!
17. calvary's teacher.  i almost cried when i wrote number 16 because of how grateful i am for her and what a blessing she has been...still holding back tears. 
18. God's faithfulness.
19. finley curling up in my lap.
20. my children.

i think too much...

you are my sunshine...

i'm definitely grieving.  i've been cycling through the stages almost daily. during the day i can just live my life and do what needs to be done, but then i tuck all my babies in their beds and kiss them goodnight and i sit.  or i buckle them in the car seats, shut the door, and sit behind the wheel to drive.  and all i can do is think. 

it seems so dramatic for me even to write but the reality is that i feel so much sadness.  i feel silly for feeling sad because my son is here.  he is not dying.  he is not in a hospital.  so many people have walked roads that i can not even imagine and i feel ungrateful for feeling sad.  but i am. 

i've walked this road before.  i walked beside my brother as my parents did everything they could to figure out what he needed.  i have been beside my mother and father as they have had to watch this disorder unfold in my brother's life.  i don't really have a relationship with my brother because it is just not a possibility.  this is all i know of this road. 

i am afraid to do any research because i have never heard too many positive stories associated with bipolar disorder.  even the happy ending stories have deeply difficult experiences that i just cannot stomach conceptualizing.  i keep holding on to the fact that the doctor's are saying that we just have to look at this as a possibility.  but even the possibility is difficult for me to process. 

my fear is that i am going to mess up.  when we suspected and then had asperger's confirmed i was not afraid of messing up.  i knew that, for the most part, no matter what kyle and i provided calvary would only make his life better.  but with this potential mood disorder i know, i mean i really know, how incredibly important it is to find the right path as early as possible. 

in my head, a path that doesn't work is almost like cutting the wrong wire for disarming a bomb .  i have put so much pressure on myself to find out what i need to do and yet i have no clue what it is that i need to do. 

mostly i am just afraid of losing him.  i love him so much.  i already feel like i have lost my brother and not having a happy ending for that makes me so scared that his path is the only path. 

how silly is it that i am grieving the loss of a son that i haven't even lost? 

he is here.  he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me how much he loves me.  he cries when i leave.  it breaks his heart for me to be upset with him so i have to choose so carefully how i reprimand him for not putting his shoes in his closet or picking up his toys. 

and for some reason all i can do is be afraid that i will lose that...

what an unfair amount of pressure i am putting on myself and him!  kyle just keeps reminding me that we have to pray.  that it isn't in our control at all.  we can only do what we can and that the rest is in God's and calvary's hands.  but i am just not sure how to do that yet.  i know that God is faithful.  he has done tremendous things in my life.  and yet i find myself doubting his ability to handle this. 

please don't take my sunshine away...

These are a few of his favorite things...

worry...

i have never considered myself a worrisome person.  i tend to walk the path in front of me...i always consider how my choices now may affect life later but i rarely stress about it.  even when i found out i was pregnant my senior year i was so overwhelmed with the present that i could not worry about the future.  i had college to survive. i had to survive my crumbling pride.  i had to take care of my growing baby.  i had choices to make that affected the present.  and overall, i knew it was my choices that caused all of this.  it was my consequence...that was the last time that i felt stressed.  i wasn't even worried then.  
but now.  now i am worried. 
i am worried about our future.  i am worried about his future.  i am scared about what i don't know for sure and i am terrified about what i do know. 
i have lived my entire life alongside someone with a mood disorder...the same exact mood disorder that they suspect that my son may have...and i am so scared and so worried.  it wouldn't be as scary if everything was okay now for my brother.  i could look at him and say that it was a tough few years but we came through it...but i can't say that. 
my prayers are that this is not what we are dealing with, but then ironically enough, i worry that my worry is evidence of my lack of faith which invariably accepts the words spoken over his life. 
he is just such a good boy. 
he has come so far and this weekend he played with new friends and old friends without any trouble.  he handled changes in his routine. he played happily with oliver jack in the morning while the rest of us snuck a few extra minutes of sleep.
i'm just so tired.  and as much as i know the worry doesn't help i keep finding myself doing it...
praying that God will calm my anxious heart...
praying that God will cover my son--his body was broken for calvary; his blood will spilled for calvary.
praying that we will find that his intense emotionality is just the intense emotionality common for children with asperger's and not reflective of anything additional.
praying that God will make it obvious what we need to do for our son in order to give him the best life possible.
i wish their were not limitations to that which i can control for them.  i wish i could orchestrate it perfectly for their happiness.  i wish i could make it easy for them...