i think too much...

you are my sunshine...

i'm definitely grieving.  i've been cycling through the stages almost daily. during the day i can just live my life and do what needs to be done, but then i tuck all my babies in their beds and kiss them goodnight and i sit.  or i buckle them in the car seats, shut the door, and sit behind the wheel to drive.  and all i can do is think. 

it seems so dramatic for me even to write but the reality is that i feel so much sadness.  i feel silly for feeling sad because my son is here.  he is not dying.  he is not in a hospital.  so many people have walked roads that i can not even imagine and i feel ungrateful for feeling sad.  but i am. 

i've walked this road before.  i walked beside my brother as my parents did everything they could to figure out what he needed.  i have been beside my mother and father as they have had to watch this disorder unfold in my brother's life.  i don't really have a relationship with my brother because it is just not a possibility.  this is all i know of this road. 

i am afraid to do any research because i have never heard too many positive stories associated with bipolar disorder.  even the happy ending stories have deeply difficult experiences that i just cannot stomach conceptualizing.  i keep holding on to the fact that the doctor's are saying that we just have to look at this as a possibility.  but even the possibility is difficult for me to process. 

my fear is that i am going to mess up.  when we suspected and then had asperger's confirmed i was not afraid of messing up.  i knew that, for the most part, no matter what kyle and i provided calvary would only make his life better.  but with this potential mood disorder i know, i mean i really know, how incredibly important it is to find the right path as early as possible. 

in my head, a path that doesn't work is almost like cutting the wrong wire for disarming a bomb .  i have put so much pressure on myself to find out what i need to do and yet i have no clue what it is that i need to do. 

mostly i am just afraid of losing him.  i love him so much.  i already feel like i have lost my brother and not having a happy ending for that makes me so scared that his path is the only path. 

how silly is it that i am grieving the loss of a son that i haven't even lost? 

he is here.  he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me how much he loves me.  he cries when i leave.  it breaks his heart for me to be upset with him so i have to choose so carefully how i reprimand him for not putting his shoes in his closet or picking up his toys. 

and for some reason all i can do is be afraid that i will lose that...

what an unfair amount of pressure i am putting on myself and him!  kyle just keeps reminding me that we have to pray.  that it isn't in our control at all.  we can only do what we can and that the rest is in God's and calvary's hands.  but i am just not sure how to do that yet.  i know that God is faithful.  he has done tremendous things in my life.  and yet i find myself doubting his ability to handle this. 

please don't take my sunshine away...

These are a few of his favorite things...

worry...

i have never considered myself a worrisome person.  i tend to walk the path in front of me...i always consider how my choices now may affect life later but i rarely stress about it.  even when i found out i was pregnant my senior year i was so overwhelmed with the present that i could not worry about the future.  i had college to survive. i had to survive my crumbling pride.  i had to take care of my growing baby.  i had choices to make that affected the present.  and overall, i knew it was my choices that caused all of this.  it was my consequence...that was the last time that i felt stressed.  i wasn't even worried then.  
but now.  now i am worried. 
i am worried about our future.  i am worried about his future.  i am scared about what i don't know for sure and i am terrified about what i do know. 
i have lived my entire life alongside someone with a mood disorder...the same exact mood disorder that they suspect that my son may have...and i am so scared and so worried.  it wouldn't be as scary if everything was okay now for my brother.  i could look at him and say that it was a tough few years but we came through it...but i can't say that. 
my prayers are that this is not what we are dealing with, but then ironically enough, i worry that my worry is evidence of my lack of faith which invariably accepts the words spoken over his life. 
he is just such a good boy. 
he has come so far and this weekend he played with new friends and old friends without any trouble.  he handled changes in his routine. he played happily with oliver jack in the morning while the rest of us snuck a few extra minutes of sleep.
i'm just so tired.  and as much as i know the worry doesn't help i keep finding myself doing it...
praying that God will calm my anxious heart...
praying that God will cover my son--his body was broken for calvary; his blood will spilled for calvary.
praying that we will find that his intense emotionality is just the intense emotionality common for children with asperger's and not reflective of anything additional.
praying that God will make it obvious what we need to do for our son in order to give him the best life possible.
i wish their were not limitations to that which i can control for them.  i wish i could orchestrate it perfectly for their happiness.  i wish i could make it easy for them...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. how finley lays on my hand while i type.
2. finley saying "thank you" for everything...even if it is just when i give her a kiss.
3. harper telling the story of how she fell down in the school cafeteria in front of all the third graders...there was a hint of embarrassment but that girl has confidence made of stone...and i love it.
4. harper telling me that her fall was completely forgotten the next day because someone put a bib i had left in the cafeteria in her cubby so all of her classmates kept asking her, "why do you have a bib in your cubby". then she added in her most sarcastic tone, "so, thanks mom."
5. glimpses of oliver jack gaining some sense. they have been few and short lived but we have seen moments that he is learning that "listening to his head" is not the way to go.
6. oliver jack's quick wit.
7. calvary's appropriate response to our discussion of some negative behavior. he listened, he admitted fault, and he apologized...maybe not ground breaking for most, but for me it is.
8. seeing how much happier calvary has been since we have started to understand him more. 
9. finley's enormous cheeks...especially considering her impossibly small stature.
10. having the opportunity to help my mom out some...even if it was just visiting.
11. kyle's dad accepting the challenge of watching finley and oliver jack so that i could go to an appointment...it's not the first time he's done this but i am loving that he's not intimidated by the idea of watching his grandkids on his own.
12. i am not 30 yet.
13. i finally weigh less than my friend christy...even though she is 8 weeks out from delivering her 4th child i will count this as a victory.
14. finley's laugh.
15. how finley calls for harper when i don't do something she wants me to do; she knows who is the weak link.
16. how smitten calvary is with finley...she still can do no wrong for him.
17. school is almost out!
18. saving money.
19. the love of a Popsicle.
20. eating dinner with my family.

on a side note, something i am not loving about this week:

1. the realization of just how much finley has grown up....she's not a baby anymore...she's a little girl.  blah.

Two worlds collide...

This morning Harper & Calvary tried to explain the difference between lions and tigers to Oliver Jack over breakfast. Harper, who is the most abstract and analytical thinker out of my children, is the complete opposite of Calvary. Calvary is very literal and methodical in his thinking so the pairing made the explanation very entertaining.
Harper tried to explain the difference using book characters and cartoon references.
Calvary tried to explain the difference using the description of their fur.
Finally, Harper grabbed the book on the table and told Oliver Jack that "here! This is a lion!".
To which Calvary responded, "well , not really. That is just an illustration.".

He always redeems himself...

Oliver Jack: "I will miss you while I sleep... Momma, you can miss people when you are at home too"

and the diagnosis goes to....

yesterday we had our final consultation with the doctor concerning calvary's evaluation.  i had been anxiously anticipating the meeting until the morning of the appointment.  at that point i started feeling a sadness in the pit of my stomach.  i had been so ready to finally have this part of our lives behind me that i had not taken the time to really think about what was going to be said and what it meant for our lives but mostly his life. 
i drove to the appointment and my thoughts were just overwhelming.  i laughed at my attempt to turn adele's voice up on the radio to drown out my head...
when she called me back i noticed that she had an air of nervousness about her and thought to myself, "she must have some information beyond my expectations". she told me that she wanted to bottom line his diagnosis with me and then work our way backwards through how she arrived at her assessment. 
i was glad that she wasn't going to put me through the torture of drawn out commerical breaks. 
then she told me:
calvary does indeed have an autism spectrum disorder but he also has a mood disorder.
after her personal experience with him for 8 hours of testing, her interview with myself and kyle, her scoring of the information taken from his teacher, excerpts from this blog, and the video footage i provided of calvary she felt that the emotional instability that calvary carries clouds so much of what can be assessed. 
she recommended medication to help stabilize his mood. 
she was very gentle with her delivery and never minimalized what her recommendation meant for me as his mother.  she also went on to say that she admired kyle and i greatly for our patience.  she said that the videos i provided were intense and that it was important for kyle and i both to take care of ourselves through encouragement and rest. 
it was at this point that i felt the tears. 
i guess deep down i just feel like i am failing him. 
when i left i realized how anti-climatic it all felt.  i wanted something big to happen.  i wanted everything to be all right.  if anything i just felt like more was out of control. 
i started googling mood disorders and quickly stopped.  the term was so vague that i wasn't sure what the doctor meant specifically for calvary.  i have already emailed her for clarification.
but mostly there is just a sadness in me...realizing that there is a sadness and anxiousness in calvary that i cannot fix on my own makes me feel powerless. 
with asperger's alone i felt a little more control--undoubtedly it was a false sense--but when doctor's start suggesting medication for behavior modification it opens up a whole new world of insecurity.  the arguments are intense and numerous.  everyone has an opinion and some sort of experience (either directly or indirectly) which makes council almost impossible to seek. 
the decision is intensely personal and kyle and i are looking at long term and short term effects.  our love for calvary guides our decision and our trust that God's hand is on his life...
as always i am so thankful for the doctor's and resources that are available.  i am also so thankful for the love and support that surrounds calvary.  we have been overwhelmed with how many people have asked questions to show their support for him and just want to learn how best they can love him.
i am amazed by him and his strength.  he is beautiful and i just want to be the best mom to him that he could ever have...