friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. how finley lays on my hand while i type.
2. finley saying "thank you" for everything...even if it is just when i give her a kiss.
3. harper telling the story of how she fell down in the school cafeteria in front of all the third graders...there was a hint of embarrassment but that girl has confidence made of stone...and i love it.
4. harper telling me that her fall was completely forgotten the next day because someone put a bib i had left in the cafeteria in her cubby so all of her classmates kept asking her, "why do you have a bib in your cubby". then she added in her most sarcastic tone, "so, thanks mom."
5. glimpses of oliver jack gaining some sense. they have been few and short lived but we have seen moments that he is learning that "listening to his head" is not the way to go.
6. oliver jack's quick wit.
7. calvary's appropriate response to our discussion of some negative behavior. he listened, he admitted fault, and he apologized...maybe not ground breaking for most, but for me it is.
8. seeing how much happier calvary has been since we have started to understand him more. 
9. finley's enormous cheeks...especially considering her impossibly small stature.
10. having the opportunity to help my mom out some...even if it was just visiting.
11. kyle's dad accepting the challenge of watching finley and oliver jack so that i could go to an appointment...it's not the first time he's done this but i am loving that he's not intimidated by the idea of watching his grandkids on his own.
12. i am not 30 yet.
13. i finally weigh less than my friend christy...even though she is 8 weeks out from delivering her 4th child i will count this as a victory.
14. finley's laugh.
15. how finley calls for harper when i don't do something she wants me to do; she knows who is the weak link.
16. how smitten calvary is with finley...she still can do no wrong for him.
17. school is almost out!
18. saving money.
19. the love of a Popsicle.
20. eating dinner with my family.

on a side note, something i am not loving about this week:

1. the realization of just how much finley has grown up....she's not a baby anymore...she's a little girl.  blah.

Two worlds collide...

This morning Harper & Calvary tried to explain the difference between lions and tigers to Oliver Jack over breakfast. Harper, who is the most abstract and analytical thinker out of my children, is the complete opposite of Calvary. Calvary is very literal and methodical in his thinking so the pairing made the explanation very entertaining.
Harper tried to explain the difference using book characters and cartoon references.
Calvary tried to explain the difference using the description of their fur.
Finally, Harper grabbed the book on the table and told Oliver Jack that "here! This is a lion!".
To which Calvary responded, "well , not really. That is just an illustration.".

He always redeems himself...

Oliver Jack: "I will miss you while I sleep... Momma, you can miss people when you are at home too"

and the diagnosis goes to....

yesterday we had our final consultation with the doctor concerning calvary's evaluation.  i had been anxiously anticipating the meeting until the morning of the appointment.  at that point i started feeling a sadness in the pit of my stomach.  i had been so ready to finally have this part of our lives behind me that i had not taken the time to really think about what was going to be said and what it meant for our lives but mostly his life. 
i drove to the appointment and my thoughts were just overwhelming.  i laughed at my attempt to turn adele's voice up on the radio to drown out my head...
when she called me back i noticed that she had an air of nervousness about her and thought to myself, "she must have some information beyond my expectations". she told me that she wanted to bottom line his diagnosis with me and then work our way backwards through how she arrived at her assessment. 
i was glad that she wasn't going to put me through the torture of drawn out commerical breaks. 
then she told me:
calvary does indeed have an autism spectrum disorder but he also has a mood disorder.
after her personal experience with him for 8 hours of testing, her interview with myself and kyle, her scoring of the information taken from his teacher, excerpts from this blog, and the video footage i provided of calvary she felt that the emotional instability that calvary carries clouds so much of what can be assessed. 
she recommended medication to help stabilize his mood. 
she was very gentle with her delivery and never minimalized what her recommendation meant for me as his mother.  she also went on to say that she admired kyle and i greatly for our patience.  she said that the videos i provided were intense and that it was important for kyle and i both to take care of ourselves through encouragement and rest. 
it was at this point that i felt the tears. 
i guess deep down i just feel like i am failing him. 
when i left i realized how anti-climatic it all felt.  i wanted something big to happen.  i wanted everything to be all right.  if anything i just felt like more was out of control. 
i started googling mood disorders and quickly stopped.  the term was so vague that i wasn't sure what the doctor meant specifically for calvary.  i have already emailed her for clarification.
but mostly there is just a sadness in me...realizing that there is a sadness and anxiousness in calvary that i cannot fix on my own makes me feel powerless. 
with asperger's alone i felt a little more control--undoubtedly it was a false sense--but when doctor's start suggesting medication for behavior modification it opens up a whole new world of insecurity.  the arguments are intense and numerous.  everyone has an opinion and some sort of experience (either directly or indirectly) which makes council almost impossible to seek. 
the decision is intensely personal and kyle and i are looking at long term and short term effects.  our love for calvary guides our decision and our trust that God's hand is on his life...
as always i am so thankful for the doctor's and resources that are available.  i am also so thankful for the love and support that surrounds calvary.  we have been overwhelmed with how many people have asked questions to show their support for him and just want to learn how best they can love him.
i am amazed by him and his strength.  he is beautiful and i just want to be the best mom to him that he could ever have...

friday's musings...

these are the things that i am loving about this week...

1. finley's spin jump on the trampoline.
2. finley coming to me several million times a day asking, "bounce?".
3. watching leave it to beaver with the kids at night before bed (thanks alli for the heads up that this program is on netflix!).
4. calvary laughing with the laugh track without always knowing why he's laughing.
5. figuring out why calvary reacts the way he does to some things.
6. oliver jack's refusal to wear underwear.
7. the way harper always bends to help people enjoy life.  she enjoys making other people happy and she is so, so good at meeting people where they are and including their interests in play...even if it isn't her interest.
8. harper reading the chronicles of narnia series.
9. my little milk bottles.
10. my beautiful paper straws.
11. having coffee with a friend.
12. harper and kyle's road trip to GA.
13. the man i married.
14. naptime.
15. finally starting to work out...even though it was only 2 days this week.
16. the brick pathway to the woods and garden (even though it isn't really a garden yet).
17. i am not 30 yet.
18. harper's ability to understand and question the way the world works...mostly concerning money...but she is asking about and understanding things that i didn't understand until after she was born.
19. pinterest and all of its inspirational glory.
20. seeing through FB that my former students are graduating college...some are married...some have babies...it is beautiful for me to see all they have accomplished.
21. my cousin having her first baby, jameson.  pure joy!

She wants a turn...

Well spoken child...

As I finished lunch today I said, "I enjoyed my soup."
Oliver Jack responded, "I enjoyed my soup as well."

I pretended like it was to be expected from all 3 year olds because most of what I find delightful he finds a way to avoid :)