she makes me laugh...

our neighbor put this little scarecrow in our yard the other day for the kids to enjoy.  a few days later the scarecrow had wilted to a less enjoyable pose.  as we walked by the decoration harper said, "that scarecrow is so ashamed."

at least she's smart and pretty...

the other night at dinner we were praising harper's character for how she was entrusted to help a little girl in her class.  i was going on and on about how this was evidence not of how smart she was or how pretty she was but how kind, loving, trustworthy, and responsible she is.  much more valuable character traits than beauty or brains.  at the end of my long discourse i asked harper how it was going.  she responded with a sheepish grin, "i forgot her today."

the case for shame...

sometimes i am surprised by the shame i still carry. the fact that i still carry the consequence of my actions is obvious but the consequence goes deeper than even a living, breathing little girl.  i wrestle with the question of whether or not i have truly repented of my sin or if i am simply carrying it on my own hoping to some how find a way to allay myself into forgiveness.  in some symbolic sense, my shame is likened to a scourge from which i seek atonement.  i carry the weight of consequence mainly for how my choices have affected so many outside of myself.  the ripple effect has been so unexpectedly large that sometimes the guilt is crippling.  sin is not without consequence.  the transparency of my own sin has been forgiven but the shame is what has helped me remember the weight of its cost.  i am like david crying out, "o God, you see how foolish i am; and my wrongdoing is clear to you" (psalm 69:5).  and now when i sing "never will i know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" i remember the weight of my burden and i sing with tears in my eyes because the shadow of its heaviness still presses on my heart.  i once believed that walking in redemption would mean walking in total freedom.  of course i would have the natural consequence of raising my daughter in a divided home, but that spiritually i would be free of shame.  then i remember ezekiel 16 when jerusalem is referred to as an adulterous wife and the Lord says, "then, when i make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation" (ezekiel 16:63).  in this reference shame is used as a tool of remembrance.  how will i ever understand the depths from which i have been saved if i have not felt the singe of its burn?  God is just; his love is deep enough to be hurt by our decisions.  as jerusalem is compared to an adulterous wife, God's wrath is made evident.  he keeps his covenant but the weight of forgiveness is not an easy load to bear.  yet, the compassion of God is made evident as he says, "fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced...for a brief moment i abandoned you, but with deep compassion i will bring you back. in a surge of anger i hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness i will have compassion on you." (isaiah 54).  the seeming paradox illustrates that there is a place for my shame in my relationship with God; as long as it crumples me to the ground at his feet then it serves its purpose.  david's shame causes him to sing out in praise, "he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire" (psalm 40:2).  and while from the outside i grow further and further away from that college dormitory nestled cozily in the hills of eastern tennessee, my shame reminds me of just how closely i am knit to the nature that rooted me in the pain of terrible choices.  i am not where i was then.  none of us are.  harper is surrounded by love.  i could not imagine the emotions of our situation being any better.  we have, through only God, created a family for her.  this family is rooted in compassion, love, and unbelievably at times, forgiveness.  it could be easy to forget.  i could at times hide my shame.  i could pretend like nothing has happened.  no one would have to know that the beginning of harper's story started out so broken.  yet hiding my shame only fans hers.  my prayer has been that harper would not have to carry the weight of my choices and although that is unlikely not reconciling my past or taking responsibility for my own actions only shifts the weight on to her.  i never want her to carry my pain any more than i have already asked of her.  if i was to become prideful or find myself righteous in anyway i would be denying the depth of His redemption.  shame is the antidote for pride or self-righteousness.  i must have been a pious little lady and yet i am thankful for my shame because it causes me to "remember therefore from where" i "have fallen" (revelation 2:5).  from this view shame is not crippling or sad.  it serves only as a reminder of just how sweet it is to be loved by Him...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. oliver jack pushing finley on his bike.

2. oliver jack riding finley on the radio flyer trike with her arms wrapped around his middle.
3. finley laughing all the way.
4. watching finley, oliver jack, calvary, and harper play ring around the rosies.
5. finley and harper's new haircuts.
6. finley clasping her hands together and shrugging her shoulders and smiling with unspeakable glee anytime we mention anything she understands.
7. sneaking peeks into harper's ballet class to watch her dance.
8. the fact that oliver jack can still not reach the light switches...sigh...he's still a baby.
9. hearing the kids sing veggie tales songs.
10. finley standing against the time-out wall and fake crying.
11. giving the kids "pocky" and hearing them say "i love pocky!".
12. to contradict last week, all of the nice uninterrupted sleep i've been getting!
13. harper asking me to hug her and lay beside her when i tuck her in at night.
14. the moments this week where harper has willingly allowed me to correct her as we work through her homework...last year she would try to explain to me why her wrong answer was indeed right instead of looking for what could possibly be wrong.  she is so much more teachable this year.
15. calvary wiping finley's nose with a tissue.  maybe not a big deal to most, but it literally brought tears to my eyes.  finley is the best therapy for calvary!
16. finley "telling" secrets.
17. harper, calvary, and oliver jack having pillow fights.
18. the sound of their laughter = joy.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. secretly i love that oliver jack wants to come and sleep in our room at night.
2. i also secretly love that finley likes to cuddle and sometimes needs to sit on my lap to settle down to go to sleep.
3. oliver jack saying, "oh snap!".
4. calvary bringing home sheets upon sheets of things that he has done at free art time that are filled completely with 2+2=4, 11+1=12, 6+3=9, and so on and so on and so on...so foreign to me :)
5. harper working on christmas presents.
6. harper working on a birthday gift for her best friend.  going through her stuff and picking out anything that she sees that is purple because purple is bria's favorite color.
7. celebrating awesome news with awesome friends.
8. calvary wanting to take his artwork from school to mr. and mrs. levi.
9. mrs. levi's excitement about calvary bringing his artwork to her and giving him tootsie rolls in exchange.
10. finley's love for coffee...she never gets more than a sip but boy oh boy does she love it.
11. a curtain in the play room.
12. finley "singing" with the cartoons.
13. harper finally starting to understand the heart of a battle we have been having for a few weeks.
14. not having satellite tv.
15. cutting our power bill in half because of the phenomenal weather.
16. trying to teach my kids how to play four-square.
17. harper making a treasure map and burying candy in the dirt as the treasure...and not using a box.
18. the end of the day when i am finally able to enjoy some time with just my family.
19. the anticipation of thanksgiving.
20. my husband's desire to take such good care of us...he is too good for me.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. sleeping through the night with only one night time visitor...ahhh sweet slumber.
2. saving money by cutting satellite.
3. halloween costumes.
4. halloween candy.
5. holding hands with oliver jack.
6. watching finley hold out her little hand to hold hands with one of her siblings.
7. finley finally learned how to push herself on the little trike outside.
8. calvary pushing finley in the cozy coupe.
9. harper's sense of pride as she was entrusted with helping a new child with special needs in her class get to and from the cafeteria and to and from her special education class.
10. the sense of pride i felt in knowing that she has learned to appreciate and love people from many different backgrounds and feeling as if we, her family, has been partly responsible in fostering that heart.
11. calvary riding a school bus for the first time for a field trip--his excitement was contagious.
12. calvary trick-or-treating by saying, "the big bad wolf wants some candy!".
13. having coffee with a friend and realizing that i rarely get out.
14. play dates with kids and moms that i enjoy :)
15. oliver jack getting in the creek at the park and consequently getting himself covered in mud so that we have to strip him down to his skivvies to leave...oh the looks i get while i am out anyway coupled with this makes me one phenomenal spectacle.
16. kyle surprising me with candy and diet dr. pepper on his way home from work.
17. hand me downs

and now a word for our teachers...

there are many people out in the world that are ready to bash the people that instruct our children daily.  and there are many teachers that do not take the responsibility seriously and fail to realize the impact that they have not only on a child for a year but a child for a lifetime and their entire family. 
as a former teacher i can admit that sometimes the daily maintence and sheer volume of bodies in the classroom can be a distraction and lead to careless mistakes that are fundamentally critical in a child's development.  my prayer is that my heart was made evident and that i did more good than harm.  but for the harm i caused, i pray for forgivness. 
teaching is a huge responsibility.  i will forever remember lady mcd orienting myself and other new teachers with james 3:1 that says, "not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly". i thought i understood the gravity of that statement as i instructed other's children but my understanding of the responsibility greatly evolved as i entrusted my own sweet babies to teachers other than myself. 
i suddenly understood how easily a teacher could mess up my kid. 

then i thought about calvary.  i thought about all the things that i always think about with calvary.  oh the thinks you can think :) 

i have posted before about all of my apprehensions about calvary and school.  and i have marvelled at how well he has transitioned into a classroom this year.  i have watched as he has been excited day after day to learn new skills and how he mind has evolved to learn even more on his own.  i have also been on the other end of phone calls from his teacher...not with news of problems, but with news of how well he has been doing. 

just the other day i sat with his teacher for his conference and she told me how she makes sure that every morning she goes through the schedule for the day so that calvary will know exactly what to expect at every part of the day.  she also told me that she has learned to decipher this "look" calvary gets on his face when he needs some time to difuse and she allows him to separate himself to the computers for a few minutes to gather himself.  she also told me that calvary has made great strides in communicating his needs with her (a huge step for him).  she told me that when he gets nervous he starts to pace in place almost like a boxer.  she also told me that he has a habit of jumping up and down when he is exceptionally excited or in need of talking with her.  she told me that he hates to get things wrong...but she is working with him to understand that as long as he tries his best he has done a great thing. 

as she spoke i felt the gratitude well up in my chest.  this teacher was an answer to my prayers.  you see, this entire year i have prayed that his teacher would see calvary for who he is...and i know without a doubt that this teacher knows calvary's heart.  she took the time to learn all about him. 

i wanted to tell her what a blessing she was to our life and as i did tears unexpectedly pooled up in my eyes.  i felt silly.  but this is my child.  this is my son whom i have loved before he was even born.  this is my son whom i have grieved my inability at times to understand, correct, or comfort.

what a gift she has been not only to my son but to our entire family.