impossible love

according to tlc, all parents should really be worried about is birthing the baby and bringing the baby home. why don't they have a show called "toddler story" or "being home with a toddler"? with each stage i am painfully aware of how easy i had it the stage before. harper has started manipulating people with her love saying things like, "but i love you," in order to stay awake just a few moments longer. this summer has had some very trying moments. i have watched my daughter scream and cry because she wanted to go home with nana, i watched as she screams and cries and informs me that she is ready for her own life, and i have watched as she slams doors and pouts because she is not allowed to watch any more cartoons. i sometimes wish i was nana. why is it that i have all of this love for her but this is how i get treated? i know that right now she associates love with fun, but it truly does not make it easier. loving a child is agony. agonizing because all i want to do is everything i can to make her smile and laugh and a lot of times i have to be the one causing the frustration and anger. i see now why so many parents took the friend route that so many people criticized while i was in college. it is hard seeing my child be angry with me.
all is made well the minute she flings those little girl arms around my neck and genuinely, and sweetly, says, "mommy i love you." all manipulation and all bribery aside, and what i have left is the joy of my heart requiting the love that i have for her. i realize that she loves me in spite of the discipline i deliver. and i hope that one day she will understand how wrenching it is for me to love her and discipline her at the same time.
it is strange how the most impossible, agonizing love i have every known is the only love that i could not imagine my life without. the love i have for my children is realization of what love is. i understand now what my parents were saying. i understand now what the scripture means when it says, "God disciplines those whom he loves." i now know why Christ endured the cross...love is sacrifice and love is painful, but love is what seperates us from every other creation.
tlc truly needs to inform some people...it is certainly not always tea parties and pillow fights!

summer vacation

We just returned from vacation last night and we had a fantastic time. we actually traveled all the way to Avon, NC which is located in the Outer Banks. i have vacationed here since i was quite young so it is neat to return to the same place with my children. the trip down was incredibly long...made longer by the screams of calvary from the backseat. harper did a great job. she is generally a very good traveller. calvary is not sure of being buckled down for such long intervals. our stops basically clocked in at around once every hour...i told you it was long. once we got to the beach, we went down the ocean and started to fly harper's kite. i had the same virus on saturday that harper had on the monday before so i just wanted to find a place to lay down. for the most part, we spent our days swimming and playing in the sand. neither one of my children were interested in the ocean. harper stayed about 20 yards away from it at all times---calvary was a little less apprehensive and would let me put my feet in the ocean whilst holding him (very brave :) ). the pool was more of a success. harper had fun jumping into the pool secure in calvary's float--the float that we bought for calvary but he refuses to get in. calvary preferred to stand insanely close to the edge of the pool without any assistance and without actually getting in to the pool. it was while supervising calvary's poolside manner that we had our great misadventure with harper. i'm still not quite sure what happened, but kyle and i were in the pool and watching calvary to make sure he did not fall in to the water. harper was reaching for a pool toy that was in the pool beside her (she was in the pool too). i suppose she reached too far and fell out and i turned and looked and she was under the water---only her legs from the knee up were over the water. the strange thing was that she was not kicking or fighting--i guess that is the good thing from all of it. i reached over and grabbed her up and she hadn't even choked on the water--thankfully. i am surprised as well because it didn't happen quickly. i think i was more nervous than she was to return to the water. she was ready to get back in and jump "flips". all in all we had a great trip. i am glad to be home i believe the kids are as well. it is great to go on a trip but it is even better to return home and realize how thankful you are for all that you have and the simple comfort of your simple life...

the yin & yang of motherhood

school is almost out and each day brings me closer and closer to that dream of being home with my children. so many people talk about how they want to be home with their kids and they wish that they could be a stay at home mom but i wonder how many people will actually admit to wanting to be at work instead of at home with their kids. part of me is ecstatic about being at home--the part that gets to play, read, swim, and enjoy the diaper commercial mother/child relationship; the other part of me is insanely worried how this is going to work--the part that deals with tantrums, naps, sibling rivalries, and the supernanny come help me aspects of motherhood. the balance of the two aspects is going to be key for my summer enjoyment. my aunt just bought me a book for mother's day that brought to my mind how much i do not want to rush these days away. it is called Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury. harper has already outgrown so much, and part of the reason i wanted to teach was so that i could spend these days at home with them...sometimes as a mom i have a picnic mentality---i dream of all these great things to do with my kids, such as a picnic; i dream of how great it is going to be how much fun we will have and how our love will blossom like the flowers we sit amongst---but then reality hits and i am left with a dirty blanket and a crying 2 year-old. it isn't their fault that my expectations are so ideal. i'm just trying to figure out how to create a new ideal--one that accounts for tantrums, irritability, and the need for lots of Tide. the truth is that my children are growing up; calvary has overcome his fear of forward momentum and has begun to walk into the great unknown, harper is beginning to recognize letters and try her hand at them---so much has already happened in their life and i want to relish every minute and i want for the parts that they remember to be parts that include me with a good attitude and an expression of joy, letting them know how much their lives have enriched mine. they are the reason that i listen to sunday school jamz and sing along with them. they are the reason that i read Dora Goes to the Beach 500 times in a row. they are the reason that i buy frozen chicken nuggets. they are the reason that i only go into the kid's section of my favorite stores. they are the reason that i leave work so quickly. they are the reason that i cannot sleep past 8. they are my life, and i want to enjoy my life!

yearbooks

today at school the kids received their yearbooks. by kids i mean the students at gaston christian school. it was strange to flip through the back pages of parent dedications and suddenly feel what it must feel like to write those pages. just like the time i put myself in the shoes of the mother of the bride for the first time, this was the first time i looked at a yearbook like a mother instead of like a student. i thought about kyle and how much i love him, and how thankful i am that he makes me laugh; it won't be long until we are all each other has! i read some of the pages and wondered how it could be that some of these parents seemed to barely know their child or maybe seemed to write what they wished their child would have been. other parents speak the very heart of the child i see as their teacher. i pray, that in high school, i know my childrens' hearts. it was also sweet because so many of the kids asked me to sign their yearbooks. they made a pile on my desk and i felt so flattered to be given the honor of signing their books. many of the students were kids that i would have never thought to care about a word i might have to say; it just reminded me that everyone likes to hear an encouraging word from those that have authority over them. it isn't long until my first year of teaching is over and these students have really impacted my life. i love this job and how it is teaching me to love and appreciate my family.

this is how i'll remember you

when everyday feels more erratic,
and the tantrums remind me that you're two,
each sleeping night, as sweet silence returns,
i peek through the night to gaze in at you.
and this is how i'll remember you.

when earthworms and green army men
quickly become your very best friends,
and five years of tide and blue jean patches
develop a relationship with me that sees no end,
this is how i'll remember you.

when pretty girls with silky hair and shirts
appeal to your eyes and capture your heart
i will be there to straighten your black tie
and pray for your return before you even start.
still, this is how i'll remember you.

and one day you will have beautiful children
and you will be a man of the highest esteem
and integrity will be linked with your name
my heart will bust with pride at every seam.
but this is how i'll remember you.

Cassie Murray 2007

calvary made it!

today is quite the milestone at the murray household; our little man is officially one today! it is hard to believe that a year ago i was at the hospital in the worst pain of my life. this year has been a tough one. between surgery, allergies, and oregon trail illnessess we almost didn't think this day would come. oh how grateful i am that we are able to celebrate!! he is quite possibly the sweetest and most cuddly child ever. he's not quite walking. in fact, the other day he took two steps and each step evoked the most pitiful cry i have ever heard. he's scared of walking. he will climb to the top of a coffee table in no time, but taking one teeny tiny step forward is terrifying. maybe the ground is made of lava. he is sweet. he loves harper. she makes him laugh like no one else can. one of his favorite places to be is in her room. he also loves animals. he thinks everything is a dog. he also loves to eat. last night he had two slices of pizza! i am grateful that he is here. i love him with all of my heart. i don't quite understand how that can be because i love harper with all of my heart as well but it is a strange truth...one person can love two different people with their entire being and it is peculiar for each one. i don't love harper like i love calvary; i don't love calvary like i love harper---but i love each one entirely & completely.

little clothes

well this past week has been a week of adjusting the closests from fall and winter to spring and summer. i went through all of the kids clothes determining what was too small and what could possibly be worn next year and then going through the clothes from last spring and summer and determining what clothes were too small and which clothes would make the cut. after i finished, i went back through all of the clothes that were too small and organized them into piles of keepers and sellers. i was much more emotional about this then i have ever been before. as i folded all of the little clothes it hit me for the first time that i do not have little babies anymore. harper is nearly three years old! calvary is going to be 1 on saturday! i just cannot believe it. i found myself saying, "i'll keep this for our next baby." i must be delusional. next baby is something i swore would never happen and here i am planning for it. wow. this must be that baby bug that people talk about. i don't even want any more babies, i just don't want mine to get any bigger. harper assured me today that even when she is a grown up she will still cuddle with me--we'll see about that. i suppose the best thing that has come out of the changing of the closets is that i realize a little more fully how precious this time is to me. i spent a little more time holding calvary as he fell asleep. i spent a little more time painting harper's little fingernails and held her a little longer while we read a story. this is probably my favorite time in my entire life and i am afraid that nothing else will be able to compare to this and they are quickly growing and i am quickly losing this time! yep, i love them. every single one.