The Murray Family

one of my favorite moments...

2012-01-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

our church had a service new year's eve this year and it was probably one of my favorite ways i have ever prepared to the beginning of a new year. the service was not all night long or even close to the ringing in of the new year; it was a 5:30 or so service and it only lasted an hour. but it was a precious time for me.
we sent oliver jack and finley to their classroom and harper and calvary decided to stay with kyle and i in the service.
calvary wanted me to hold him while we stood to sing and i obliged...the moments where he wants to be held are growing fewer and fewer and i take what i can get...as i sang the lines, "and i'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" calvary pressed his ear up against my cheek. he held his ear there for the duration of worship. harper had her arms wrapped around my waist with her face nestled perfectly at my hip. she is at the perfect height where her head seems to be the missing puzzle piece for my slightly curvier figure.
i am so thankful for the consciousness i had of how perfect this moment was. i stood their drinking in the gifts that God has so graciously blessed me with and all of the stresses of finances and futures unknown seemed so unimportant.
it was a small moment where i was able to truly experience the cliche of living in the moment.
my sensory sensitive boy not covering his ears at the sound of loud not so wonderful singing but instead pulling my face closer and closer to his ear in order to feel the vibrations of my worship.
my oldest child, my gift, my reminder of God's grace, resting lovingly in my arms.
my green-eyed boy standing beside me;he is always supportive and strong enough to make most loads feel light.
it was truly one of my most favorite moments in my life. so simple. so perfect.

2012-01-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

my iphone has taken over my computer...i have enjoyed not having to sit at an actual computer to check email or take a picture or 200. the only pitfall is that i have not written here. i have so many things that i need to catch up on like christmas...i would like to get that recorded before february. right now i have coffee to drink, a menu to plan, a grocery list to write, and pajamas to get out of...all before the kids' show goes off.

christmas cookies...

2012-01-12T06:07:00.000-08:00

i had actually forgotten that we decorated sugar cookies last year until i got out my camera to take pictures of the kids this year...suddenly my mind was flooded with memories of the children sitting around the table at our old house piling on red and green icing. somehow, they were much cleaner last year. by the time it was all said and done, the boys were half naked and finley was so disgustingly sticky that even i was daunted by the task of cleaning her up. but, we had fun. honestly, i think the cookies are disgusting and we never end up eating them. well, kyle does. he doesn't like them either, but we hate to see things go to waste and he is not as mindful of his figure :).

this year:

last year:

let's get crafty...

2012-01-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

this year pinterest made decorating for christmas fun and economically responsible...i found so many great ideas that other people have used and was so blown away by how talented and creative people are. while i am not super talented, i was able to find some pinspiration that was feasible for someone with my abilites and time.

i found several wreaths i loved on pinterest and combined my favorites to make this wreath for our front door...i just love its simplicity and bright colors...

i saw some ball fringe used for garland on pinterest and remembered that i had bought these felt snowflakes at the dollar store 3 years ago to use for christmas decorations...i usually tie them from the light fixture over the table but this year i tied them together and made garland for the fireplace...again...i love color!

i love getting christmas cards every year but i always struggle with how to display them. this year i saw this idea on pinterest and thought how perfect it would be for me. after all, we have acres of neglected forestry for a backyard :)

the kids and i searched for perfect branches and then i used a pitcher and tissue paper to secure them. i topped them with rocks to make it look a litte nicer. then each card we received was punched with a hole and tied with twine to our tree! i love this one so much that it is still up. i love seeing the faces of so many people we love each day.

i was perusing the target circular one day and i noticed a tree made out of pine cones selling for 25.00. my first thought was how much i liked them and my second thought was how i would never spend that much money for one. i also thought that this would be a great way to once again make use of our backyard. it was so much fun searching for pine cones with the kids. i like how they turned out but i definitely will refine my technique next year. make them bigger and straighter...

harper wanted a nightgown this year for christmas so i wanted to oblige. anna had given us some curtains from ikea with a perfect little print. we hung one in her room and then, in a very maria moment, i used the rest to make nightgowns for finley, harper and merriwether. i used several things i saw online and combined them to make it easy for me. finely's was a bit tight so on christmas day i added some button ribbon from anthropologie so we could get her in and out without dislocating her arms...

i made harper some ruffle pants to go under her nightgown and i also made some for finley...she busted out of hers because i made them too small though...maybe that is why people use patterns and measuring :) i made calvary and oliver jack some solid black pants and then i sewed their names down the side by cutting out letters in solid white and appliquing them down the side. i really like how they turned out.

our home was modestly decorated but i was so proud of how much of it i actually made with some new but mostly found materials. i love pinterest for collecting so many great ideas and for inspiring me to get creative and come up with some of my own!

finley talks!

2012-01-09T05:49:00.000-08:00

finley has started talking more and more lately. after lunch the other day i decided to video her saying all our names. her decision to call calvary "bubba" makes me laugh every time....

oliver jack is 3!

2012-01-04T10:41:00.000-08:00

last month oliver jack turned 3 years old and i still am not quite sure how i feel about it. i miss baby oliver jack. he is the kind of kid that goes so fast all of the time and is always finding mischief that it seems like he has never changed...but then i see a picture of his little baby face or a video of his chubby little legs walking around at our old house and i am struck with the reality of just how different he is. he is still mischievous, a charmer, funny, and my most quintessential kid kid.

he has a vocabulary that is quite impressive and, at times, disturbing.

he is a boy's boy...he loves to have swords and guns and pretend that he is in a fight with a bad guy or some animal. he often goes to sleep holding his "best fighting stick" and there is never a day that passes that i am not asked to put a sword down the back of his shirt that he can pull i out just in case a bad guy comes. his pockets are filled with cars and trucks. his belt loops are heavy laden with daggers and guns. he wants to race all the time and ride his bike as fast as he can down the hill.

he also loves to snuggle. he wants to be held and sit on a lap. i love to hold him because he always melts into my arms. he shrugs his shoulders up and buries his hands between me and him and lays his head on my shoulder. life doesn't get better than those moments.

he loves his brother and sisters. calvary is the victim of most of his aggravation--stealing his toys, coloring on his pictures, breaking his "fighting stick"--but at the same time he is also his greatest source of inspiration. he thrives on calvary's approval and the moments when calvary is accepting of him oliver jack's happiness is heart warming. harper is his mother hen...often times a suitable replacement for me and other times a preferred replacement. i love when he sneaks into my room and climbs into bed with harper and kyle and i find them later snuggled up sleeping. finley is just as she always has been...the adored little baby. he treats her as if she is made of glass. he brings her babies and blankets and tries his best to lay them out for her. they sit snuggled up on the couch and play so sweetly together. i cannot even explain how cute i think it is when he pushes her around on his bike and the bends over and says, "was that fun finley? did you like that finley?"

he is trouble. he is sneaky. he needs constant supervision. but he is joy. and the time is passing by so quickly. i love him so.

for this year...

2012-01-01T18:47:00.000-08:00

oh, how cute it is to make a resolution...

only eat pizza one time a month -- we eat pizza so often because it is the quickest and cheapest way to feed a large family...but i rarely enjoy the stuff anymore. i resolve to make pizza more enjoyable by limiting the number of times we partake of it.
be more accessible to friends and family-- i have worked harder this year at being present with family and friends but i want to continue to strive to be a presence in the lives of the people in our life. my granny was always there for everything and i would like for people to know that they can count on me like i knew that i could count on her. i may have to say no sometimes and i may come with four children in tow but i want my children to know that it is important to be invest in the lives dearest to them.
be financially disciplined-- kyle and i have always been disciplined when we have had to be disciplined when it comes to finances. however, in the moments that we had more room to wiggle we rarely show the same amount of financial fortitude. my goal this year is to strive to live on 70%, save 20%, and tithe 10%. it makes me nervous to even type such a goal because we have always just done what needed to be done and never really had a long term financial plan...so this is a first...and i am not sure what type of success rate i expect, but i feel like this is a step in a positive direction.
establish a home school for my children-- in august i plan to start homeschooling my children full force, but before that can happen there is so much to be done. i need to get legal, gather and develop a curriculum, get kyle to finish the home school room, prep the kids for what our days will look like, and purchase and stock a liquor cabinet (for me, not the kids). with all that it will take to make this goal a reality i feel that it merits its on spot on the resolution list.
sew more for my home and children-- i have gained so much experience over the past year and i am excited to take that experience and develop more projects for the new year. some goals for 2012 include making curtains for my kitchen and dining room, making cushions for seating, and make countless dresses for my girls.

this year has been a wonderful one. i am thankful for our new home and for the memories that we have made here. i have already marked four heights on the door of the bonus room and painted their hand prints on the wall. i have cleaned many, many, many hand prints from less desirable locations and washed hundreds of loads of laundry. we have snuggled in every room. we have shared countless meals over the tables in this house and some on a blanket on the floor. we have lived half of the year in plenty and half of the year in not so plenty. we have thanked God for our family and His provision. we have learned more what it means to be a family. this year has been a gift...and through all that we have learned and gained and struggled with and laughed about i am excited to see what this new year has in store for our little family.

friday's musings...

2011-12-30T17:54:00.000-08:00

things i am loving about this week...

visits from an old (not in body but in length and depth) friend.
my new toms...i have had 5 pairs including the ones harper wore and these are my favorite.
the anticipation of finally having my pictures framed and for the wall downstairs.
hearing finley call calvary "bubba".
the fact that she came up with this all on her own because she cannot say calvary.
wrapping this year up...it has been filled with lots of joy and excitement but also lots of stress and hard moments from which i am ready to move forward.
the possibilities that i am finally allowing myself to think about concerning homeschooling...there are so many things that are open for creativity and this prospect is a blank canvas...all of this = yummy yummy fun for me.
a new box of crayons and a fresh notebook full of blank paper.
being caught up on laundry.
watching finley sleep dangling one leg over the edge of the couch.
calvary and oliver jack playing batman together.
harper's love for baby dolls--she is still a little girl.
oliver jack's fluffy hair that sticks up on the sides.
chloe and emmi going to disney...i'm so excited for the memories which they were gifted with this christmas.
30 rock.
moments that remind me how much further i need to go in areas of generosity, kindness, and consideration. i have been shown such love and thoughtfulness and it makes me want to be more intuitive to the needs of others.
our driveway---our kids have already, in just one year, ridden their bikes, colored pictures, and bounced balls for countless hours on that driveway. i sure do love watching them play.
harper and calvary making "potions" out of water, mud, and grass.
the whitlow family...such a gift of grace and redemption...
jade's cute type writer thank you notes...perfectly vintage.

blah to the drama...

2011-12-27T21:08:00.000-08:00

i love having little girls. i love dressing them up in sweet little clothes and braiding their sweet smelling hair. i love their little shoes and the way they look in little tiny pea coats. i love to watch as they naturally begin to mother everything from dolls to toy cars. i love having someone with whom to share movies and books like a little princess. there are so many parts that i would never change...
but...
if i could skip the drama...
oh, how sweet life would truly be.
i'm not sure how asking someone to clean up the mess from under their bed leads to the following conversation but...i assure you...it does:

m: (said as sweetly as i could muster because this is an ongoing battle) you don't have to do it right now, but sometime tomorrow i would like you to clean out and organize your nightstand and the mess under your bed before it gets out of control.

h: i am the *only* one that has to clean up anything! why doesn't finley have to clean up anything?!

m: really? you didn't clean up anything when you were 1. and if you look around, finley didn't make any of the mess in here.

h: it is just not fair that i have to clean this up!

m: you act like your life is just so bad because i asked you to clean up your own mess! do you really think your life is so bad (said sarcastically)?

h: sometimes i do. when i am mad at you. because things don't ever go my way.

m: sigh.

i know it is just a statement said in a moment of aggravation but it is a statement that cuts deeper than it should. that harper...she knows how to get to me...and although most times she is sensitive and loving and wants nothing more than to be kind she has moments where she asserts her power and has this way of just knocking me back. i try not to take it personal but we work so hard...
i think so much about everything and i have been guilty of maybe thinking a little too much and sometimes i take things a little too personal but i think that is because i am completely invested in this family. fostering a wonderful life is what i pray about, strive for, and engage in and it is in those three words "sometimes i do" i am left feeling defeated. blah.
she apologized later and told me that she was wrong and i forgave her. we talked about how our words are powerful and we have to be careful how we use them. i also talked to her about how if her expectation for a good life was to have a life without responsibilities then she was not going to find it. but those are the moments that hurt.
so blah to girls and their drama...this is a no drama mama

oh liz lemon...

2011-12-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

i am mostly making myself write a post tonight because i realize that it has been far too long since i have written a "real" post and become far too easy for me simply let writing slide. i have been caught up in other responsibilities such as child rearing and while that can always be a valid excuse (it is basically the same as pulling the race card...the mom card is only slightly less effective) i have always managed to find time so it fails to excuse. this christmas season wore me out! between thanksgiving, oliver jack's birthday, decorating for christmas, finishing up school for the semester for the kids, doing advent activities, playing, baking, buying presents, making presents, wrapping presents, and sickness all the while trying to remember that we have taxes to pay on our home has made this season all encompassing. supercompassing. omnicompassing.
all of this has triggered the following chain reaction:

the kids are never in bed on time and have developed very erratic sleep habits which has consequently cut into my sans kid time in the evening.
finley has decided that she will never nap in her bed ever again and has made it clear that she makes the rules on this situation...not that we ever disagreed...thus forcing me to forfeit any type of true nap time. this time has been crucial for my home and self maintenance.
lots of holiday baking has been happening. in my home and in the homes of others. therefore my home is constantly filled with baked goods.
all of my sewing projects have required most of what is left of my evening diffusing time
i still need some moments just to sit and let the day fall out of my ears without somehow falling asleep at 9:00 because of all the sewing projects...
all of which lead to me sitting on the couch drinking coffee, eating holiday goodies, and watching countless episodes of 30 rock.

through this experience i have learned many things about myself.

i love 30 rock. i laughed out loud while everyone else in my house was asleep when liz lemon had knock off lasik and started crying out of her mouth.
i love coffee. i love how it is warm and rich and can be sweet without being decadent.
i love baked goods. i love how they can be paired perfectly with coffee.

mostly i have just learned how much i love 30 rock. all of the other stuff really isn't news to me at all. but the truth is that in the half hour i take watching 30 rock and drinking coffee is sometimes the only reminder i have that i am a person separate of my role as mother. the busyness of the season has slowly taken all of the little free time that i have and i had less and less time for myself. there were several times that i found myself in anticipation of getting home or going upstairs and watching 30 rock and i think mostly it is because those were the moments that i was wanting to claim some semblance of time for myself.
i love the time i have spent with my family but my decline into sitcom oblivion is but a cautionary tale for mother's every where to remember to take time for ourselves...

friday's musings...

2011-12-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

things i am loving about this week...
(late because i have been working diligently on my sewing machine)

no school
kyle taking days off of work
honey baked hams
honey smoked turkey breast
sweet neighbors bringing gifts over to the kids
the kids excitedly taking gifts to the neighbors
making sugar cookies with the kids
doing crafts with the kids
hearing the kids understand the deeper reasons we celebrate christmas because of our time using the truth in the tinsel
harper, calvary, and oliver jack wrapping up their toys to give to each other and everyone else. our christmas tree looks very impressive with the large amount of gifts underneath it as a result.
coffee helping me stay awake so i can sew.
jimmy fallon late night show...i've seen a lot of his face this week.

friday's musings...

2011-12-16T05:55:00.000-08:00

things i am loving about this week...

harper's generosity- she wants to give something to everyone and spends time diligently making and wrapping little gifts
oliver jack telling people that he is going to be "this age" while holding up three fingers
finley slept in her own bed the whole night last night (kind of sad too)
calvary carrying in his very modest gifts for his teachers with such pride and excitement reminding me of the true spirit of christmas.
finley licking her finger and sticking it in the sugar bowl.
harper and calvary finding four leaf clovers in our yard.
finley bringing clothes to me and insisting that i put them on her...she is such a doll.
watching shows on netflix with kyle even though i rarely make it past 9:00 because finley's random sleeping has kept me less than rested.
kyle's upcoming work schedule.
sending out christmas cards...finally!
mr. levi bringing the kids inflatable balls to play with.
making up games to play using the balls.
watching my children understand the story of christmas.
baking.
calvary saying that he is glad that we have a girl elf because she is good at cooking.
going downstairs at night to find harper and oliver jack snuggled up together asleep.
watching finley and calvary play together...she can do no wrong in that little boy's world.
harper drinking hot tea when she's sick.
when something happens during the week and i say, "i've got to remember to put that on my list this week!".
oliver jack telling me that he likes when i hold him because i am "soft".

friday's musings (a few days late)...

2011-12-11T18:56:00.001-08:00

things i am loving about this week:

finley's new "sad baby" face
people asking me if i have lost weight
truth in the tinsel
our elf on the shelf
harper naming our elf "holly holiday"
calvary praying that the elf does not come into his room again while he sleeps
having enough to be able to share with those less fortunate
having little enough to know what it is like to need
visitors
watching my kids play with their cousins
calvary writing apology letters
finley snuggling before bed
oliver jack still being 2
hearing oliver jack asking finley to "come over here and give me a hug" because she "looks so cute"
oliver jack sleeping with a stick off of a toy because it is his "best fighting stick".
the christmas ornaments that remind me of granny (which is most of them)
the christmas ornaments that remind my kids of granny and hearing them talk about her and what the remember about her and what they miss about her
brown paper packages arriving in the mail
making harper new dresses
harper loving them
calvary buying lunch in the school cafeteria
harper memorizing scripture just so she can get a prize out of the prize box at church
eating pizza three nights in a row because we are hanging out with friends and family
harper and calvary snuggling on the couch because they are "best friends"
kyle moving the elf at night because i am too sleepy to remember
kyle laughing at me when i say, "a billion times 1 still equals a billion" in my sleep

truth in the tinsel...

2011-12-06T05:50:00.001-08:00

i am never in a shortage of activities to do with my kids, especially around christmastime. we have already decorated pine cones and turned them into christmas ornaments, colored wooden cutouts galore, made a paper count down to christmas chain, used gel window clings to decorate their bedroom windows, colored endless pictures from coloring books, and i am sure the list is not quite complete...and it is only december 6. the kids are getting older and run the risk of getting caught up in the humanity of the season instead of remembering the divinity. i wanted to find a way to make learning about the miracle of christmas as fun as all of the secular fun of santa and reindeer and elves. while i was perusing the internet i stumbled upon the ebook truth in the tinsel. we bought it and after we printed the handouts i spent about an hour reading through the material. i was so happy to find something that helps me make the gospel accessible to my young children. i am only one day in to the book, but i am excited to keep working through it. i wanted to share this information in case there were other people looking for something similar!

friday's musings...

2011-12-02T05:47:00.001-08:00

things i am loving about this week...

christmas decorations
christmas lights
watching oliver jack's excitment over christmas lights as we drive down the road
harper's love for all things "nutcracker"
the sun shining through the tree tunnel on our way to school
oliver jack saying, "look mommy! Jesus is in there" as the light shines through the clouds
harper's bag of candy that she carries around and offers in a crunch to grouchy children
parades
baking holiday goodies
making christmas ornaments with my kids
watching harper, calvary, and oliver jack get so excited about doing any holiday activity
kyle coming home early from work
kyle not going to work
having all of our needs met
good friends
calvary only eating 5 biscuits for thanksgiving dinner
having pork chops instead of turkey
sewing projects
my boys in bow ties
making nightgowns out of curtains because i feel like maria from sound of music

a challenge for myself...

2011-11-29T05:43:00.001-08:00

http://theexcellentwife.com/2011/10/25/super-woman-vs-abiding-woman/

i came across this awesome chart on facebook yesterday and i have been encouraged and challenged by the stark differences between the all too familiar super woman and the more humble abiding woman. i do not claim to be either but i would be lying if i said that i did not feel a boost to my pride any time that someone has referred to me as "super mom" (which hasn't been often--maybe mostly in my dreams where all of my children are wrapped lovingly in my arms with sweet cherub smiles and perfectly brushed hair). and while there are so many moments of pure joy tied into this role as a parent most of those are the fruit of painstaking investment. i had a reality check when i read number 8 (she teaches her kids to be good versus she teaches her kids to be Godly). no other time do i feel as exposed as a parent as i do on holidays. i feel as if all of my successes and failures are laid out for everyone to analyze and judge and as a result i believe i put an unfair and unrealistic expectation of perfection for my children. my desire for their behavior is rooted in my own needs versus what is of eternal worth for them. for example, calvary at thanksgiving is a so stressful for me. i am torn between understanding him versus everyone else's opinions of him and how that reflects on me. i understand that between the excitement of seeing family and the stress of food prepared in unfamiliar settings and ways is sometimes more than he can appropriately process. but then i also hate the feeling of failure that comes with a meltdown only acceptable for a 2 year old. if they were practicing Godly habits like thankfulness and self-control then they would in turn be "good" but in that moment it is difficult for me to focus on being a loving parent over wanting my pride to be boosted by perfectly behaved children. not to say that his actions do not need discipline, but sometimes my motives as a parent are impure. leslie, over at authentic pursuit, spoke to my heart when she mentioned that parenting has a way of exposing our own predisposition to sin. i have realized, through looking over the list above and personal examination, that i sometimes strive more to be a super woman rather than an abiding woman. my desire is to be an abiding woman and therefore i am going to challenge myself to consciously choose (another inspiration from leslie's latest blog post titled "thankful") to be aware of the moments where i can either be an super woman or an abiding woman. i have noticed that the areas where my children struggle the most regarding their character are directly linked to the deficiencies in my character. my prayer is that through this challenge more fruits of God's sweet spirit will made evident through me.

harper has been at this school "for almost a whole year"...

2011-11-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

so obviously we knew it was time for a change.
the other day harper and i were riding in kyle's truck and harper made the comment that she had been at the school she is currently at the longest. and while she is not quite right (she made it through her entire kindergarten year) she will be correct in her statement by the end of this year.
however, in spite of the fact that harper has already been to three different schools, we have made the familial decision to home school in the fall.
gasp.

i have hesitated to write this entry for several reasons one of which being that i wanted to make sure that we were certain that this is what we wanted to pursue. i also wanted to make sure that most of our family new and would be supportive...i mean, this is a huge undertaking and i know that i will covet the support and prayers of our families throughout the process. and a little bit of me was scared of having to answer the question of "why?".
one day i want my kids to be able to look back and read this and think, "that's what they were thinking!" and i think that my blog is the perfect place to record the reasons behind our life altering decision.
let me first preface my apology by saying that this decision is in no way based on any sort of displeasure with the public school system that my children attend. on the contrary, their school is the very reason i wrestled with this decision so intently. we can all sit and think of the shortcomings or pitfalls of public education; we all know that they are there. however, few are willing to stand up and praise the efforts of a system that it is set up for failure and still fights feverishly to produce to successful, educated children. i never want anyone to assume that we left the public school system because it failed us.
sigh. so, the school system is NOT the reason. but what is?

the school system was doing everything that they could do but there was one aspect of their education that was missing that they school system could do nothing about: spiritual training. over the course of 4 children and the diversity of our home and their needs i have realized how little i care about how smart they are. i am sure that sounds pretty unintelligent but i believe that our culture puts a disproportionate value on intelligence over character. my children do not struggle academically for which i am thankful but after that i am more concerned with the conditions of their heart.
the school day is from 7:30-2:10. we get up at 6:15 and leave at 7:15. we get home at 2:30 and start homework at 3:00. we do homework from 3:00-4:00. i start dinner at 5:00. we eat between 5:30 and 6:00. we clean up until 6:30. we get bathed and ready for bed until 7:30. we watch a show until 8:00. that leaves us 1.5 hours of free time. so about 9 of the kids waking hours are spend dedicated to school. by the time that i have met all of the scholastic and physiological needs of my brood i am left with relatively no time for any psychological or spiritual need meeting time. that is just not okay with me.
i have the gift and great pleasure of being able to stay home with my kids. i realize that not all moms (or dads) can swing this and for that i am incredibly thankful. it is a gift to be home and i think there is no better way to invest in that gift than to educate my children at home. i know the reality of staying at home and i know that it is not always snuggles and nap time. quite often there are moments of impudence and wildness and i am not deluded to think that this will be easy. i am also not deluded to think that i have any idea of what this will be like at all...i just know that for me i have to think of this as a privilege and even on my darkest days remember that this a gift :).
i have teaching experience. although it is limited and by that i mean in time and grade and subject. but surely teenagers are not much different than grade schoolers, right? just kidding. what i plan to use from my experience teaching is the importance of planning. planning is everything in education. if i am going to do this i have to be prudent in my use of time. this has not always been my strongest attribute and quite honestly this is the part that overwhelms me the most. organization and planning do not come naturally for me. but, thankfully God allowed me to have the experience teaching high school english which allowed me to know the process of planning and developing strategies for success.
the support of our families and friends has been an invaluable contribution to our decision. i know there will be days where i question if this was the right step for our family and there will be days that i am so frustrated with behavior and morale that i might want to put them on whatever bus happens to pass by the house that morning. but with the support and accountability of our friends and family i know that i will have the appropriate places to vent and pull myself back together.
there are so many opportunities for kids that are home schooled to get plugged in socially. this is a big factor for me since we have a child that struggles socially. we also have children that thrive socially. but i would be lying if i thought about that more than i thought about calvary's struggles. just this afternoon i watched him try to interact with a complete stranger that was so painfully awkward that i wondered if i was making the right choice to take him out of school. i had to remind myself then and i will have to remind myself many times in the future that social ostracizing is not what will happen. i have to be diligent in plugging ourselves in and i am thankful that calvary's special needs will be the accountability i have to make sure it happens.

my goals as a home school mom are not any different from my goals as a public school mom: i want to raise children that are deeply rooted in their faith, that are successful on all levels, that are compassionate and generous to those around them, and that care deeply for each other and their family. all of this is said under my own convictions. i am in no way thinking that every parent should take their children out of school and start homeschooling. i do not think hope is lost for any kid in the public school system. on the contrary, i believe that there are wonderful, godly people at all the schools. my convictions are on a personal level. they are rooted in my belief that meeting the needs of my very large family left very little time for me to be successful in the spiritual training of my children. when i thought about this i could not rationalize the gain for the sacrifice. as i wrestled with this decision i remember looking at kyle one night as we sat on the couch and saying, "i just don't want to think one day 'i wish we would have...'" because i do not get a do-over.
so, there it is.
we are (almost) officially a home school family. and we are excited...mostly. there are so many things to do that at times it is overwhelming. but i know that this is the path that our family is meant to travel and i am excited to see the fruit that will undoubtedly develop in all of our lives as a result.

friday's musings...

2011-11-18T19:33:00.001-08:00

things i am loving about this week...

watching the kids play together in our woods.
the way the sun shines through the trees on the path kyle made.
going on pine cone hunts with the kids.
finley's new found love for her blanket and dolly.
wendy's free junior frosty coupons
running in to familiar faces while shopping.
seeing all of the kids snuggled up together to watch a movie for camp out...even if finley only lasted 1 minute.
the handprints of the kids on the bonus room wall.
watching harper and calvary climb trees.
listening to oliver jack sing "i'm in the lord's army" while he marches around the living room and kitchen.
harper's snaggly teeth slowly emerging from her gums.
oliver jack's "what did you say to me?" punch line to all of his knock knock jokes.
finley saying tushie.
peppermint mocha coffee
calvary hugging oliver jack when we come to visit him at school.

she makes me laugh...

2011-11-14T09:25:00.001-08:00

our neighbor put this little scarecrow in our yard the other day for the kids to enjoy. a few days later the scarecrow had wilted to a less enjoyable pose. as we walked by the decoration harper said, "that scarecrow is so ashamed."

at least she's smart and pretty...

2011-11-14T09:11:00.001-08:00

the other night at dinner we were praising harper's character for how she was entrusted to help a little girl in her class. i was going on and on about how this was evidence not of how smart she was or how pretty she was but how kind, loving, trustworthy, and responsible she is. much more valuable character traits than beauty or brains. at the end of my long discourse i asked harper how it was going. she responded with a sheepish grin, "i forgot her today."

the case for shame...

2011-11-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

sometimes i am surprised by the shame i still carry. the fact that i still carry the consequence of my actions is obvious but the consequence goes deeper than even a living, breathing little girl. i wrestle with the question of whether or not i have truly repented of my sin or if i am simply carrying it on my own hoping to some how find a way to allay myself into forgiveness. in some symbolic sense, my shame is likened to a scourge from which i seek atonement. i carry the weight of consequence mainly for how my choices have affected so many outside of myself. the ripple effect has been so unexpectedly large that sometimes the guilt is crippling. sin is not without consequence. the transparency of my own sin has been forgiven but the shame is what has helped me remember the weight of its cost. i am like david crying out, "o God, you see how foolish i am; and my wrongdoing is clear to you" (psalm 69:5). and now when i sing "never will i know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" i remember the weight of my burden and i sing with tears in my eyes because the shadow of its heaviness still presses on my heart. i once believed that walking in redemption would mean walking in total freedom. of course i would have the natural consequence of raising my daughter in a divided home, but that spiritually i would be free of shame. then i remember ezekiel 16 when jerusalem is referred to as an adulterous wife and the Lord says, "then, when i make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation" (ezekiel 16:63). in this reference shame is used as a tool of remembrance. how will i ever understand the depths from which i have been saved if i have not felt the singe of its burn? God is just; his love is deep enough to be hurt by our decisions. as jerusalem is compared to an adulterous wife, God's wrath is made evident. he keeps his covenant but the weight of forgiveness is not an easy load to bear. yet, the compassion of God is made evident as he says, "fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced...for a brief moment i abandoned you, but with deep compassion i will bring you back. in a surge of anger i hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness i will have compassion on you." (isaiah 54). the seeming paradox illustrates that there is a place for my shame in my relationship with God; as long as it crumples me to the ground at his feet then it serves its purpose. david's shame causes him to sing out in praise, "he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire" (psalm 40:2). and while from the outside i grow further and further away from that college dormitory nestled cozily in the hills of eastern tennessee, my shame reminds me of just how closely i am knit to the nature that rooted me in the pain of terrible choices. i am not where i was then. none of us are. harper is surrounded by love. i could not imagine the emotions of our situation being any better. we have, through only God, created a family for her. this family is rooted in compassion, love, and unbelievably at times, forgiveness. it could be easy to forget. i could at times hide my shame. i could pretend like nothing has happened. no one would have to know that the beginning of harper's story started out so broken. yet hiding my shame only fans hers. my prayer has been that harper would not have to carry the weight of my choices and although that is unlikely not reconciling my past or taking responsibility for my own actions only shifts the weight on to her. i never want her to carry my pain any more than i have already asked of her. if i was to become prideful or find myself righteous in anyway i would be denying the depth of His redemption. shame is the antidote for pride or self-righteousness. i must have been a pious little lady and yet i am thankful for my shame because it causes me to "remember therefore from where" i "have fallen" (revelation 2:5). from this view shame is not crippling or sad. it serves only as a reminder of just how sweet it is to be loved by Him...

friday's musings...

2011-11-11T05:31:00.001-08:00

things i am loving about this week...

oliver jack pushing finley on his bike.

oliver jack riding finley on the radio flyer trike with her arms wrapped around his middle.
finley laughing all the way.
watching finley, oliver jack, calvary, and harper play ring around the rosies.
finley and harper's new haircuts.
finley clasping her hands together and shrugging her shoulders and smiling with unspeakable glee anytime we mention anything she understands.
sneaking peeks into harper's ballet class to watch her dance.
the fact that oliver jack can still not reach the light switches...sigh...he's still a baby.
hearing the kids sing veggie tales songs.
finley standing against the time-out wall and fake crying.
giving the kids "pocky" and hearing them say "i love pocky!".
to contradict last week, all of the nice uninterrupted sleep i've been getting!
harper asking me to hug her and lay beside her when i tuck her in at night.
the moments this week where harper has willingly allowed me to correct her as we work through her homework...last year she would try to explain to me why her wrong answer was indeed right instead of looking for what could possibly be wrong. she is so much more teachable this year.
calvary wiping finley's nose with a tissue. maybe not a big deal to most, but it literally brought tears to my eyes. finley is the best therapy for calvary!
finley "telling" secrets.
harper, calvary, and oliver jack having pillow fights.
the sound of their laughter = joy.

friday's musings...

2011-11-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

things i am loving about this week:

secretly i love that oliver jack wants to come and sleep in our room at night.
i also secretly love that finley likes to cuddle and sometimes needs to sit on my lap to settle down to go to sleep.
oliver jack saying, "oh snap!".
calvary bringing home sheets upon sheets of things that he has done at free art time that are filled completely with 2+2=4, 11+1=12, 6+3=9, and so on and so on and so on...so foreign to me :)
harper working on christmas presents.
harper working on a birthday gift for her best friend. going through her stuff and picking out anything that she sees that is purple because purple is bria's favorite color.
celebrating awesome news with awesome friends.
calvary wanting to take his artwork from school to mr. and mrs. levi.
mrs. levi's excitement about calvary bringing his artwork to her and giving him tootsie rolls in exchange.
finley's love for coffee...she never gets more than a sip but boy oh boy does she love it.
a curtain in the play room.
finley "singing" with the cartoons.
harper finally starting to understand the heart of a battle we have been having for a few weeks.
not having satellite tv.
cutting our power bill in half because of the phenomenal weather.
trying to teach my kids how to play four-square.
harper making a treasure map and burying candy in the dirt as the treasure...and not using a box.
the end of the day when i am finally able to enjoy some time with just my family.
the anticipation of thanksgiving.
my husband's desire to take such good care of us...he is too good for me.

friday's musings...

2011-10-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

things i am loving about this week:

sleeping through the night with only one night time visitor...ahhh sweet slumber.
saving money by cutting satellite.
halloween costumes.
halloween candy.
holding hands with oliver jack.
watching finley hold out her little hand to hold hands with one of her siblings.
finley finally learned how to push herself on the little trike outside.
calvary pushing finley in the cozy coupe.
harper's sense of pride as she was entrusted with helping a new child with special needs in her class get to and from the cafeteria and to and from her special education class.
the sense of pride i felt in knowing that she has learned to appreciate and love people from many different backgrounds and feeling as if we, her family, has been partly responsible in fostering that heart.
calvary riding a school bus for the first time for a field trip--his excitement was contagious.
calvary trick-or-treating by saying, "the big bad wolf wants some candy!".
having coffee with a friend and realizing that i rarely get out.
play dates with kids and moms that i enjoy :)
oliver jack getting in the creek at the park and consequently getting himself covered in mud so that we have to strip him down to his skivvies to leave...oh the looks i get while i am out anyway coupled with this makes me one phenomenal spectacle.
kyle surprising me with candy and diet dr. pepper on his way home from work.
hand me downs

and now a word for our teachers...

2011-10-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

there are many people out in the world that are ready to bash the people that instruct our children daily. and there are many teachers that do not take the responsibility seriously and fail to realize the impact that they have not only on a child for a year but a child for a lifetime and their entire family.
as a former teacher i can admit that sometimes the daily maintence and sheer volume of bodies in the classroom can be a distraction and lead to careless mistakes that are fundamentally critical in a child's development. my prayer is that my heart was made evident and that i did more good than harm. but for the harm i caused, i pray for forgivness.
teaching is a huge responsibility. i will forever remember lady mcd orienting myself and other new teachers with james 3:1 that says, "not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly". i thought i understood the gravity of that statement as i instructed other's children but my understanding of the responsibility greatly evolved as i entrusted my own sweet babies to teachers other than myself.
i suddenly understood how easily a teacher could mess up my kid.

then i thought about calvary. i thought about all the things that i always think about with calvary. oh the thinks you can think :)

i have posted before about all of my apprehensions about calvary and school. and i have marvelled at how well he has transitioned into a classroom this year. i have watched as he has been excited day after day to learn new skills and how he mind has evolved to learn even more on his own. i have also been on the other end of phone calls from his teacher...not with news of problems, but with news of how well he has been doing.

just the other day i sat with his teacher for his conference and she told me how she makes sure that every morning she goes through the schedule for the day so that calvary will know exactly what to expect at every part of the day. she also told me that she has learned to decipher this "look" calvary gets on his face when he needs some time to difuse and she allows him to separate himself to the computers for a few minutes to gather himself. she also told me that calvary has made great strides in communicating his needs with her (a huge step for him). she told me that when he gets nervous he starts to pace in place almost like a boxer. she also told me that he has a habit of jumping up and down when he is exceptionally excited or in need of talking with her. she told me that he hates to get things wrong...but she is working with him to understand that as long as he tries his best he has done a great thing.

as she spoke i felt the gratitude well up in my chest. this teacher was an answer to my prayers. you see, this entire year i have prayed that his teacher would see calvary for who he is...and i know without a doubt that this teacher knows calvary's heart. she took the time to learn all about him.

i wanted to tell her what a blessing she was to our life and as i did tears unexpectedly pooled up in my eyes. i felt silly. but this is my child. this is my son whom i have loved before he was even born. this is my son whom i have grieved my inability at times to understand, correct, or comfort.

what a gift she has been not only to my son but to our entire family.

fridays musings...

2011-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

things i am loving about life this week:

finley's little laugh...she is thinking more and more things are laugh out loud funny and it is becoming more and more exciting to figure out what sets her off.
calvary's beautiful little mind and figuring out how it works.
watching harper and calvary walk out to the car with harper's arms wrapped lovingly and protectively around his shoulders. i just thought i loved watching them hold hands; but this i might love even more.
kyle's excitment about doing something about which he is passionate.
snuggling with oliver jack and finley in the mornings after we drop harper and calvary off at school. this has become my new motivation for getting all the beds made before drop off instead of after.
learning how to be more responsible...i.e: behaving like a grown up.
sewing projects.
sewing projects that lead to more creative projects.
friends that join in the fun of sewing projects that lead to more creative projects.
praying about big life decisions and receiving the peace that i needed to be excited about the future!
finley in a vintage baby dress reading a book in my adored yellow chair.
oliver jack looking over at finley in the car and saying, "mommy, finley is beautiful. she's a princess.".
oliver jack asking me for a "beautiful push" on his bike.
teachers that are patient enough to learn the special needs of children.
reading through the stack of harper's writing samples at school that have all been about how much she loves her family...sometimes she puts up such a front at home that it is nice to have these moments when i realize that she really does love me :)
harper and calvary begging to have a sleepover.
oliver jack wanting me to kiss his hands before bed so that he can keep those kisses "just in case he needs them".
friends that just get me.

homeless harper the happy hobo...

2011-10-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

over the past years harper has earned herself a less than favorable reputation. she, without any hesitation, will eat candy from any location---be it the floor, the trashcan, or any parking lot anywhere. i have to tell my seven year old child that she cannot eat candy from the parking lots. she, also without hesitation, will eat leftovers from the trashcan if she finds them desirable. she also eats her food as if at any given point someone will suddenly try to reach over and grab it.
it is for these reasons that harper has earned herself the nickname "homeless harper the happy hobo". she has mostly eluded any pictorial or video evidence of her less than lady-like behavior, but the other night, under the guise of filming something finley was doing at the table, i was able to catch harper at her best.
it needs to be emphasized that no part of this is staged. harper did not realize that i was filming her or even paying her any attention. she only saw the crumbs of finley's cupcake and noodles of her leftover spaghetti.

kyle also wanted me to mention that just yesterday harper found a wrapper in her trick or treat bag from last year that still had chocolate on it. what did she do? she licked the chocolate off of the wrapper. yep. homeless harper strikes again.

vintage finley (at 16 months)...

2011-10-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

today we had a little impromptu photo shoot with little finley rose. it all started with her finding and retrieving to me a little antique baby gown. she wanted me to put it on her, and even though finley is not incredibly vocal, her requests will be made known if a person is willing to figure out her clues. i tried to explain to her that there was no way the gown would fit on her because it is intended for newborns...she remained fervent in her desire. imagine my shock when i put my precious 16 month old baby in the little dress and it fit...not only did it fit but she looked so sweet and oddly perfectly vintage that she didn't even seem anachronistic. i just knew i had to take some pictures. so i took one of our yellow dining room chairs outside and took as many pictures as the boys would allow (5 minutes). i am so happy that she wanted to wear the dress and extra happy that i have pictures of how sweet she looked. sad for me to realize that she is quickly growing and yet this is how i'll remember her.

friday musings...

2011-10-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

things i am loving about life this week:

how the kids call a group cuddle time a "snuggle pot". ("come get in the snuggle pot daddy!")
watching finley do her version of a run to greet kyle when he gets home. her joy is precious and makes me fall even more in love with kyle.
after i squished calvary into several uncomfortable positions all the while asking him, "would you let me sleep in here like this?" he finally told me, "i would sleep any way you wanted as long as you were in here..." (melt this momma's heart)
finley's love for bare bellies...especially mine and jack's...i think she has a thing for squishy.
harper's laugh...basically the sound of true joy...i think heaven will ring with the sounds of that laugh.
kyle sending me sweet texts during the day.
oliver jack's recent transition from always wanting to be the bad guy (yikes!) to suddenly wanting to be a musketeer so that finley can be the princess that needs to be saved.
calvary finding words that he knows everywhere and in every thing...it is as if he is looking at a magic picture and the image is suddenly jumping out from behind all of the squiggly lines and fuzzy colors. he sees words within words, words made out of tree limbs, words made out of noodles, words on signs, and wherever he can imagine they are.
my new haircut...well it is three weeks old...but i am finally getting used to it and figuring out how to style it myself. it is funny how a haircut can make me feel totally different yet totally like myself at the same time.
coffee. enough said.
clean windows.
curtain tie back hooks installed in my bedroom so i can pull the curtains back and see the woods (thanks kyle :) ).
calvary riding his big wheel full speed down the hill of our driveway and then power sliding around in the grass.
kyle working on the tree house.
the kids playing restaurant out there and asking me to make them signs for fast food restaurants.
days off of school...nothing better than us all being together.
watching harper eat like a starved chipmunk.
finley's empathy. i joke that she is not so smart but she can sit on my lap and watch me read a story about a missing child and even though i am not crying my body language must evoke to her that something is wrong because she suddenly gets concerned and turns to me and gives me her "sad baby" face...she is definitely in touch with those around her.
feeling excited for the family across the street as they move into their new house. i am so excited for them! i remember what it was like to move in to your brand new home and it just makes me happy for them knowing what they are feeling...
having a thankful heart.

friday musings...

2011-10-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

things i am loving about life this week...

finley saying the word "tushie" and pointing to her belly.
harper's missing two front teeth.
playing tag.
the fact that calvary is just about too fast for me to catch him while playing tag.
oliver jack cried for me when someone broke one of my favorite bowls.
listening to calvary read.
good conversations with awesome friends.
my pink lemonade colored mums for my front porch.
the awesome asphalt apron for our driveway...we love it!
watching finley check on anyone that is crying or hurt.
harper's motherly nature as she plays with finley.
snuggling while watching movies with the windows open and cool, fall air breezing in.

finding balance...

2011-10-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

it is no secret that housework usually falls victim to neglect in this household and i have struggled with finding the balance between doing the things i really want to do (make memories with my family) and the things that need to be done (laundry, dishes, toilets...). over the years i have developed many fad-type solutions that start strong and quickly fade away into failure. and then there i am. standing in a sea of filth with happy children. their happiness dissolves once their dear old mom loses it as i stare at an enormous pile of laundry that seems insurmountable. the living areas begin to implode because even though my children have absolutely no qualms with creating enormous messes they refuse to play in that mess. they only like rooms that have the maximum potential for destruction.
after doing a personality study at a professional development seminar while i was teaching i learned so much about my personality and why it was sometimes difficult for me to be understood by my principal...you see i, myself and an art teacher were the ONLY teachers in the entire high school that had a type I personality. better yet, the head of my department also happened to be my principal and she had a type C personality. i learned that day that type I personalities drove type C people crazy. awesome. anyway, that's for a whole other post.
but in learning about my personality i realized why i struggled so much with housework.
according to chris witt's (speaker, coach, author) a person with type I personality at their best can*:

communicate a vision, mission or goal, in a way that inspires others to adopt it and work toward achieving it
be enthusiastic and creative
see the best in others and help them to believe in their abilities

most of these characteristics lend themselves awesomely to one side of being a great parent and teacher. i love to do things in a new and exciting way. and there are only so many ways that you can clean a toilet and none of those ways are inspiring.
witt goes on to say that at a type I's worst they can*:

shirk your homework, relying on your ability to talk your way out of any trouble.
lack follow--through rarely finishing what you begin
be superficial and glib

well then. i am most resistant to hold on to the concept of being superficial and glib but seeing how the other two are spot on for me i am sadly beginning the think that the reality is that i most be both. lack of follow and shirking other responsibilities that seem mundane are exactly the reasons why i struggle so much with the maintenance side of being a great parent and teacher. i would much rather build a train track then fold laundry and i would much rather discuss a great novel then write lesson plans. but all of it needs to be done.

as a proactive means of self-improvement witt offers ways to help be at my best*:

develop time management skills
listen. question. pause. consider.
be more discriminating. learn how to appraise people more realistically.
resist the urge to do something new. rein in your impulses.

basically all of my fad moments of genius were just tell-tale type I moments. i thought in those moments i was overcoming all of my personality flaws and becoming the best mommy/housewife the world had ever seen. not so.
since i started to realize my own shortcomings as it comes to this side of maintenance and order i have started to rely on others for guidance. i have taken bits and pieces of realistic genius and added it to my own life and the results have been magical (a bit of drama makes this subject a little less boring). developing time management skills was an overwhelming concept for me so i am grateful that it is something in which other people are gifted.
so here is my list of borrowed house maintenance tips that have become of treasure trove of sanity for my home.

NO TOYS DOWNSTAIRS. this one comes from christy. it looks differently in her house because her rule is no toys in the living room/kitchen. but the heart of the law is that to have a functioning home kid stuff cannot completely take over. it is easier to maintain their mess if it is limited to a certain area. of course we let this rule slide when friends are over or for special circumstances, but for the most part my downstairs keeps a certain level of clutter free wonderfulness that no one complains.
NEVER GO TO BED WITH DISHES IN THE SINK. this one comes from alli. this has really been an easy way to truly start each day fresh. there is nothing worse than having to deal with yesterday's dirty dishes first thing in the morning.
ONLY WASH WHAT WILL BE DRIED AND PUT AWAY. this one comes from christy too and it has saved my laundry life. i used to be victim of washing every load and piling it in a corner until i had time to fold and put away. but now i feel like i get more laundry done and i never have piles of clean clothes cluttering up my bedroom.
CLEAN ONE EXTRA ROOM A DAY. this is my own. but it has actually worked for me. instead of trying to clean every room one day i work at maintaining the common rooms like the bonus room and the kitchen and then each night i try and clean one other room...like our bathroom or the kids bathroom.
MAKE THE BEDS. this one comes from my mom. she always had us make our beds or she made them and i never really understood the need for that. but it is such a simple way to make things feel tidy. and i love tidy.

my house work list of commandments, although borrowed and amended, have made it to where i am rarely facing the stress of anxiety of preparing for a visit. i am not embarrassed to have someone unexpectedly show up. and as a whole we are happier and coincidentally able to spend more time together...

i definitely welcome any other ideas for house maintenance simplicity...Lord knows i can't really come up with them on my own.

*http://www.wittcom.com/DISC_I_personality.htm

finley rose is 15 months old!!!

2011-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

finley in the woods...

september marked finley's 15th month of life on the outside. she is (kind of) growing and (kind of) changing everyday.

the truth is that i find it difficult to hide my surprise when someone tells me how big she has gotten. mostly because i know the only thing that has really grown on her is her hair. at the doctor's office the other day she measured in at the 5th percentile and the <5th percentile for weight. i make jokes about her not being very smart but i really think that she is really just very quiet. she knows exactly what is going on around her but the fact that she is delightfully content paired with her naturally quiet disposition leaves her with little to say or complain about. she mostly wants to cuddle. and even though she is officially weaned she still craves the closeness. she has absolutely no interest in nursing, but she constantly brushes my hair out of the way or pulls at my clothes just to put her cheek against my skin. i can't say that i hate that. she occasionally wakes in the middle of the night and she will go back to sleep straight away only if she is laying on one of our chests. she is a pretty good sport but unlike oliver jack she is less smitten with her older brothers and sister. she loves calvary because he keeps the most distance. he, having written the book on personal space, is the only one of her siblings that seems to realize that she is indeed a real person and even though it may be funny to dress her up in build a bear clothes or mommy's pants like some sort of hooded long skirt she might have her own agenda. for that reason she usually gravitates to him. harper is sort of wearing out her welcome. finley's patience has been worn thin, but harper is slowly winning her over with her new game where finley is the princess and harper is her servant. all finley cares about is the fact that harper lets her carry around a purse. perhaps one of my most favorite things is finley's empathetic side. she does not like to see people upset or hurt. after watching me comfort someone after a fall or sibling argument she will often times offer a hug or gentle pat on the back. she loves to hug oliver jack and she squeals with laughter to kiss him at nap time. she's not without her flaws...she is getting quite used to being doted upon and her picky eating rivals that of her father's...but she is a delightful gift. every moment is a blessing. and i become increasingly aware of that fact every single day...

she loves to cuddle...

she is silly

15 months old

she loves her brother...

friday musings...

2011-09-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

things i am loving this week:

the story that harper raised her hand and asked her teacher if she could go give calvary a hug when she saw his class happen to walk past the hall.
her teacher let her.
and i might love even more that calvary was the one who excitedly relayed this story to me the minute he crawled into the car at pick up.
watching calvary and harper hold hands as they walk out of the school to get into the van.
finley's ruffle birdie print pants.
oliver jack kissing finley's cheek before nap.
how finley refuses to hold anyone else's hand during prayer time besides calvary.
watching the kids eat popsicles on the porch after school.
kyle building a tree house for the kids.
hearing oliver jack say, "thank you mommy for making this" every night at dinner.
hanging out with friends.
hearing oliver jack recite a nursery rhyme.
the dollar store...and how harper always picks office supplies, calvary always picks something that amazingly breaks immediately, and oliver jack always picks a weapon.

friday's musings...

2011-09-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

no better way to start the weekend then to think about all of the things that i am loving about life right now...

finley sleeping on my chest right this very minute. i rubbed my hands across her back and i had a nostalgic moment of running my hands across a very pregnant belly two junes ago...
the freckles across the bridge of oliver jack's nose...
calvary's giddy laugh when i come in to his room to check on him at night and how he scoots over so we can snuggle...
harper's sweet love note that she left under my pillow so i would find it right before bed...
watching the excitement of the kids when they hear the door open and shut when kyle comes home...
watching harper and calvary hug and kiss each other as they part ways in front of the school each morning...
kyle's hugs...
taking harper to ballet; those moments with just the two of us are precious and few.
calvary's lack of self-consciousness when it comes to fashion (high striped socks, leg warmers, and in-side-out jackets) because it completely contradicts his self-consciousness when it comes to every thing else...
campfires in our woods. so many things about that statement make me happy...the fact that it is fall and campfires are appropriate, the fact that our family is together, and the fact that it is *our* woods...
how at the mere hint of rain my kids think that it is movie time. oliver jack watched the leaves blow in the wind and he said, "you see it blowing mommy? we better go inside and watch a uubi."
walking in this morning and seeing oliver jack and harper snuggled up in her bed while she read books to him...
seeing calvary excited about starting to read all by himself...
the time after the kids go to sleep where kyle and i can have a couple of hours to ourselves...
the time just after nap time when jack wants to snuggle...

she takes after her sister...

2011-09-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

finley rose...15 months old

finley rose....4 months old

the more i learn...

2011-09-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

i realize how little i know.

every day i learn a little more about this parenting gig. and somehow every day everything that i learn seems to totally up heave everything that i thought that i knew. i find myself having thoughts like, "i only thought i was sad when harper went to school...it will only be when finley goes to school that i will truly realize how much this hurts". i am more and more conscious of the fact that i have no idea what i am walking in to...

this sunday i was sitting in church and on one side of me was my wonderful husband that i love with all of my heart and on the other side of me was my baby brother and his sweet, strong wife. and at one point i thought to myself (as i apparently do often) that i would be so happy if one day my children were sitting happily praising God in church with their families...and all at once...as if God himself captured my thoughts...an image of my older brother flashed in my mind.

as much joy as nicholas and i bring my parents their hearts are constantly grieving. michael is unhappy. he is lost in the sorrow of emptiness. and my parents do not grieve his absence with the pride of someone who is embarrassed of something broken but with the broken heartedness of someone who has lost a great treasure.

i don't pretend to be a theologian but it is in these moments that i feel like i catch a glimpse of God's character that makes me wonder how anyone could or would believe that God would want any of his own children to be lost for eternity. God's love is so much greater than the love of two fallen parents and yet my parents sit waiting, hoping, yearning for the day that my brother sits beside us all whole. not perfect. just whole. if that is the image of my own parents how much more does God long to have him return?

the love i once had was limited to the love of a daughter or the love of a sister. i never wanted to disappoint my parents and i wanted my brothers to be happy. but then i became a mother and everything changed. i cannot imagine the pain that my parents have felt only because the pain i have now through empathy i know pales in comparison to the real deal. i have learned that their pain is not a selfish pain. their pain is a pain rooted in the despair they feel knowing that he is hurting. even in the times that he doesn't realize he is hurting. i no longer feel like the jealous brother that wonders why my father celebrates the return of my self-exiled brother. instead, i anxiously wait on the day that i can look to my left and see him there.

my own children are only babies. i have only had to loosen my grip enough to let them wear crazy socks or choose dance over soccer. moments like sunday are moments that cement how little i understand what it is i am up against. my prayer today is that i can consecrate my children into God's hands. that i will trust God to take care of them in my admission that i cannot pave their way. i pray for my brother's return...

i am thankful for the love of God; he never gives up.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they bring such joy.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to be less selfish.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to live simply.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us how to love.

harper lost her first top tooth...

2011-09-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

before the action

(picture compliments of calvary)

after: the toothless wonder

harper has been wiggling this top tooth since last school year. it takes her quite a while to actually work the tooth enough for it to be ready to be lost, but she finally had enough. the tooth was completely disconnected on one side and stubbornly hanging on to the other side. kyle took a piece of floss and looped it around the edge and gave a quick yank...the tooth never stood a chance to kyle's brawn. i have to give it to harper; she is incredibly tough when she wants something. kyle and harper wrestled with that tooth for a solid week before they finally reached their limit. harper wanted to go to a yard sale and wanted the tooth fairy's money to spend. i'm not sure why she wanted to go to a yard sale so desperately. i used to call her a hoarder, but i think she is more of a picker. she went to sleep friday night a happy and excited little girl.

oliver jack kicked the habit!

2011-09-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

this week oliver jack passed his pacifiers on to the paci fairy. i know, i know...people cannot believe that we let him have a pacifier for this long, but the reality is that it really isn't a big deal to me. harper had hers until she was almost 3. calvary gave his up close to 3. and oliver jack follows suit. one morning, after riding calvary's bike for a few days, oliver jack mentioned that he wanted his own bike. i told him that when he is ready to give his paci up the paci fairy might bring him a bike. his excitement was hand flapping obvious and he said he wanted to give them up that night! we ran with it and, keeping the murray tradition, he talked to the paci fairy on the phone, tied his paci to the tree, and went to bed without his beloved paci. he has not shed a single tear. he let go of his paci without any of the drama that harper had...(please, mommy...just tell me you know its hard...tell me you understand) or the midnight cries of calvary. he had a difficult time falling asleep that first night but i think that may have more to do with his excitement rather withdrawals.

the next morning he woke up and found a shiny new bike sitting under the same tree where he left his paci. he was so excited he could hardly handle it. ...hands were flapping, feet were rarely on the ground... he has been riding his bike every day and has figured out the pedals and even figured out how to brake...which is a good thing for going top speed down our drive way. the only sad part about the whole deal is the all too familiar recognition that he is growing up. he looks so big on the seat of his "rocket bike". he is loosing so much of that baby chub and starting to look more and more like a real boy. but mostly i am just proud of him...

2011-09-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

granny.

i never knew her as anything else. some have called her mother, sister, co-worker, or friend but i knew her as granny. the name strikes me as ill-fitting now. actually, i always thought that when i mentioned my granny to friends outside of family that i needed to follow up with a clarifying statement because my granny was indeed not the granny i visualize when i hear that word. usually i picture a sweet, little old lady sitting in a rocking chair with her glasses perched on the edge of her nose while she knits. i'm not sure what she is knitting, but in my mind a granny always knits. my granny. she didn't sit in a rocking chair. she didn't wear her glasses perched on the end of her nose. she didn't wear her gray hair in a bun on the top of her head. and she definitely did not knit. i would have loved if she did any of those things, because it would have been her. but my granny. my granny was fierce. fiercely independent and fiercely tenacious.

i called my son "sweetheart" the other day and the emotions swept over me like an unexpected thunderstorm. i remembered how she would answer the phone and say, "hello, sweetheart!". i remembered all of the times she told me she loved me followed by the same name. i cried for missing her. my world is a little lonelier without her.

i like to read...

2011-09-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

one of the greatest tragedies of mothering for me has been the lack of time that i have carved out for reading. sometimes i even forget how much i enjoy reading. i talk about how i used to love to read and that person has become so separate from the person that i am now that it is almost like i am talking about someone else. but recently i fell off the wagon. i picked up a book and three days later i am still processing what i have read and craving more. kyle is my pusher. maybe it is because he is the most darling husband in the world and he likes to see me happy or maybe it is because football is in full swing and he hopes my nose will be buried in a book therefore neglecting any and all housewives shows freeing the tv, but he keeps offering to bring me a book making it painfully aware that even he is struck by the oddity that i read a book. but it happened.
i started reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and i fell in love with it all over again. i read it once before while i was in college. well, let me clarify. i read it once while i was in college, going through an unexpected pregnancy and running to the wrong things while running away from the right things. i aligned myself with sarah. i aligned kyle with michael hosea. and i was so blinded by my own situation that i failed to digest all the beautiful parts of the story.
this time, as a mother, i grieved the devastation of sarah's lost childhood. the abuse disgusted me. and i thought about all of the children in the world that are not fiction that live the reality of this prose and i cried. this time i didn't think of myself as sarah but one of my own children. somehow it seemed so much more unbearable for me. even though i have already read the novel in its entirety once before, i had to keep reading just to make sure that things turned out alright.
at one point sarah acknowledges michael's notion of God by asking him where God was when she was being raped as an 8 year old little girl, or when she watched her mother grieve over the neglect of alex, or any of the other terrible moments of her life and thought how difficult it has to be to reconcile God to a person's life in moments like that. i have read the poem about sand and footsteps and i appreciate the beauty of knowing that God is constantly present in my life but that is because my faith has already been established. and even though my faith has been established that does not mean that it has not be shaken. i have cried out, "oh God, where are you in this moment!?" thinking that he has left me only to realize later that he had not. but what about the people that have not established a relationship with God yet? my heart is broken for the people that believe that they are facing the world on their own.
at one point sarah tells michael, "i want to be free michael, just for once in my whole life i want to be free." to which he responds, "you are free. you just don't know it yet." and the more i think about the concept of freedom and God i keep coming back to the reality of sin and consequence. sarah didn't set initiate the pendulum of terrible events in her life but the fact is that she carried the weight of her mother's sin. and then her mother's sin turned into her own. and then she was so deep in the miry clay that it seemed like the only way out was to be suffocated by it.
we have two choices. we can either accept the sin and consequently accept death. or we can accept the consequence and the truth that freedom truly does come at a cost.
to me it seems like an easy choice but as michael says, "for some of us, one mile can be more to walk than 30".
i wanted to keep reading. i wanted the story to continue and kyle sweetly suggested finding out if there was a sequel to which i told him that once the main character is dead there are really not any open doors for a sequel. and truthfully, francine rivers does a tremendous job of tying up all lose ends and offering complete closure for her readers.
it's just that reading this book was like watching hope. the last book i read was in 2009. no joke; i blogged about it too. The 5 People you Meet in Heaven left me feeling isolated and offered no answer to the question of "where are you God?". Redeeming Love not only challenged my ideas that God has ever left us but made me fall more in love with Him. instead of wondering what did i do to deserve any bad thing that has ever happened to me, i am left wondering what did i do to deserve a God like this to love a person like me?

dust in the nursery

2011-09-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ruth Hubert Hamiliton
originally published as "Song for a Fifth Child"

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth

empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

hang out the washing and butter the bread,

sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew

and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo

but I'm playing Kanga and this is my roo.

Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?

(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

hugs...

2011-09-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

when i tuck calvary in at night i always pray that he sleeps soundly wrapped up snug in God's love. tonight, after i said the words, calvary reached out his arms and hugged himself and said "come here God and give me a big hug!" i laughed and started to leave the room. when i got to the door way he said, "you know, when you hug yourself you are hugging God".
i love that little boy. his mind is such a precious gift and i am thankful that God shared that gift with me.

the importance of good spelling...

2011-09-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

she aims high

every week harper and calvary bring home countless papers and pieces of artwork from school. i would like to say that i spend a good deal of time combing each page individually but usually i just glean areas of strengths and weaknesses and give the appropriate amounts of ooohs and ahhhs over their use of stencils and colors.
but every once in a while i come across something that is beyond anything i could anticipate.

harper was already at school when i found this jewel. harper is a phenomenal reader, but not a great speller. sometimes this leads to rather humorous mistakes. as i read my daughter's words, "i want a hore one day. she will be abal to run fast. i will teach her to jump. and she will be the best houre ever.", i tried to figure out what could be her intention. surely my daughter wants more in life than to be a pimp to athletic whores. i feel as if i have instilled values that would take her down a different path. one without women of the night. i guess on the positive side, at least she was wanting to own a whore instead of be one herself. i wondered what her teacher thought. i also wondered how she even knew what a whore was. overall, i was deeply concerned.

then i flipped the picture over and laughed.

she meant a horse! of course. it was at this moment that i realized that i need to work on harper and her spelling.

party of four...

2011-09-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

harper is always a gracious hostess when she has a tea party. she is careful to meet all the needs of each of her guests, regardless of how difficult that may be.

oliver jack is slowly becoming more and more refined...and he even left his boogie board a few feet away from the party. this will be his only chance at cotillion so we are putting a lot of pressure on harper to teach him etiquette.

calvary has mastered the art of the tea party since he has been harper's main guest ever since these shindigs begun oh so many years ago.

and some people need more work...finley has clearly not learned that the creamer cup is not meant for guzzling like some sort of parched giant. the work is hard and the laborers few...

the hostess takes a moment to enjoy the fruit of her labor.

and calvary is either really upset about finley's lack of proper tea party etiquette or he is worried that his manhood is somewhat jeopardized by sipping kool-aid from tiny porcelain cups. either way, he is letting his opinion known.

at the end of the day i may not be able to give my children every toy that they have asked for or fulfilled every want. the Lord knows i have wanted to have that ability. but the gift i have given them is the gift of each other. my prayer is that they love each other always and laugh with each other daily. what a blessing it is to have a tea party with people instead of stuffed animals...

grass and parenthood...

2011-09-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes i like to mow the grass because it feels more productive than parenting...

it's okay to shop boutiques...

2011-08-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

if the same child can wear the same dress for multiple years...

the picture above is harper on her first day of kindergarten.

the picture below is harper in second grade.

lunch box drama...

2011-08-31T05:36:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder why certain things always seem to happen to calvary. the one child in this family that finds it almost impossible (read: always impossible) to brush off big or small mishaps constantly is faced with almost all of those situations.
who was the kid that was walking too closely to the car and ran into the sliding door as it opened? calvary.
who was the kid that was given the defective toy in the happy meal box? calvary.
who was the kid that had an ice cream cone (on his second cone ever) with a hole in it? calvary.

maybe this is God's way of helping him learn to face the inevitability of life not going as we expect or plan. but i am not sure if calvary is ever going to be able to face these types of upsets with grace.
for instance, calvary has had a phenomenal transition into school. he has by far exceeded my expectations on every level. the only issues we have had are all centered around his lunchbox.
the first issue we had proves that i am an awesome mother. and it may even explain why calvary is the way he is. on the second day of school...let me emphasize THE VERY SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL THAT CALVARY HAS EVER ATTENDED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE...i switched his sandwich with harper's.
that may not sound like a big deal but calvary is allergic to peanuts and his sandwhich was a nutella sandwich while harper's was peanut butter and jelly. if this would have happened to harper she would have told her teacher and known that all would be well. calvary thought the world would end.
a few minutes after his discovery i received a phone call from the school nurse that went like this:
n: mrs. murray, this is so-and-so at blah blah school.
m: oh, hi!
n: yes, um, calvary has peanut butter and jelly for lunch today? (an aire of her opinion of my own stupidity rang clearly and loudly at this point, but i don't really blame her)
m: oh my! i must have switched harper and calvary's lunch!
n: that's okay. he refused to eat it so we thought we would call. so harper has his lunch?
m: yes. and i am so sorry. i know what him refusing to eat it looked like so i apologize for that too. (anyone that knows calvary knows that "refusing to eat it" is a nice way of saying "that kid really flipped his lid over that sandwich")

we hung up and i was feeling overwhelmingly guilty and i just wanted to check on calvary. so i grabbed oliver jack and finley and headed down to the school. it was then that i received my second phone call...

m: hello?
n: yes, this is so-and-so from blah blah school again.
m: okay.
n: harper has peanut butter and jelly too. (again, her opinion of my stupidity and incompetence as a mother reigns high)
m: oh my goodness! i have no idea what i was thinking! i am on my way up there right now. i will be there in a couple of minutes.
n: okay. it happens to all of us. (really? she doesn't even believe it as she says it, but i appreciate the courtesy)

i get to the school and calvary is all smiles. my heart is relieved but i am still way confused as to how i made such a colossal mistake. i called kyle to tell him what a horrible mother i am and he told me that i did make one chocolate sandwich and one peanut butter sandwich (he eats the crust for his breakfast :) ). i feel relieved a little. and i chock this up to one of those "only calvary" moments.

a few days later i receive another phone call from the school. this time it was from the assistant teacher in his class...

m: hello?
mrs.b: hi, this is so-and so from calvary's class. he forgot to bring his lunch today.
m: oh, where could he have left it?!
mrs.b: i am not sure. he already checked the cafeteria, but i guess i should have checked after him.
m: that's okay, i am not far from the school so i will check the car and if it is there i will bring it, but even if it is not i will just make another one and bring it up to the school just in case.
mrs. b: okay, that will be great. he was really upset (read: he totally flipped out) and i tried to reassure him by telling him that we would call you and if we couldn't get in touch with you that he could just eat in the cafeteria. but that only made him more upset. do you guys have a rule that they are not allowed to eat in the cafeteria? (read: he went totally insane and the only explanation is that eating in the cafeteria is against your political or religious beliefs)
m: no, but calvary is very particular. not picky because he eats a wide variety of foods; but he is very particular about their source. in his mind eating in the cafeteria is the same as eating out of the garbage can. we have nothing against the cafeteria and maybe by the end of the year we will be able to get calvary to try some things but i am not sure.
mrs. b: okay, i will let him know that you are on your way. thank you so much.
m: thank you for calling.

after school i asked him about the events of the day and he responded, "i surely did cry". i tried to explain that these are the little deals in life. we can always fix these problems and that if this ever happens again to remember that he doesn't have to get upset. he responded, "it better not happen again."

sometimes things happen to calvary that no one would handle with grace, but most of the times the things that happen to calvary that send him into a fit are things that most people could handle with grace. maybe that is why it seems like more happens to him. he doesn't actually encounter more mishaps; he just calls more attention to those events. my evidence? harper left her lunchbox in the car this morning. i saw it when i got finley out of her seat after dropping her off. no phone call.

she's an old pro...

2011-08-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

finley was broken hearted and jack refused to acknowledge that it was happening and calvary could hardly face the truth that today was the day that harper was leaving... :)

harper actually started school the day before calvary and even though this is her third year starting school i feel like i would be completely amiss if i did not do some bragging on her alongside her brother.

one of my favorite characteristics of harper's is her ability to take what is handed to her. if it is time to go to school, then she goes to school. if it is time to go to the doctor, then she goes to the doctor. she NEVER puts on a show or makes a big fuss. because of that it can be difficult to distinguish her moments of anxiety or apprehension.

when harper is nervous or upset about something she becomes much more emotional. the smallest things bring her to tears, but it takes someone knowing her really well to connect the actions to their true root. she also becomes my shadow. her normal independence gives way to a sudden clinginess yet she still finds a way to mask her dependence by making it seem like she is there for my benefit (folding laundry, setting the table, carrying groceries). i sometimes confuse independence for invulnerability and it is in these moments that i am learning that i need to teach harper that it is possible to feel both independent and vulnerable at the same time. she is growing up, but she's not done yet and at her core is just a little girl trying to pretend that she's ready to be on her own.

all of this to say that the day and night before harper's first day of school were spent with harper being uncharacteristically emotional and clingy. it didn't help that we have had a wonderful summer full of time spent together and enjoying the simplicity of the days. watching her nerves unfold made me want to cling on to her, but instead i reassured her that the next day would be full of wonderful and exciting things.

we all slept a little restless that night anticipating the beginning of the school year, but the morning went remarkably well. harper returned to her normal confident self and we were all ready. she handled the transition seamlessly and her grace and confidence in these situations only cements her increasing maturity.

i have been so proud of her this summer. she has always been my biggest helper and this summer was no different. one of the things we struggled with last school year was harper's attitude. she started to become a little too sassy but most of that caved way to her normal sweetness. to say that i am sad to share harper with her school is an understatement. i miss her so much while she is gone. but if this summer is any indication of the growth i will see this year then i cleave to the excitement i feel to see what will come.

she is such a good girl and i love her so much.

calvary goes to kindergarten....

2011-08-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

last thursday calvary started his very first day of kindergarten. and while this day carries all of the normal heaviness and apprehensions, with calvary i carry an entirely different load of apprehension and fear.

in the back of my head are images of my baby boy sitting in a daycare center with a blank stare refusing to interact or become a part of the group.
i also hear the voice of our childcare provider saying, "i have never, in over 20 years of experience, seen such unprovoked rage in a child before."
i feel the weight of his body as he would cling to me as we tried to drop him off at his classroom at church.
i see the look on his face all the times he has been misunderstood, ignored, or embarrassed.
i hear his voice explain that someone followed him too closely or spoke too loudly.
i see him struggle and become frustrated to do the physical and social activities that his occupational therapist has asked him to do...
and yet, here we are...
taking my five year old son to kindergarten.
i have wanted to stay optimistic. calvary has made drastic improvements and grown up so much. in my heart i wanted to believe that everything would be just fine, but if i was to be honest i would have to admit that i was out of my mind with anxiety.
it is difficult to carry all of the memories and visions of all of your child's struggles and then put that same child in a position that has caused so many of those memories and visions.

i don't think that i expected the worst. i just knew that the worst was a possibility.
but calvary was excited.
he carried none of those memories.
all he carried was a pirate back pack that my mom and dad had bought him for his birthday and a matching lunchbox that nick and jessica had given him.
he walked into the school and clung to my leg for just a moment.
i told him i would walk him to his cubby and then i would leave. we walked in together and i kissed him as i left him at his desk. he didn't cry. he didn't ask to go home. he didn't stare blankly.
he took out crayons and started to color.

what a beautiful moment for him and for kyle and i. we have worked so hard for this moment. we have invested so much. every day since he has come back excited for the next day. and i thank God for such a wonderfully hopeful start to this journey. i know that the days before us are unknown, but no matter what those days bring these are the new moments i carry.

labor of love...

2011-08-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

one of the new pieces made by kathy for finley...

an original piece of the quilt kathy's mom made for her with one of her tags that have the name "lorene reid"across the bottom.

finley loves her blanket...

kyle's mom diligently recreated a quilt that her mom made for her. she put in countless hours researching, cutting, pinning, stitching, and more cutting, pinning, and stitching. i know that she put so much of herself into this blanket and even more than that she created a way that her mother's legacy can be carried on to future generations. i never personally knew kyle's nanny, but i feel like the pieces that she created tell a little of her story. finley already loves her quilt but i pray that as she gets older she will appreciate it on a whole new level.
sometimes "thank you" is not enough and i believe that this is one of those times...

empty(ier) nest...

2011-08-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

a person can only be so prepared when considering becoming a parent. and by "so prepared" i really mean not at all prepared. the minute i found out that i was pregnant with my first child people started telling me how my life would change. i heard about how i would never sleep and how expensive they were...but really i believed that was limited to the first year. after all, most people concentrate on the cost of diapers and the early crying. but i have learned in hind sight, as i so often do, that those early woes are only God's way of preparing young parents for what is to come.
for example:
1. i was prepared for pain during childbirth...
but i could have never been prepared for the pain of watching my children experience the heartache of life.

2. i was prepared for the lack of sleep of infancy...
but i was not prepared for the sleep i would lose over the decisions i am making for my children.

3. i was prepared for the expense that a baby would add to my life...
but how could i have known that buying school supplies, paying for dance or sports, packing a lunch box, or filling a closet would more than make up the cost of diapers in the years to come.

today i packed two lunchboxes. i filled out two folders worth of forms. i set out two sets of clothes. i kissed two foreheads and hugged two tiny frames. i watched two hands wave as they walked away. i watched two of my babies continue their leaps into independence and i grieve the loss of the expensive diapers and the late night/early morning feedings. i know one day that i will grieve the loss of these days of innocence, but today my emotions are mixed. i am both proud and sad.
i am proud of myself for keeping it together as i walked my oldest son into his classroom today. i am proud of how he handled himself...so, so proud. i am proud of my daughter for being so brave and secure.
i am just happy for the gift of my children but i also face the realization that this gift is not mine forever. they are growing up.

she's kind of my pet...

2011-08-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

bag and all.

finley likes to be carried. ground breaking, earth shattering news i know.

i took it to a new level one day when i put her in this bag of harper's. she completely cooperated because, of course, she was being carried. i was surprised with just how much she loved it. the minute i put her in, realized she loved, snapped a few pictures because it amused me how much she loved it, and took her out, she promptly crawled right back over to the bag and tried to put herself back in.

sigh.

i think i may be an enabler.

"God is SO big Mommy"

2011-08-09T19:17:00.001-07:00

kyle was late getting home tonight and we had to eat dinner without him. that does not happen often around here and to be honest i was a bit crabby. harper and calvary helped set the table and we all gathered around and the three oldest children started taking turns saying the blessing. this little tradition has become quite comical mostly because oliver jack's prayers sound something like this: "dear God, thank you [gibberish blah blah gibberish] and thank you daddy doesn't go to work anymore and thank you [gibberish blah blah gibberish] LET's EAT!" he usually interrupts someone else's prayers and i am usually having to feed finley but in spite of all of this nonsense the children have really started to connect the world around them to the God that has created it.
after the prayer tonight jack mentioned a tower being so tall that it was "high up to God". to which calvary quickly corrected and said that God is so big that no tower could reach Him. i took this moment to teach the kids about the tower of babel, which they thought was insane.
calvary said, "those guys were pretty dumb because God is so big that all He has to do is this (flicks his fingers) and that tower would be gone".
harper added, "really, all He would have to do is this (blows air from her mouth) and it would be down".
not to be outdone, calvary added, "really all He has to do is blink His eyes and the whole world would fall apart".
at this point i am just sitting in amazement at their concept of God that i almost forget to bring this moment back to the grace of God.
i say, "God could make us fall anytime because He is so powerful, but God is much more interested in catching us instead".
i thought this may be a bit too figurative and my hunch was correct when calvary said, "like if i am walking backwards and trip he'll catch me".
and before i could even exhale harper said, "no, not literally (she really used this word and i was blown away). she means that when we mess up He wants to forgive us and not see us go to hell. He wants to catch us".
this made sense to calvary and He said, "i'm glad God has big arms".

me too.

nothing says summer like a bomb pop!

2011-08-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

(if you look at the picture closely you can see finley's crazy tooth. she popped out a tooth just left of center instead of the two middle teeth. i like to think it keeps this princess humble :) )

attack of jack jack....

2011-08-08T05:35:00.000-07:00

jacob had a pixar short called "Jack Jack Attack" on harper's ipod that we watched on our way to GA on saturday. we laughed and thought about how appropriate it was that harper so appropriately dubbed our youngest boy "jack jack" when he was still so silently resting up inutero.

i am sitting here trying to decide if it is an exaggeration to say that we have our own jack jack attacks on a daily basis and while i hesitate to claim daily events i would without question say that our average puts us at that mark.

while oliver jack still wins over most strangers with the slightest grin, i am on to his game. i find myself in awe of the magic he has over people. our neighbor unabashedly declares, even in front of all my other children, that jack is their favorite. he flashes them a grin and refuses to hug them and they laugh and giggle and embrace their love for him even more.

any time that jack gets quiet we get nervous. it is NEVER a positive happening. he is usually flushing something down the toilet, eating something (whether it is edible or not), destroying something that belongs to calvary (it is like he has a sixth sense about just who to mess with), or escaping to his own doom. he needs a caretaker committed solely to his care. unfortunately for him, he is not an only child.

just recently we have had to start worrying about jack even when he is supposed to be sleeping...

i'll set the stage:

1.we have camp out setup for our three oldest children and they are tickled beyond belief to have the gift of staying up late watching a movie and having a snack...

just one of the perks of not having living room furniture in our new house yet...also makes a fantastic room for playing baby tag or soccer...not so great for hide and seek.

2. kyle and i enjoy some time to sit and watch non G rated tv programming.

3. i head downstairs to check on the kids about halfway through their show.

4. i find jack is missing.

5. i ask harper where jack is. she has no idea that he is missing. even more evidence to oliver jack's inborn craftiness.

6. i hear jack crying and shouting, "please don't spank me!" from the direction of my bedroom. i immediately know that what i am about to find is not going to be good.

7. i walk in to my bathroom to find jack sitting on the counter covered in makeup and mouthwash. the floor is covered with piles of powder, puddles of lip gloss, and a spraying of mouthwash and toothpaste (thankfully he spit).

8. i immediately left the room to get my camera...meanwhile kyle snapped a picture with his phone. we asked him how he got on the counter because it is far beyond his reach and there are no stools in our bathroom. he showed us how he used his big toe and second toe to wrap around the knob on the drawers and pulled himself up using his arms the rest of the way. kyle and i were quite impressed.

the sad thing is that we are really quite accustomed to jack jack attacks. to the point where we are rarely surprised anymore. we are also victims of his charm and far too often his actions go unpunished...in this case his remorse was enough for kyle and i to feel that jack would not attack our toiletries again. maybe.

harper faye is 7...

2011-08-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

making our way...

kit packed more than us.

he only pretends to be disgusted...

she still looks so small....

look at those muscles as he creates a lovely smokey eye...

when i was a little girl i remember quite vividly taking a trip to cabbage patch land with my granny and pop and my cousin jessica. i remember eating at a waffle house and spilling my orange juice. i remember jessica spilling her orange juice too. i remember my granny telling me that the waffle house had "magic" tables. i remember driving in the backseat for a very, very long time. i remember how my cousin jessica would hold a tissue under her nose just before she fell asleep and trying to copy her because i thought it was cool. i remember walking around in the store and seeing the cabbage patch dolls plucked from the garden and given over to the girls that anxiously waited on their arrival. when i think back on my childhood, this is one of my favorite memories.

undoubtedly, this is why going to the american girl shop was without question an occasion i wanted to share with harper. we planned to take this trip for harper's birthday and i pray that this trip was at least half as wonderful for her as it was for me. i am sure the reasons we enjoyed the trip differed vastly, but i can only hope that this day has been burned into her memories as my doll trip was so (SO) many years ago.

without question we spared calvary the agony of shopping for doll stuff for hours. also without question we spared ourselves the agony of shopping for doll stuff for hours with jack. i can only imagine what may have happened if jack had made the cut. thankfully kyle's mom and dad obliged our request to keep not only jack but also calvary and finley for the night. i know they had more fun there then they would have had with us and, honestly, it was such a blessing to watch harper enjoy herself without having to worry about whether someone was bored, hungry, or catching the place on fire.

let me just say that these american girl people have really worked out an amazing business venture. the crowds on a random day in august looked like christmas. girls were frantic with excitement. squeals were everywhere. but harper kept her cool. she calmly looked at EVERY SINGLE ITEM for sale and then just as calmly started making her choices.

kyle and i have tried to make harper aware of money and how things cost money so that they would be more thoughtful in the moments that they casually ask us to drop dough every minute of every day. for the most part i feel like we have done a pretty good job, but the moment that harper was looking through the catalogue the weeks leading up to our trip remains to be one that breaks my heart. i, like we have done many times before, told harper to circle the items that she would like. after a time i came and looked over her shoulder and noticed that she had not circled many things. when i asked her about it she responded, "i'm looking at the price and most of this stuff is too expensive". in that moment i felt like i had robbed my daughter of the innocence of her childhood belief that anything was possible. it is kind of nice to believe that money is limitless, or at least not a factor. but i felt like hope was restored when we stood in that store amidst squeals and screams and harper looked with patience and contentment as she made her choices. she never once seemed disappointed not to get something. she never asked for more. she simply weighed her options and spent the money that she had received wisely....or as wisely as you can at a doll store. i felt overwhelmed and the irony of that moment is that when i watch my child in their contentment and gratitude i only want to give them more. and then more leads to more. and more and more leads to the expectation of more and more. and then expectation of more and more destroys contentment and most often gratitude also becomes a casualty.

not to say that harper is without bratty moments. let's not be unrealistic. but in this moment, there was no brat in sight. only a child experiencing joy.

kyle was a pretty good sport about the whole thing and he only grumbled a few times when he was asked to hold a doll from time to time.

we celebrated 7 years of life today. 7 years of laughter, hugs, kisses, tears, sibling fun, sibling fights, dresses, tea parties, baby dolls, pretend classrooms, disney princesses, shoes, books, backpacks, snacks, candy, growing teeth, losing teeth, playgrounds, swings, climbing trees, riding bikes, setting the table, making "drinks", and most recently ipod madness. i can only imagine what the next 7 years will hold but i am delighted with the girl she is now and i have every intention of enjoying every moment that i have with her.

catching up...

2011-08-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

i have yet to post a more in depth chronicle of our trip(s) to the beach this year. i have also let pass most of the other events of the summer. but i do plan on getting all of that out and recorded as soon as possible. which may be never. just let it be said that this summer has been fantastically rich and abundantly full.

and now, my firstborn turns 7 in 3 days.
my oldest son starts kindergarten in 10 days.
my baby boy is potty trained.
and the babiest baby of them all is toddling.

the world keeps on spinning and these babies keep on growing and i'm hanging on to their heels wishing i was an anchor instead of a woman :)

that baby of mine...

2011-07-27T19:36:00.000-07:00

finley has passed the 13th month and she has definitely made some notable changes. harper and i were able to witness her first steps and we celebrated with lots of shouting and clapping. most days she repeats the show but she does not ever give us more than 2 or 3 steps at a time. she has 2 words: uh-oh and harper. uh-oh is clear, but harper is a bit contrived on our parts. she is much more of a nonverbal communicator. she holds her hand out flat when she wants someone to hand her something. she pops her lips when she wants you to give her something. she grunts to hug. and of course she cries when she is unhappy.
she is somewhat concernedly attached to me. 95% of her time is spent with me. she is known as the crying baby at the church nursery. they love her in spite of that, thankfully. she still clings to two nursing sessions, one at morning and night. she would still nurse all day if i would let her.
it is funny that from the first breath she took outside of the womb finley has been my child that wants the most coddling. we have indulged that coddling because she is just so ridiculously sweet. and since we have spent so much time with her paired with the coddling we have created a baby that never wants to be away from us. honestly i have not put much effort into working on this issue because only 5% of her time is spent outside of us. but i do cringe a little when she refuses to go to other people or cries at church nursery the entire time or, now, cries when she is not in my arms at our own house. i want her to want to be held but okay to be outside of that.
but, really, i know she will be okay...
i've enjoyed this baby so much but i am honestly excited about the future. this summer has been indicative of how finley's development is directly affecting the interactions of our entire family. the more my hands are freed up the more i am able to play. i have not realized how much i have missed just simply playing with all of my kids.
finley is still tiny. she wears mostly 3-6 months or 6-9 months clothing. she wears a size 3 shoe. and she is up to 18 lbs. she is by far my pickiest eater. i guess she is just like kyle :) she always examines every single thing that comes towards her mouth and it seems as if she has a strange intuition towards anything that is a vegetable. she turns her head and refuses admittance to anything that is suspect. even at 13 months old, she prefers pureed foods. for the most part all of her vegetables come in pureed forms.
my mom and dad bought her a book when she was born called Princess Baby and every day she proves more and more that she is living up to that title...

tough love...

2011-07-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 12:6 "For the Lord disciplines those He loves..."

the honest truth is that as a parent i do not know too much about "tough love". i have had easy breezy moments that have required me to stand firm and not smile as my 2 year old tells me that he is going to unbuckle his seat belt but he promises "i'll tell you i'm sorry" when i scold him for even thinking about it. i have had difficult moments where i have forced my oldest son into a situation that makes him uncomfortable because i know that socially he needs to be pushed. i have had frustrating moments when my oldest daughter has tested limits and boundaries and i have been forced to fulfill the punishment that i threatened as a mere display of consistency.
but i have never had to deliver heart breaking moments of tough love.
i am amazed by the strength that it takes to discipline in those moments. the truth is that actions have consequences and sometimes in order to learn not to make the same choices over again it is necessary to feel the full weight of those consequences.
and i guess it is that time of year again for me. yep...it's birthday time! the joyous occasion of my daughter's birth always reminds me of how thankful i am for discipline.
i know i face more and more questions as my daughter's knowledge of life sits ominously off on the horizon, yet i can honestly say i am not scared of answering her questions. awkward. embarrassed. but not scared.
i live a life that testifies not only to discipline but to how God can use that discipline to become the greatest joy in our lives. i would like to say that i was ignorant to the fact that my choices were not great, but the truth is far from that. i knew that i was not in a healthy relationship. i knew that i deserved to be treated better. but unfortunately i disobeyed wise council. "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality" (I Thes 4:3). for so long i viewed that as being about restriction. but now i know that God's commands are to there to keep us happy and healthy. sex is meant to bind. it makes sense not to bind together that which will not remain. and for me, i could not leave a relationship that was clearly unhealthy because i had tied myself to a person for whom i was not made. when i found out i was pregnant i grieved. i am pretty sure i went through all the classic 7 stages. when i got to the stage dealing with anger i wondered "why me?". in my opinion at that moment i knew many people that were far more "guilty" than i was and i wondered why no one else seemed to be drawing the short straw. not too long after that my life began to change. i finally found the strength to close that chapter in my life. i finally walked away from that relationship, one i had wanted to walk away from many times before, because i thought of raising my child in that environment. i knew i didn't want her to know that life. i didn't want my baby to have to feel the way i had felt. i never wanted her to experience the pain i had felt. i deserved better and he deserved better. the consequence that i despised became my strength. it was in that moment that i realized that God knew that i would not be able to cut that tie for myself.
we both needed to be set free. and through that act of "tough love" our lives were forever changed. God had a better life for us and we couldn't walk in that because of our inability to follow his rules.
i remember reading in Zephaniah when i was pregnant with harper and a verse that i read that night became so real to me that night that it has stuck with me for these 7 years as a moment frozen in time and reminder to me of the God i serve. "The Lord within her is righteous; He does no wrong. Morning by morning, He dispenses his justice, and every day he does not fail, yet the unrighteous know no shame." i still marvel at how God has used this life of mine, a life that i tried my hardest to mess up, and turned it around to be a life that brings Him glory. only God could do that. i have done plenty wrong, but somehow, even through consequence and discipline (or especially) God turns those moments into beacons in the darkness.
i still live with the consequence of my sin. everyday i see the ripple effect of choices i made in college. i see how my choices have affected my husband. how my choices have affected my family. my husband's family. my sons. my daughter. jacob. jacob's family. merriwether. my friends and their kids. and my sweet, precious harper. her life is a ripple effect of consequence that reflects the beauty of the tough love of God. i feel so humbled just to write that list of people who have been affected by my bad choices. i also feel so blessed. i deserved nothing, yet i was shown grace. and that grace looked oddly enough like tough love...

deep questions...

2011-07-13T15:51:00.001-07:00

harper: "mommy can i wear goggles when i get baptized?"

thanks calvary...

2011-07-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

(an out-of-nowhere conversation with calvary)

calvary: "mommy you look disgusting on the inside"
me: "huh?"
calvary: "on the inside...you look gross. i saw your bones when i lived in your belly."
me: "okay."

2011-07-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

every day is not a good day.
sometimes things don't go my way.
sometimes insurance tries to be tricky.
sometimes bills come at unexpected and inconvenient times.
sometimes people hurt my feelings.
sometimes i expect too much.
but even in the middle of those bad days
i count myself blessed because i have a family...
i have a home
i have friends
i have a heart
i serve a loving and just God

thank you Jesus for your unfailing love. i pray for focus in the middle of storms. i pray to stay grounded in truth. i pray for the return of good days tomorrow :)

oliver jack vs. the potty part 2...

2011-06-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

i honestly have not invested too much into the thought of jack going potty because i have not been ready to put the work into that task. i felt like he was going to be a tough case to crack because he is too 1) busy 2) stubborn 3) just plain aggravating. however, the week before we left for the beach he developed a terrible case of diaper rash. i figured that all of the fruit that we have been eating this summer was rough on his little belly and his bum payed the price. he just screamed and cried every time i needed to clean him up and at this point i started to reason with him. i told him that if he would wear underwear and go to the potty his bottom would not hurt anymore.

yep. i blamed the diapers.

i told my baby boy (who evidently is not really a baby anymore) that the diapers were mean and dirty and that they were hurting his bum.

that was the last time that he wore a diaper (except for sleeping at night).

now, that does not mean that we were without...umm...setbacks. in fact, i joked with kyle that for the first week i feared that we had only accomplished "house breaking" instead of "potty training".

oliver jack refused to go in a potty. instead he insisted on running outside and pulling down his pants and doing his business wherever he stopped. this usually was in plain view of the neighbors. but at least we were not wearing diapers. in fact, the first time he actually used a potty was at our first stop on the way to the beach.

he never had an accident at the pool, beach, or any time that we were out. that poor house took a beating. but outside the house remained unscathed by toddler fodder.

i do believe that it is safe to say that oliver jack now has ventured from diapers, to house broken, to officially potty trained in a matter of 2 weeks.

i feel i owe him an apology for expecting it to be a bit more difficult. but i will wait to give him that when he's changing my diapers one day.

my prayer tonight...

2011-06-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

psalm 127:3 "children are a gift from God; they are a reward from Him"

Lord, i am humbled by your grace. i am humbled by the ways you have provided for our family. i feel ashamed of the ways that i have grieved you. i acknowledge how i deserve nothing that i have and honestly sometimes i fear that which i deserve. what a huge responsibility it is to be a parent. i feel inadequate but i know that your hand is on them. i know this because i have asked you to cover them and now i am asking it again. Lord, i give my children to you. i ask that you protect them in all the ways that i cannot. i pray that their hearts will be sealed and consecrated to you. i pray that they find freedom and joy in serving you. i ask that my heart will be evident to them. i pray that i can teach them to be responsible. i pray that i can show them how to love. i pray that i am the mother that you have called me to be.

tonight i am thankful for kyle, harper, calvary, oliver jack, and finley. i am thankful for family and good friends. i am thankful for kyle's job and how dedicated he is to being a provider for our family. i am thankful for our home and community. i am thankful to be part of a precious church family that inspires me. i am thankful for the joy that comes through the acceptance of God's forgiveness. i am thankful for summer storms. i am thankful for life.

my heart is so full of gratitude for the blessings in my life. i know that i have done nothing to deserve the joy in my life and that makes me even more in awe of your love. only you. thank you for each day. i pray that i make each one full.

the babiest baby is 1!!!

2011-06-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

it was bound to happen someday and that day has finally arrived. the day that i no longer have an infant has come and gone. and even though the newest toddler in our home is far from actually toddling the truth is that we do indeed have a toddler on our hands. finley rose is now one.

we celebrated her birthday at the beach and to be honest i was a bit sad that i could not share this day with my family as i have shared it with my family with all of my other children. my in laws reserved the dates without realizing that the week they had chosen encompassed her birthday. i was still a little sad that my parents were not able to be there with us and i know that they were disappointed as well but really my sadness has more to do with the fact that my babies are growing up.

and although so many like to contest it, finley is the final chapter on my baby raising days. at least as far as we have planned. i put that little disclaimer in so in case something unexpected happens one day. :) i have mixed feelings about the finality of it all. part of me is excited to move forward; i am tired of waiting for naps and changing diapers. the other part of me longs to feel their weight in my arms forever. but regardless of how i feel about it i have to face the truth that infancy is over.

i feel like we celebrated the end with a great baby. she has been my most content child and i will forever be grateful to God that He has heard my prayers and given me a child with a gentle spirit. she is wonderful.

even though she doesn't walk.

or talk.

even though she has crazy hair.

and even crazier teeth.

even though she is absolutely rotten.

she is precious.

i am thankful that she is my fourth because if she was my first i would have been worried. i would have worried that she wasn't growing. i would have worried that she wasn't walking or talking. i would have been watching for every milestone. i would have been waiting for every phase to end. but i have just watched her. i have relished all the snuggles. i have delighted in her. even today as the doctor examined her and gave me some advice on how to encourage her to get moving i simply smiled and said "okay" knowing that just as finley is content with just being i am content with her.

she is changing more everyday and i know that the days of her not walking are coming quickly to an end. i choose to embrace these moments.

harper at 1

28 1/4 inches

19lbs 7 0z

calvary at 1

29 1/2 inches

20lbs 6.5 oz

oliver jack at 1

29 1/2 inches

23 lbs

finley at 1

27 inches
17 lbs

home.

2011-06-26T19:35:00.001-07:00

we spent last week at the beach and i have almost 400 pictures, over 30 clips of video, and a baby that is one year older to show for it.

i still have so much to process and i need to figure out how i am going to organize all of my pictures but i have to start with the "beach pictures".

i love that the fact that the kids have on normal clothes and yet it still does not stop them from playing and digging in the sand. and although it was a little windy that night the setting was absolutley perfect. i only wish that i didn't misplace my camera's charger for my nikon. i had to use my standard point and shoot for these pictures...

beachisms

2011-06-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

grandaddy: you can do it! you swim like a fish!

calvary: i swim like a dead fish!

beachisms

2011-06-19T15:56:00.001-07:00

harper: that wave was so big it made me tinkle!

the babiest baby...

2011-06-16T07:44:00.001-07:00

turns one on tuesday.

cue the tears.

cue the smiles.

cue all the mixed emotions that come with babies growing up.

blah.

my summer mantra...

2011-06-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

i always have big plans for summer. in fact, i live for summer. even after i finished school as a student i took on a job at a school as a teacher. so summers have always been free. and now as a parent of a grade schooler i live even more for summer.
the school year is hard work.
i have to pack a lunch.
make sure my child has clean clothes.
make sure that child is clean herself.
feed that child breakfast.
make sure that child has finished her homework (good grief 45min of homework is excessive for first graders?!).
make sure that child gets to bed at a decent hour.
basically be the buzz kill for any child anywhere. my job during the school year is to be the warden. once i smell summer, my heart begins to tingle with excitement. oh so soon i can liberate myself from the confines of parental responsibility! oh so soon i can taste the joy of childhood with my children!
my expectations are set unreasonably high. i expect summer to be the healing salve to all of the stressful moments of the school year. after all, i worked hard for this. she worked hard for this. we deserve relaxation.
so, my mantra for this summer is "gentle parenting -- live big and love your children"
sometimes having four children is stressful.
sometimes i try to control the chaos with reigns that are too tight.
i'm not sure exactly how to implement my mantra but i pray that my heart is made evident to my children. i wish i could just unzip my chest and show them how much my heart beats for them. but that would be gross. and probably scarring. especially for calvary but not as much for harper. harper would be intrigued. the point is, sometimes i feel overwhelmed with how much "parenting" gets in the way of how i want to love. and having four kids means that there is ALWAYS someone that needs some parenting; whether that means changing a diaper, putting on clothes, trying to preserve nap time peace, disciplining a bad attitude, breaking up a sibling quarrel.
i just want to breathe this summer. i want to sit back and watch my children be children. i want to spend more time with them and less time managing. i want to care less if a nap is interrupted. i want to give more snacks and jump on the bed. and maybe give snacks while we jump on the bed. i want to ignore the bubbles that spill over to the floor during bath time. i want to read more books and color more pictures. i want to bake and sew. i want to race in the pool. i want to find a new way to maintain order in my house.
i love my kids and i enjoy my kids. and how blessed am i to be able to spend my summer days at home with them?!
"live big and love your children"
"live big and love your children"
"live big and love your children"

the face of fury...

2011-06-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

harper captured this picture of calvary today when she refused to hand over the camera when he was ready for his turn to take pictures. apparently he has taken more ownership of the picture taking kid then we would like.

the last day of first grade...

2011-06-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

friday was the last day harper would ever be in first grade. i find it fitting that her pictures represent how much change this year brought to her. the first picture is at a different front walk, wearing a school uniform, carrying a different back pack, and lunchbox. this school year has represented monumental changes for all of us, but harper may have experienced the brunt of each change. most changes were positive; we are no longer spending 2 hours a day in the car just for school drop off and pick up. some changes were a little harder to swallow; poison ivy and ticks are much more common hazards of our new life. and yet harper has taken it all in stride. i am in awe of that girl's strength. she truly is a force.

in all honesty i find her to be my most difficult child. i always feel guilty that i created a circumstance for her that was not ideal. i feel guilty that her life is different than her brothers and sisters. but i also marvel at how God has restored so much and has allowed harper to have a life as free from division as much as possible. a feat only He could accomplish. i worry about correcting her because i know that she rebels against correction. i worry about not correcting her because i know how she pushes boundaries. i worry about her liking me. i worry about her not needing me. i feel sad when she seems indifferent to the very best i can give her. i feel sad when i hurt her feelings for being angry with her. i feel angry when she has a bad attitude about not getting her way. i feel angry when i catch her being sneaky. all of these emotions are normal and intricate on their own but then they are much more complex when i throw in everything else.

i just want her to know that i love her more than my life. i love her in the moments that she is intoxicatingly sweet. i love her in the moments that she is infuriatingly stubborn. i love her for who she is. where she is. all of the time. no matter what.

my greatest prayer for her life is that she will consecrate herself to God and follow Him and His will for her life.

my greatest fear is that she will try to make her own way.

she is my most difficult child because she is my most independent. she was born standing up, ready to claim her place. she needs me less and for that reason i am afraid that i cannot protect her from making mistakes. that scares me. i know the pain that comes with making wrong choices. i understand the profound way that those choices can change your life.

because of my choices her life is more complicated. i will always feel guilty for that.

my peace is knowing that her life is full of people that love her and out of that love embrace every part of her. God has also shown me how He has given harper the strength of many. this first grade year has been evidence of that.

if the study that i read that claims that a person's personality is set for life by first grade is correct than i can rest assured that harper will do just fine in life.

she is a beautiful gift that i wish i could hold on to longer.

a whirlwind season...

2011-06-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

t-ball was definitely a whirlwind this season. we had 6 games total. all of which were in may. the bonus to that was that we escaped much of the heat that has been excruciating this past week. the downside is that calvary really, really loves t-ball. last year was much (MUCH) more difficult. he didn't really want to participate and only really wanted to hit--both people and the ball. this year he was definitely more involved in the whole process. he was excited about practice and loved to get ready for his games. his favorite part was running the bases and he made it a point to slide into home every single time. this year he was also much more consistent with hitting a ball when pitched to him. i'm not ready to be a baseball mom...the game is not really my thing...but if he loves it i will gladly endure and, most likely, grow to love this game.

i turned 29 this weekend...

2011-05-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

this weekend marked my 29th birthday. i still find it hard to believe that i am not 30 yet. i mean, sheesh, how much life could i possibly have ahead of me? so much has happened in my 29 years of life that i am slightly overwhelmed to think about all that might occur if i keep up this pace for the next 29. all jokes aside, i feel i have lived an abundantly rich life and i count myself beyond blessed for the experiences of the days, months, and years each of those moments have brought.

this birthday was particularly nice for me this year. i felt special. kyle made a fuss over me. the kids sang happy birthday to me and humored me when i would say, "all i want for my birthday is for everyone to behave". my parents came *all the way* to our house (no joke--we live a whole state away now!) and watched the kids while kyle and i hung out with our friends. we went to a dinner more fancy than mcdonald's. and we went to see a movie. we have not been to the theatre to see a movie since toy story 3. and before that, it was ramona and beezus. the point i am trying to make is obvious, i think. it was great. and even if kyle had not showered me with presents from my favorite store or taken me to a great restaurant he made the point to make the day about me. and i reluctantly allowed myself to admit that i liked it :)

the next day, as if watching my kids for the evening was not enough, my parents invited us down to have dinner. my sweet little momma went all out for me...we had all of my favorite things---from watermelon to diet dr. pepper--it was all there. my dad cooked burgers on the grill, which are one of my favorite things ever to eat. nicholas and jessica were there. and of course there were many, many squeals from the many, many children. again, i felt so special.

the festivities continued on monday when kyle's mom cooked a birthday dinner for me. alli and david and the girls came. aunt robin and uncle wayne were there. kyle's sweet granny was there. and courtney and her super cute baby belly was even there too. i feel honored to be come in to a family that embraces me so sweetly. i am sure it is always difficult to merge two totally different families together, but kyle's family has been beyond good to me. i pray that i can bless them as much as they have blessed me.

converstations with calvary...

2011-05-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

harper: CALVARY....
calvary:....
harper: CALVARY!
calvary:...
me: calvary, your sister is calling you...
calvary: oh sorry! i couldn't hear her because my ears were too fascinating...

my little ballerina...

2011-05-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

harper on her first day of ballet when she was 3 years old. and harper on her last day of ballet class for the year this year. so much has changed in her short little life, but her love for dance has not. neither has her size. she's wearing the same leotard in both pictures. guess we got our money's worth :)

when you have this many siblings...

2011-05-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

you learn to sleep protected...

finley is 11 months old!

2011-05-29T11:14:00.001-07:00

this month has been such a sweet little time in finley's life. i continue to wrap my arms around her increasing Independence just hoping to stifle it for just a bit longer. i am not ready for her to be bigger or older or wiser. i just love this time. i love watching her. i love holding her. i love that she is my baby. i guess she will always be my baby. but for right now she also loves being my baby.

she is starting to pull up

she is definitely mobile, but she is not into everything....yet

she is down to nursing only twice a day

she loves to play

she loves to watch her brothers and sister play

she loves, loves, loves kids

she is still tiny

her hair is such an odd shade of reddish blonde. who knows where that came from or if it will stay. but genetics continue to astound me.

she weighs in at 18 lbs

she wears 6-9 months--oliver jack was much more meaty at every age than all of the rest. finley seems to follow suit to her sister pound for pound.

i blow dry her hair after every bath to keep tangles to a minimum. i started blow drying her hair in the winter because i didn't like the thought of her going to bed with wet hair in our decidedly freezing old house. it is a routine that we still do because it minimizes the tangles that occur when she sleeps and rolls around on a wet head of full hair. i recognize the absurdity of it though.

she's sweet.

she still doesn't have too many tricks. but she is loved and adored and i love my life with her.

in just a few short weeks she will reach that milestone of 1 year!

conversations with calvary...

2011-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

calvary: God never poops.
me: ...
calvary: but Jesus did!
me: ...
calvary: but He doesn't anymore.

oh mtv...

2011-05-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

i think it is silly how much flack mtv catches about the show "16 and pregnant". apparently the show makes having a baby so young look glamorous and sends the wrong message. when i watch the show my heart breaks for these girls. i'm not even sure why i watch the show. i feel a lot of things but none of those feelings are ones associated with glamore.
although i was not 16, i feel like i commiserate with these girls. one of the strongest emotions i feel when i watch is sadness. i am not sad for the girls or their families; i am sad for the baby. it breaks my heart to watch and know that the baby's mother is so distracted by her own situation to realize what a gift she has been given. the time passes so quickly and that will be the only infancy that baby will ever have. i, undoubtedly, transfer my own guilt to the girls on the show.
without question harper has been loved from the very first day i knew of her. but i know i could have loved her more. there are so many things i would change if i could.
the truth is that having an miss-timed pregnancy is hard. i gave up so much for her. unfortunately it is the kind of giving up a person is painfully aware of because a baby is the very *last* thing that they were thinking of in the first place. all of the ways that my life was going to change were all i could think of. there was no way i would go to graduate school. there was no way i was going to get a full time job. employers are not too keen on hiring people that look like they might need maternity leave before their first check clears. i would never live the typical newly wed life. this was it. i had to think about diapers and health insurance. car seats and onesies. teething and socialization. life was going to tail spin out of control and i was going to have to find a way to pilot it back to safety.
the guilt that comes after finding safety is realizing how much i didn't really care about any of those things that i thought i was giving up. they seemed so important. i made myself a martyr. i loved her with everything. i thought i was doing everything.
all that mattered was not that i loved her but that she loved me.
that is the beautiful thing about a baby that people so often miss. my baby loved me. i didn't deserve her. i didn't have anything to offer her. giving up everything was nothing. everything i gave meant nothing.
i know that now and i wish i could go back and drink up that love.
watch those arms and legs move across the inside of my belly.
hold her in my arms and stare at the wrinkled brow.
kiss her cheeks.
breathe in the sweet scent of her infancy.
she's only 6 but she's growing so fast.

i hear all the time how crazy i am for having kids so young. i am sure every mother that has had a child young hears the same thing. i guess the only sense i can make of that statement is that if i would have waited to have kids i would have had more years without having to think, worry, and dream away every minute of every moment of the rest of my life.
but i do dream beautiful dreams for my sweet babies.

converstations with calvary...

2011-05-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

calvary: wow mom! look at that cute little tractor!
me: that is a tiny one...
calvary: whoah...there is a girl driving it!
me: is that weird?
calvary: i guess not because some girls have jobs, right momma?
me: yep
calvary: and some girls even work too!

awesome.

love...

2011-05-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

things i love:

...holding finley right before i lay her down in her crib because she always lays her head down and stretches her arms around my shoulders.

...watching calvary take his arms and guide jack by the shoulders

...the sounds of boys squealing while riding their bikes through the sprinkler

...watching harper wave and blow kisses as she walks into school

...hearing calvary say, "i love harper. she really is the cutest girl ever."

...hearing jack say "uubi" instead of "movie"

...removing books from harper's sleeping hands like removing pieces of the game jenga.

...tucking jack into bed and watching him slide his chubby little fingers over his blanket as he melts into sleep.

...seeing harper waiting after school with a huge smile on her face as we drive up.

more pictures by calvary...

2011-05-20T06:23:00.000-07:00

every moment counts

2011-05-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

"a group of us were discussing how to pursue spiritual life when one person, a mother with two young children, commented that it was easier for her to work on her spiritual life before she became a mom.
she had never been taught to consider the possibility that caring for two young children--carried out daily with expressions of gratitude, with prayers for help, and with patient acceptance of trials--might be a kind of 'school of transformation' the likes of which she had never known before. to her, having a quiet time counted toward spiritual devotion, but caring for two children did not.
it all counts. life counts. every moment of life--at least potentially--is an opportunity to be guided by God into his way of living."
~ john ortberg

i was particularly encouraged yesterday morning by this passage. how is God training me today? how is *this* moment shaping me?

the past couple of days i have been overwhelming struck by the truth that God shapes life to prepare us and lead us to Him. He did not simply create and walk away. every phase of our life is intended to train us to become more like Jesus. i don't think i consciously ever thought it but i must have believed that God was this enigmatic being that tried to evade us, His children. the truth is so beautiful. knowing that God has not set us up for failure makes Him even more precious and makes me want to cultivate intimacy with Him.

guess who likes the tractor the most...

2011-05-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

first ice cream cone...

2011-05-10T05:38:00.001-07:00

afterwards he said, "i am going to eat ice cream in a cone EVERY TIME!"

born for this...

2011-05-10T05:32:00.000-07:00

riding in the car...

2011-05-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

me: calvary, is finley asleep?! (we had just dropped harper off at school and were on our way home and she was suspiciously quiet and her hand was uncharacteristically still)

calvary: one second let me look....

nope. she's just being quiet...like a baby should be.

to my momma...

2011-05-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

dear mom,

you are so much like your dad. my grandfather. you are not quick to share your emotions and it is only when they can no longer be contained that we realize how deeply you felt. dad was always the talker. i know i got that from him. i am quick to share my emotions with anyone. but what i got from you is the intense love of a mother. and it has only been after these years of mothering that i realize all the years of heartache, stress, joy, and love that a mother endures. i also realized that i do believe i owe you an apology...

1. i am sorry for all those times that didn't realize how much thought you put into things that i took for granted because now i know how much that can hurt a mother's feelings.

2. i am sorry for the times i didn't appreciate the simplicity of the day because now i know how much joy just simply being with your children brings to the life of a mother.

3. i am sorry for the times i argued with my brothers because now i know the joy it brings to watch your children enjoy each other.

4. i am sorry for the times that i didn't tell you all that was on my mind because now i know how much a mother just wants to know the hearts of their children.

5. i am sorry for the times that i disappointed you because i know that a mother dreams of lives filled with happiness and void of pain for their children.

6. i am sorry for the times that i could have even for one moment thought that you would care about those moments of disappointment because now i know that all a mother truly cares about is the well-being of their children.

7. i am sorry for the times that i didn't call to tell you that i was okay or that i missed you or that i love you or that i need you because now i know that mother's live for those moments.

8. i am sorry for the times that i disrespected you because i know that those moments are difficult to forget and they hurt more than they anger.

9. i am sorry for the times that i chose my friends over you--whether it was in advice or company--because now i know that a mother is never ready to watch her children leave.

10. and i am sorry for being so independent because even though the world regards this as a good trait i now know that a mother feels most complete when they are helping their children.

29 years worth of apologies aren't really what you want though because the love of mother does not care about the moments of hurt they experienced at the casual negligence of their children; a true mother, like you, only cares about that child. where they are at that moment. and i want you to know that i am happy. my life is full. my heart is overflowing.

thank you.

and just so you know...i am okay. i miss you. i love you. and i need you.

i hope that makes you feel better. :)

poetic justice...

2011-04-30T05:33:00.000-07:00

finley had a tooth as of the day after the day i wrote the post about how she didn't have any teeth.

she might actually have two. i felt the tiny ridges barely pushing through the gum line on thursday.

the chapter of toothless babies is now officially closed...

you can't break that smolder...

2011-04-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

( a self portrait and kyle's personal favorite picture from calvary's collection )

and a little jack....

2011-04-28T10:24:00.001-07:00

the drink. not the kid.

i might start self medicating. just a warning.
i might rest in that too... :)

being an advocate...

2011-04-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

traversing this time in my life with calvary and this invisible issue that we deal with has been a difficult time. on one hand i feel justified. i knew something was amiss with my little boy for years. literally. i can track my misgivings through this blog and know that there is no exaggeration in any of these statements. i feel justified to know that we are dealing with something very real. calvary doesn't just have normal tantrums. he isn't just a boy. he doesn't need a good whippin'. his brain is wired differently. i can sigh a sigh of relief and know that we have an entire community of encouraging, helpful people that are willing to listen and sympathize or talk and advise. i don't feel alone anymore. on the other hand i feel helpless. this is something i cannot fix. not only do i have little understanding about the true depths of this spectrum, and even though so much progress has been made in the past decade, neither does most healthcare professionals. i face a world of closed eyes. when people look at my son they see a perfectly healthy child. he has a beautiful smile and eyes that sparkle like the bluest water. his excitement is contagious and his laughter is infectious. he can run and jump and climb with best of any boy. he can write his name and draw shapes and do math in his head way ahead of most kids his age. he can button his shirts. he can brush his teeth. from the outside he looks perfect. inside, his emotions are raw. everything inside of his head is so chaotic that everything outside of his head must be calm and controlled. the slightest change causes panic. the heartbreaking part of it all is that he is now getting to the point in his social development that he realizes that he doesn't want to be like this. he wants to be okay. he wants to go to school. he wants to think it is fun to meet new people. and this is where my heart is torn...
i face a world where people who know very little about my son try to make life altering decisions for him. they are experts in the fields of medicine and psychology but they are not experts in my son. i am the expert in my son but i am not an expert in the field of medicine or psychology. i know that God has created my son. i know that he knitted him together inside of my womb. he shaped his heart with his hands. he breathed life into his lungs. he poured Himself into His creation. calvary is His cherished personal treasure...and being his advocate is my job. his doctor made a comment yesterday that unnerved me a little (a lot)...she said, "he's a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. we just need to round him out a little." i don't want to round him out. God made him square. i just want him to understand that he's different and be okay with that. he's my boy. and apparently God knew that i could handle this. he looked at me and knew that i would be the perfect mom for calvary. he looked at kyle and knew that he would be the perfect father for him. i can rest in that...

finley is 10 months old!!!

2011-04-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

this month has been a month of milestones. up until now finley did not do much. she was a wonderful little accessory that i carried around from room to room and place to place. but it seems like in a matter of days finley's development exploded. she has started crawling, clapping, playing peek-a-boo, waving, and eating more solid like foods. we still had her crib at the highest setting because up until one night last week she never pulled up. needless to say her crib was lowered the next day and she spent that night in the pack and play. she is still not very fast and prefers without question being held, but she is now mobile. she loves to play but she is also content just to hang out. i take solace in the fact that she is not a ball of fire like her brother jack. i can honestly say that i do not think that i could enjoy the infancy of this baby anymore. there has not been one day that has passed that i wished her to be older. i have not wondered what she will be like. i have simply held on to these days with a fury. when people jokingly tell me that i need to put her down if i want her to crawl i just laugh because i am okay with her not crawling or walking or growing up in general. i know she will eventually. as she has proven just this month. i won't hold her back from what she needs to do, but as long as she wants me to hold her i will let her be held. the fact that she still does not have teeth proves to me that she just wants to be my baby just a little longer :)

although she is filling out a little she is still holding strong at 16lbs. she wears mostly 3-6 month clothes and some 6-9. people wonder who she looks like but i don't; she looks like her daddy. she has a beautiful spirit and i love her with all of my heart.

she is the last of my babies and with every milestone she achieves a chapter in my life closes. i am grateful that God, in all his omnipotence, gave me a baby that would be content to let me treasure these moments as long as possible...

finley loves weapons...

2011-04-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

i guess this is appropriate since her name means "fair warrior"...

calvary is 5!!!

2011-04-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

calvary, not being one to like surprises, had already found and located all of his gifts from us before the big day.

opening presents at his "party" with grandparents and aunts and uncles...

his beloved buzz lightyear sprinkler he received from guncle jimmy and aunt sheila...

the four wheeler...

hugging his sister after opening the gift she got for him...she lovingly collected toys and prizes from around the house and wrapped them up to give to him and he accepted her gift with such sweetness. he didn't get a huge amount of gifts for his birthday and gratitude is something we have worked on so much at home that it did my heart good to see this exchange...

pirate cupcakes...

playing at the park after the scavenger hunt and after the meltdown...

he found the treasure!

argh...

adam's treasure and fantastic pirate stance...

figuring out clues...

i love this picture...they both look so excited and happy...

my four babies the morning calvary turned 5....nothing says happy birthday like bed head...

happy birthday to my sweet, complicated little boy. i love you with all of my heart.

finley's new trick...

2011-04-26T06:27:00.001-07:00

she moves!

2011-04-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

so...

2011-04-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

so easter has come and gone and i have not even put up pictures of calvary's birthday. i am always behind. this weekend was great. we travelled to georgia for merriwether's 5th birthday and it was one of the best trips we have had in a while. last spring break left me scarred emotionally and i think i harbored a secret fear that all subsequent trips would yield the same results. thankfully i was wrong. i loved the time i spent with my family. the bulk of the money we spent was in gas...granted that was quite a bulk...but other than that we didn't do anything in particular. we drove, we stopped, we hung out at the "apartment", went to the park for merriwether's party, had easter dinner at jacob's house, hung out at the "apartment", and drove some more. pretty low key.
i cherish this family of mine. i feel unbelievably ungrateful to call them my own. what a gift it is to be part of a family that truly enjoys being together....

more on this trip when i get caught up...maybe.

conversations in the car:
harper, calvary, and oliver jack were watching the little engine that could and the boy told a story about how his mother had repaired one of his stuffed animals to which the monkey replied, "all hail mommy!"
calvary tried to repeat the expression and it sounded like a mumbled mess...
harper, quick to correct mistakes others make, says, "no calvary, he said, 'awww hell mommy!'"

decidedly different yet perfect all the same.

sprinklers are fun...

2011-04-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

yesterday at calvary's birthday celebration my aunt gave him a buzz lightyear sprinkler. of course the dust had hardly settled before he insisted on trying it out. both calvary and oliver jack quickly changed into their bathing suits and appeared to be having so much fun that they even convinced harper and jade to join in. they had been playing for about 30 minutes. the weather was nice, about 75, but not nice enough for water fun. oliver jack came up to me shivering and said, "mommy i need a coat." i laughed and told him that i would get him a towel if he was cold and wanted to be done. to which he replied with his best 2 year old whine, "noooooo...i don't want to be done! a towel won't stay on me. i need a coat." the thought processing was there. the creativity was there. too bad it just doesn't work that way...